Seeker Seek
May. 2nd, 2005 02:53 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
nehikat.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transim feeling erased. im feeling like there is no place for the kind of face that i have, the kind of spirit that manifests as i am: androgynous, fuzzy gender...another gender...not man, not woman. where in the world is there a place for a cree trans-identified but not man-identified two spirit tribal nationalist?
is there somewhere that i can go or is it in me and i just have to let it radiate outwards? ive been feeling kinda blue b/c i have been seeking (seeker) mentors and not finding them. seeking a someone to tell me how to be in the world as a cree warrior twospirit tribal nationalist trans-identified but not man identitified human being....seeking an elder or someone, anyone to tell me how to live a good life, to tell me what the rules are for living in honor.
but i am beginning to suspect that i am going to have to be the person that supplies the answers to my questions in the absence of anyone to help me find clarity...and anyway, how many of us are there? how many other cree warrior twospirit tribal nationalist trans-identified but not man identitified human beings walking the earth with whom i could commune?
it seems to me that there arent a lot of us around. maybe i am the only one. in all the world maybe i am the only one????
there was this documentary i saw once about this guy named ishi, a yahi...he was "the last of his kind". a movie was made about him and graham greene played ishi. i felt so sad for him b/c i knew how it was be so alone and none of your "kind" around you, to find comfort and community with. to see yourself reflected and to know for certain that you do have substance, you're not being erased and you are real because look! there is a nechi just like you, a relative who knows your walk and who shares your story...we talk in different voices but we tell a similar story...and the sound of our voices interlaces but their individuality is not lost; the interlacing only enhances the sound of the chorus.
so i am going to have to invent the rules...i am going to have to dream the traditions into being with the help of my ancestors.
i dont like feeling this isolated...this erased. but i know that to stop myself from being erased i have to find my voice and speak with it...the sound of my voice will push back the blinding and a space will be created for me...a cree warrior twospirit tribal nationalist trans-identified but not man identitified human being.
and all that implies
is there somewhere that i can go or is it in me and i just have to let it radiate outwards? ive been feeling kinda blue b/c i have been seeking (seeker) mentors and not finding them. seeking a someone to tell me how to be in the world as a cree warrior twospirit tribal nationalist trans-identified but not man identitified human being....seeking an elder or someone, anyone to tell me how to live a good life, to tell me what the rules are for living in honor.
but i am beginning to suspect that i am going to have to be the person that supplies the answers to my questions in the absence of anyone to help me find clarity...and anyway, how many of us are there? how many other cree warrior twospirit tribal nationalist trans-identified but not man identitified human beings walking the earth with whom i could commune?
it seems to me that there arent a lot of us around. maybe i am the only one. in all the world maybe i am the only one????
there was this documentary i saw once about this guy named ishi, a yahi...he was "the last of his kind". a movie was made about him and graham greene played ishi. i felt so sad for him b/c i knew how it was be so alone and none of your "kind" around you, to find comfort and community with. to see yourself reflected and to know for certain that you do have substance, you're not being erased and you are real because look! there is a nechi just like you, a relative who knows your walk and who shares your story...we talk in different voices but we tell a similar story...and the sound of our voices interlaces but their individuality is not lost; the interlacing only enhances the sound of the chorus.
so i am going to have to invent the rules...i am going to have to dream the traditions into being with the help of my ancestors.
i dont like feeling this isolated...this erased. but i know that to stop myself from being erased i have to find my voice and speak with it...the sound of my voice will push back the blinding and a space will be created for me...a cree warrior twospirit tribal nationalist trans-identified but not man identitified human being.
and all that implies