(no subject)

[broccollli.livejournal.com]

Ok…. So here is where I start….. A little history….

I was dating my boifriend (I’ll call him K) for about 4 months, due to circumstances he was living w/ me for about 3 of those months…. So we became very close very quickly. I was unsure of the relationship from the start, for one… I am the kind of person that runs very far away at any sign of “love”… I have massive commitment issues… And two…. He wants to be a boy…. I was having way to many issues come up w/ that. So in my selfishness, and outright stupidity I broke it off w/ him…. Breaking his heart so immensely that I’m lucky he ever even spoke to me again, let alone give me another chance.

I recently woke up (it took 3 agonizing weeks) and took responsibility for my emotions…… I am madly in love w/ him. We have been dating again for about a month… We both know we love each other and want to get back together, but want to take some time to get over the things that have happened. I finally realized that gender has nothing to do w/ love, and I can’t believe I could ever deny myself or him of what we could and will have just because I couldn’t accept him for who he is.

I admit, I still have some issues….but I am in the works of overcoming them… and that’s partially why I’m here.

When we were together the first time, he opened up allot of doors that had been locked for a very long time. When it was just the two of us, he wanted to be my girl….. Loved it when I would call him princess. He wanted me and other people to start calling him by a more feminine version of his name, and even started to discuss not wanting to be a boi anymore. (He had only discussed all his w/ one other person, and only vaguely). When I broke it off, he was going to get up in front of a local open mike night and tell everyone that he wanted to be my girl. I don’t know if this was just desperation to keep me from leaving, or if it was really what he wanted.

I have found that K gets easily influenced by the people around him….. His high school best friend is trans as well, and when they stopped hanging out as much as they normally did, K then decided he wanted to be more “feminine” (My previous paragraph). In the 3 weeks that we had been broken up, he became very close w/ another trans boi, who is now becoming, if not already, his best friend.

K is once again gung ho about going to the doctor. He is only 19 (I’m 25) and wants to start T asap because supposedly it works better the younger you are. He does want to go through with T and top surgery ASAP, and bottom surgery further down the road (but he’s not entirely sure yet).

I know from personal experience (I know I’m not alone on this) that I thought I knew what I wanted at the age of 19, and no one could tell me otherwise. But now at the age of 25, w/ a mere 6 extra years, I have had so many realizations, and changes in my life. The things I  knew at 19, are but a faint memory of how young and naïve I was.

So here it is…… I love K more than anything. All I want is his happiness. But what he is about to do is permanent, and not to be taken lightly…. I don’t want him to do something he may regret down the road.

If this is truly what he wants, then I will be beside him for every moment and love and support him in every possible way.

But…. What if this is the biggest mistake of his life……..

I just want him to wait….give it a couple of years…… But what if these are just my own fears……..