Hi

[lookingforholes.livejournal.com]

Hi, it is my first time writing here, and actually my first time writing about this topic in general, so I am kind of nervous. I believe I am an FTM, and I have thought this from the time I was a kid. At ten my best friend and I decided on boy names, and I told her that someday I was going to get my sex changed. Of course, she thought I was kidding, and I was telling her this in all honesty. About two years ago, I started telling some of my friends about the fact that I was in the wrong body and in reality I am a man that just needs some work done. I was told that I was to girly to be a boy, and that phrase has stuck in my mind ever since. Everytime I fix my hair in the morning, everytime I put on my make up, and everytime I get dressed, all I can think is "you're to girly to be a boy." But the thoughts of becoming a man have never left my mind. I am tormented with the thought that there is something about me that just is not right. I am driven crazy with the thought that I am missing something, that I lost it, and I don't know when I lost it, where I lost it, or how I can get it back. Lately, I have begun to realize that what I have lost is my identity. I am a man stuck in the wrong body. I am scared to tell people this though. I know that my girlfriend would leave me, my family would disown me, and my friends would disappear. I just want to be me, but I can't do it alone.