I feel discouraged, I feel I can post this here

[gigusfox.livejournal.com]

I have alot of issues to deal with with my therapist around this and I fele it will take forever to do anything or come up wiht an answer. If my life had been easier maybe I'd feel confidant about this like many people who feel they are the wrong sex. I was raised on devil's advocate by my mother, the onyl stable part of my life was her. This has caused my to psycho analyze myself to the point of exaustion. I have read alot about all the people who transistioned but for the wrong reasons and they shouldn't have. I don't know. Mostly i feel I'm on a timer and the cock is ticking for me to admit to/figure out how I feel. A large part of me wants to be female and has since puberty when I started to really feel that my genitals felt wrong. I just want a way to put my body in stasis so that if and when I decide I want to go on hormones I can have a good amount of effect with them. I'm almsot 23 meh. I wish it was clear cut. When I am in my girl persona nline I ahve more confidance and I act a bit differntly though not much. I feel better thinking of myself as a girl. Maybe this is escapism. I doubt it but I don't know. Trauma can change one's brain in the wierdest of ways. Mostly growing up I honestly didn't notice. Only the geeks and outsiders accepted me becuase I was a creative individual. MY gender expression is mostly nuetral ha ving both masculine and feminine traits more fem though. I feel that I don't know, I get jealous at times when I see girls and it makes little sense to me. Right now I'm at a weird statementally where I wish I would stop thinking about my sex. I am a very touch oriented person and a very vicarious person... I think that... maybe... OH TO HECK WITH IT, girl parts would feel better to me if I had them, I'm almost sure of it. But then, this could just be escapism that has gotten down into my unconsious... I want to halt time for my body or come to a conclusion soon.