I am not trans.

[foxxygirltamara.livejournal.com]

EDIT: My friend asked me to remove all direct references to her as she felt I was misrepreseting her opinions. This was emphatically not an attack on her. I simply used her comments as examples of certain sentiments in the trans community. My sincere apologies.

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I wrote this entry in my journal that will be relevant here, because of the arguments and infighting that have been going on. I originally wrote it to go here but I decided to post it to my personal journal. Now I am posting it here because, well, everyone else is speaking up :-)


A couple days ago I was hanging out with my girlfriend, moonangel_135 (who is a gg) and our friend M., who is mtf. Through no negative intentions (we love her very much), some random statements throughout the day that M. said hit a nerve in me. Around 5am, I went downstairs and locked myself in the bathroom to cry myself out.

The general idea was that I was getting the "trans enough blues" (as referenced in a recent poll on transgender). I was also doing a quite a bit of self-pitying ("why should I have to go through all of this?"). Here is what I came up with:

"Trans"
"Ladies and gentlemen and invited transgender species..." -- Data

I did not want to be trans. Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a girl. I never dreamed of being a "transsexual", "transgenderist", "transgendered person", "t-girl", "mtf", etc. etc.. I just wanted to be a girl. I felt I was a girl and that being a boy was something alien to me that was being imposed on me by parents, god, society, etc. I understand that a lot of people are androgynous and feel they can construct their own gender. People in the ftm world seem to be especially good at this. These and other people really adopt a "trans" identity. However, this is not me. I don't like being told that I can't be a "real" girl. I can be whatever I want to be. I am a girl. "Trans" may be a descriptive word
for me but is not my identity. Biology is not destiny.

Edit: M.'s feelings on this issue are quite similar to mine. We have talked about this before.

"Boy" Clothes
"I dress myself" -- Ralph Wiggum

I can be however androgynous I want to be. M. seemed rather offended a few days ago and said "I do not wear boy clothes." Well, I probably wear as many boy clothes as my girlfriend, or my other friends do. Being a so-called "t-girl", should not mean I have to eschew everything that can be identified with "maleness" or "masculinity". If so-called "bio-girl" friends of mine can be comfortable with an androgynous appearance, I see no reason why I shouldn't. Biology is not destiny.

Edit: M. says she was being facetious, as she does like to go around in drag sometimes.

Periods
"I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die" -- Mr. Garrison

Being a girl, to me, has nothing to do with having periods -- I do not, moonangel_135 does not, but M. does. She said she feels that is how women are supposed to work. I agree with moonangel_135 and I am glad that I do not cycle and do not menstruate. There is no clear evidence that not cycling / not menstruating is that bad for you ("bio" or "trans"). Menstruation is not a requirement of being female. Biology is not destiny.

Edit: M. says that she has experienced cycling since before she was on HRT. However, there are still plenty of women that choose to induce it. It's their choice, I just don't understand it.

Babies
"It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation." -- Cartman

Being a girl, to me, has nothing to do with having babies. I count myself lucky that I do not have to worry about having an undesired pregnancy. I have wanted to "be a mommy" off and on in the past (less as I get older). moonangel_135 definitely does not want children, especially bearing them herself so it is unlikely we will have kids. There are enough "breeders" around that pop out babies for no particular reason. If we really decide we want kids, there are plenty of children up for adoption. If that is "too much trouble / money / etc" then we really do not want kids bad enough. Women are not baby machines. Biology is not destiny.

Edit: M. says that just because she wants a baby at some point in the future doesn't mean she thinks everyone should. I never thought she did think that. This section applies to both bio- and trans-women and the fight for reproductive rights.

Vaginas
"There's no sand in my vagina!" -- Kyle

Being a girl, to me, has nothing to do with having a vagina. I have much less angst about my penis than I have had in the past. moonangel_135 always talks in terms of "when I have the operation". It's not 100% clear to me that I want "the operation". If I could wave a free magic wand and suddenly have a vagina and if I wasn't completely satisfied, I could wave it again to get my penis back, then I would do it in a second. However, it isn't free and requires a leap of faith that I will be satisfied with the results. Generally, surgery is a scary prospect and especially when it has the possibility of destroying your sex life. I am neither non-op nor pre-op, I am more "undecided"-op. However, whether or not I choose to have genital surgery should not affect other people's perceptions of me. Not having GRS does not make someone not a member of their desired gender. Look how much more complicated the issue becomes with transmen who generally cannot get satisfactory GRS. Biology is not destiny.

Edit: This section was the result of some dismayal about the possibility and success of being able to have GRS anytime in the relatively near future (say, next five years). M. has also said that she is not sure that she will get GRS and has mused that "it would be wonderful to have both".

Conclusion
"Carthage must be destroyed!" -- Marcus Porcius Cato

In short, I am the only person who can define who I am. I would rather have just been a bio-girl and not have to go through all this, therefore I do not identify with being "trans". As a descriptive word, it's relevant but how often do you go around using the term "bio-girl" or "xx girl". I am a girl. I am a girl who is rather androgynous, who does not have periods and whose goal in life is not to pop out a bunch of babies (even if I could). I am me and only I know who that is. Only I can define 'me'.

Edit: I never said that any in particular was trying to define my gender. This was just a general rant at gender itself.