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Apr. 9th, 2005 12:41 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
jennyemily.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transYeah, it's really tricky when you're trans. Many years ago, after having been burnt in one too many relationships I vowed not to have another, until I was fully through the transition. So many women that I had met treated me as if I was some kind of sexual novelty. So many wanted to dabble in Lesbianism without crossing the boundry in their mind of being 'gay'. So that meant that relationships were easy to form, but for all the wrong reasons. It seems they wanted a 'chick with a dick' to act out some deep repressed fantasy. And like all fantasies, the novelty quickly comes to an end, and I would find myself dumped like yesterday's newspapers in the rubbish bin of life. I, on the other hand, wanted something different - I was looking for some-one to love, and to be loved. I never truly found it and that leaves a feeling of emptiness deep inside like a cancer on the soul. Am I destined to be single all my life because for most a transsexual is some-one who can never to them be anything more than just a friend?
It is hard; so, so hard. Just because I am in transition and trans doesn't mean that I have lost all my wants and desires and loves. Just like any normal person I still possess the deep-down craving to love and be loved. Those desires grow stronger and stronger as the years of being alone grow longer and longer. It is not nice being alone; to lie in an empty bed at night staring at the ceiling and wondering what it was I did to deserve this. With only my Teddy Bear that I have had since the week I was born as my only companion to cuddle, should I be ashamed that there have been nights that I cried myself to sleep because I hate to be alone?
After Alice back in May 2000 I vowed to be celibate and not seek relationships. Too many times it had all ended so badly. Too many times it had driven me to give up all hope and only be saved by those around me who I could truly call friends. I would not rise to the bait of the others who would - and did - come to seek their fantasies. They would be brushed politely aside because I knew it was the only way to preserve my sanity and concentrate on writing the fundamental wrong of my life.
But now I find myself wanting a relationship so much more. For a while the treatment had dulled my urges as my body learnt to cope with puberty for a second time. For a long time there was nothing to think about - the elation of progress and perpetuating that progress was enough to drive me on. But my body has learnt to cope, and my desires have returned more focussed than before. True, I never possessed desires for sexual relationships as such - it was the love thing I craved that I have talked so much about. However I find myself needing to love and be loved more than ever before. My insecurities have risen up as I take each day looking in the mirror at the changes, so slow that they are, but they are coming. My confidence is higher than I can ever remember since the days long ago that I could go to Newcastle en femme and pass to the crowds without a care (I was much younger then, and self-medicating enough to stave off the maleness that would later return). With confidence comes the feelings of wanting to try again.
But then that invokes the big questions: Just what am I - or more importantly what do other people perceive me as when it comes to the possibilities of relationships? I perceive myself as female: I have a female name, am ascribed female pronouns and am even listed as female on so many official things. I live as female full time and have never looked back with any kind of fear or desire that might motivate me to return to pretending to be male. But then I am accutely aware of the prejudices and ignorance that exist amongst non-transpeople towards transpeople. I have a lot of friends, good friends (and in so many ways I have been pleasently suprised at the support I have received from so many people). But that is all they are; nothing more.
There are those that I fancy - and I have to be honest and say that I truly do wish to form a relationship with them. But can they cope with some-one like me? Will it prove too much for them? I do not wish to jeopodise friendships by letting them know I like them in that way lest it weirds them out and the friendship becomes strained. There are men, and there are women, but I am worried that I can never tell any of them or attempt to instigate something more than friendship.
What can I do? It is difficult for me to know caught between so many emotions and curious juxtaposed feelings. Some people will forever seek to reassure me by saying "Your time will come" or "You will find the right one out there for you in time". However I cannot shift the fear that neither holds true. It has been nearly five years since Alice. Five years of being alone is too much to bear.
Cyber hugs from friends are one thing, but real hugs are another. I want a real hug that means so much more than "there, there". I want it to mean "I love you".
Reposted from the subscribe-only supprt forum at http://www.nobmouse.net
It is hard; so, so hard. Just because I am in transition and trans doesn't mean that I have lost all my wants and desires and loves. Just like any normal person I still possess the deep-down craving to love and be loved. Those desires grow stronger and stronger as the years of being alone grow longer and longer. It is not nice being alone; to lie in an empty bed at night staring at the ceiling and wondering what it was I did to deserve this. With only my Teddy Bear that I have had since the week I was born as my only companion to cuddle, should I be ashamed that there have been nights that I cried myself to sleep because I hate to be alone?
After Alice back in May 2000 I vowed to be celibate and not seek relationships. Too many times it had all ended so badly. Too many times it had driven me to give up all hope and only be saved by those around me who I could truly call friends. I would not rise to the bait of the others who would - and did - come to seek their fantasies. They would be brushed politely aside because I knew it was the only way to preserve my sanity and concentrate on writing the fundamental wrong of my life.
But now I find myself wanting a relationship so much more. For a while the treatment had dulled my urges as my body learnt to cope with puberty for a second time. For a long time there was nothing to think about - the elation of progress and perpetuating that progress was enough to drive me on. But my body has learnt to cope, and my desires have returned more focussed than before. True, I never possessed desires for sexual relationships as such - it was the love thing I craved that I have talked so much about. However I find myself needing to love and be loved more than ever before. My insecurities have risen up as I take each day looking in the mirror at the changes, so slow that they are, but they are coming. My confidence is higher than I can ever remember since the days long ago that I could go to Newcastle en femme and pass to the crowds without a care (I was much younger then, and self-medicating enough to stave off the maleness that would later return). With confidence comes the feelings of wanting to try again.
But then that invokes the big questions: Just what am I - or more importantly what do other people perceive me as when it comes to the possibilities of relationships? I perceive myself as female: I have a female name, am ascribed female pronouns and am even listed as female on so many official things. I live as female full time and have never looked back with any kind of fear or desire that might motivate me to return to pretending to be male. But then I am accutely aware of the prejudices and ignorance that exist amongst non-transpeople towards transpeople. I have a lot of friends, good friends (and in so many ways I have been pleasently suprised at the support I have received from so many people). But that is all they are; nothing more.
There are those that I fancy - and I have to be honest and say that I truly do wish to form a relationship with them. But can they cope with some-one like me? Will it prove too much for them? I do not wish to jeopodise friendships by letting them know I like them in that way lest it weirds them out and the friendship becomes strained. There are men, and there are women, but I am worried that I can never tell any of them or attempt to instigate something more than friendship.
What can I do? It is difficult for me to know caught between so many emotions and curious juxtaposed feelings. Some people will forever seek to reassure me by saying "Your time will come" or "You will find the right one out there for you in time". However I cannot shift the fear that neither holds true. It has been nearly five years since Alice. Five years of being alone is too much to bear.
Cyber hugs from friends are one thing, but real hugs are another. I want a real hug that means so much more than "there, there". I want it to mean "I love you".
Reposted from the subscribe-only supprt forum at http://www.nobmouse.net
