Self-Medication

[foxxygirltamara.livejournal.com]

I've been getting increasingly frustrated with therapy. I'm not even in regular therapy yet. I first contacted Seattle Counseling Services almost three months ago. I was planning on getting in right away and being on hormones before the end of the year. Well, it's been one frustration after another trying to get it set up. First it was my insurance and then I abandoned my insurance and opted for a sliding-scale program because I'm a student. Then it was trying to schedule an initial visit which took a month of phone tag. I finally got into the initial visit and they said they would call me and schedule my first appointment. Well, I finally got a call about three weeks later which scheduled me for the next week. I showed up after a two-hour bus ride to find out that my therapist had flaked out and not showed up for work (it just happened to be the day before Thanksgiving). So they said they would call me on Monday (yesterday), which they didn't. I'm going to call them today and make sure I get into see them. I've been calling and calling them trying to work out something. It's becoming increasingly frustrating.

With my increased frustration has been increased depression. After my little drama with my girlfriend's mother about my Thanksgiving appearance, I've just become so withdrawn and depressed. I haven't gone to school for these last two weeks and finals are coming up so I have to study but I just don't feel like I have the energy. Even worse, I've been having thoughts of self-harm. I've done really well and haven't burned myself since Pride (my gf and I got into a fight at the parade) but I'm just feeling so much build-up of pressure and stress that I feel immobilized by it. I stayed in bed until after 3 on Sunday and Monday and I just feel my life is wasting away.


So, I am again tempted by self-medication. I know that just being on hormones, even a low dose, would make me feel so much better. But my delays with my therapist have pushed my letter date from the end of this year until at least March. I just don't know that I can stay out of trouble until then. I know therapy will help but there really is no substitute for hormones.

Does anyone have any experience with self-medication? What are the dangers or risks? Can I get a doctor to do bloodwork for me who isn't controlling my prescription? Can I find a doctor to prescribe me hormones without a letter? Is there an endo people know and love in the Seattle area?

I'm desperate and I'm worried that I'm more likely to hurt myself by my own hand than I am from poorly managed medication. This would only be to stave off my depression until I can get a real prescription (which is probably 3-4 months away). I'm not abandoning therapy, both because I need the help and because I need more letters, I'm just doing this while I'm in therapy.

I'm not looking for regimens, I've seen enough myself. I'd probably take 2mg estradiol valerate, just enough to make me feel better. I'm looking for people's experiences and advice. My gf keeps advising me not to self-medicate but I'm finding it difficult to find other people to medicate me. Help.