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Jun. 30th, 2003 12:16 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
blackkestrel.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transWell.. I figured I should make an attempt to post here.. So, I guess i'll share my own inner turmoil, and gather some opinions and words of wisdom..
Myself
Yes.. I am female. I was born female, and plan on staying female... But i've been increadibly boyish since the day I was born.. I have wide shoulders, bigger, stronger build then most women, and a high testosterone level... I have ALWAYS felt very much.. well. boy... Although I also do have a very hour glass, curvy womanly figure. I was raised by my butch dyke grandmother and my bi mother, surrounded by every sexuality under the sun. So if anything, straight people seem a bit wierd to me.. And being raised such, i've sort of I guess been imprinted with this total view of androgyny within myself... Feminity is pretty much unknown to me at this point, but its still there, sort of balanced with my boyishness. I've never felt all female, or all male. And over the past 5 years or so, the male side of me has REALLY been pushing.. And i'm sure some of you can understand how distressing it is.. My relationships have all been shit, mainly because I either A: don't know what i'm looking for, or B: KNOW what i'm looking for, but can't get it. Which leads me to my next issue... I'm insanely attracted to equally androgynous men. And more often then not, its gay men. Something about gay men just.. insanely appeals to me. And its WAY beyond that "oh i'm a girl and gay men are cute" issue. Same goes for very feminine, tall slender mtf trans. 99% of my friends are gay males, where I sort of fit in as "one of the boys". Most of them joke about me being a twink queer stuck inside a bull dykes body. And that can't be more true. Thats the best way to describe me. I act either/or... and a mix of the two.. So right now.. My life is just.. shitty.. all around shitty.. And I don't know what to do about it. I just feel pathetic and confused. But at least I know what the problem is. I just can't really do anything about it. I'm just.. not a girl. But i'm not a boy either.. I have the parts I was given, but they just don't fit.. And they don't fit into my life.. I've been feeling utterly and totally hopeless lately. Especially after the failure of my last relationship, where I thought I had finally found what i'd been looking for, only to have him rip my heart out and spit on it.. So, i guess i'm just looking for some scraps of wisdom, from people who have been or are in my situation.. And how you deal with it.. I know my feelings are far from uncommon, and will probably get some snide remarks about it not being as "serious" as some of yalls situations.. but say what you must. Anything will be appreciated...
Myself
Yes.. I am female. I was born female, and plan on staying female... But i've been increadibly boyish since the day I was born.. I have wide shoulders, bigger, stronger build then most women, and a high testosterone level... I have ALWAYS felt very much.. well. boy... Although I also do have a very hour glass, curvy womanly figure. I was raised by my butch dyke grandmother and my bi mother, surrounded by every sexuality under the sun. So if anything, straight people seem a bit wierd to me.. And being raised such, i've sort of I guess been imprinted with this total view of androgyny within myself... Feminity is pretty much unknown to me at this point, but its still there, sort of balanced with my boyishness. I've never felt all female, or all male. And over the past 5 years or so, the male side of me has REALLY been pushing.. And i'm sure some of you can understand how distressing it is.. My relationships have all been shit, mainly because I either A: don't know what i'm looking for, or B: KNOW what i'm looking for, but can't get it. Which leads me to my next issue... I'm insanely attracted to equally androgynous men. And more often then not, its gay men. Something about gay men just.. insanely appeals to me. And its WAY beyond that "oh i'm a girl and gay men are cute" issue. Same goes for very feminine, tall slender mtf trans. 99% of my friends are gay males, where I sort of fit in as "one of the boys". Most of them joke about me being a twink queer stuck inside a bull dykes body. And that can't be more true. Thats the best way to describe me. I act either/or... and a mix of the two.. So right now.. My life is just.. shitty.. all around shitty.. And I don't know what to do about it. I just feel pathetic and confused. But at least I know what the problem is. I just can't really do anything about it. I'm just.. not a girl. But i'm not a boy either.. I have the parts I was given, but they just don't fit.. And they don't fit into my life.. I've been feeling utterly and totally hopeless lately. Especially after the failure of my last relationship, where I thought I had finally found what i'd been looking for, only to have him rip my heart out and spit on it.. So, i guess i'm just looking for some scraps of wisdom, from people who have been or are in my situation.. And how you deal with it.. I know my feelings are far from uncommon, and will probably get some snide remarks about it not being as "serious" as some of yalls situations.. but say what you must. Anything will be appreciated...
