*peeks*

[infectedfeline.livejournal.com]

I've been lurking for awhile now.... thought I'd come out and say hi or something. ;)

I'm Steph (aka Jag or Lex), a 23-year-old pre-everything FtM/boi living in the SF Bay Area (Sunnyvale, to be specific), that moved here from Wisconsin/Illinois a year ago. Single, pansexual but leaning heavily towards the queer end, polyamorous (that doesn't mean I go around fucking everyone; on the contrary, my libido's been rather dead for awhile), furry artist (I draw animalistic cartoon characters), therianthrope (I believe my spirit is feline, in a sense), psychonaut (mind expansion is good!), somewhat introverted and scatterbrained, trance-loving goth-raver type. Blah, blah... (Picture is here, if you're interested.)

I've dressed, acted, and felt like a boy for as long as I can remember, but only recently came to the conclusion that I'm transgendered... I guess it was mostly the fact that I wasn't satisfied with medical technology pertaining to gender reassignment (mostly bottom surgery), so I figured I probably would never go through the process of physically transitioning because it would be too much of a pain, waaaay too expensive, the results wouldn't look good, not to mention all the social implications. Now I'm not so sure; I've been unhappy with my body for a long time (hell, I've been depressed in general for a long time), and I do want to change that, beyond simply getting physically fit and taking meds to make me... not care so much. I've not bothered to tell my family yet, as they are on the other side of the country and I'm still trying to figure out how/when/if I'll explain the whole thing. I'm androgynous inside and out, and being treated specifically like a 'girl' makes me uncomfortable, though it's hard for me to come right out and explain that to people. But I still don't know if I'll ever fully transition... for now, I'll just settle for the label of 'genderqueer'.

I ordered my first binder today (from underworks.com), so I guess that's a step in the right direction... I've already been mistaken for a boy a few times in my life (usually the person notices breasts immediately afterwards and awkwardly apologizes), and it makes me feel good to know I can pass if I tried. I joined some trans communities recently in the hopes that I'll gain some insight on gender dysphoria and related things, perhaps make a few friends as well.... if I can get over my own shyness, anyways. :} But I've already seen many wonderful posts -- so keep 'em coming!

(Sorry for the crossposting... this is essentially an intro for all of the groups I've been lurking in. Heh.)

I feel discouraged, I feel I can post this here

[gigusfox.livejournal.com]

I have alot of issues to deal with with my therapist around this and I fele it will take forever to do anything or come up wiht an answer. If my life had been easier maybe I'd feel confidant about this like many people who feel they are the wrong sex. I was raised on devil's advocate by my mother, the onyl stable part of my life was her. This has caused my to psycho analyze myself to the point of exaustion. I have read alot about all the people who transistioned but for the wrong reasons and they shouldn't have. I don't know. Mostly i feel I'm on a timer and the cock is ticking for me to admit to/figure out how I feel. A large part of me wants to be female and has since puberty when I started to really feel that my genitals felt wrong. I just want a way to put my body in stasis so that if and when I decide I want to go on hormones I can have a good amount of effect with them. I'm almsot 23 meh. I wish it was clear cut. When I am in my girl persona nline I ahve more confidance and I act a bit differntly though not much. I feel better thinking of myself as a girl. Maybe this is escapism. I doubt it but I don't know. Trauma can change one's brain in the wierdest of ways. Mostly growing up I honestly didn't notice. Only the geeks and outsiders accepted me becuase I was a creative individual. MY gender expression is mostly nuetral ha ving both masculine and feminine traits more fem though. I feel that I don't know, I get jealous at times when I see girls and it makes little sense to me. Right now I'm at a weird statementally where I wish I would stop thinking about my sex. I am a very touch oriented person and a very vicarious person... I think that... maybe... OH TO HECK WITH IT, girl parts would feel better to me if I had them, I'm almost sure of it. But then, this could just be escapism that has gotten down into my unconsious... I want to halt time for my body or come to a conclusion soon.

Pictures, pre/post transition...

[nuclear-raccoon.livejournal.com]

I uploaded these for a friend and figured you guys might wanna see them, or something.

( pictars )