What the heck I feel like sharing today/night X-posted in lots of places sorry

[jonny2jonnie.livejournal.com]

I feel bad at the moment, really bad. Sometimes I think my testosterone keeps me from killing myself cause it helps me put away my emotions. That it allows me to go on and forget about myself and think about other things for awhile. Sometimes I think my male numbness to the world is the only thing keeping me from curly up in alittle ball hoping I suffocate to death. Sometimes I wish I would and get it over with ( not the suffocating part). Just having a good cry and not feeling bad for it. From school, daily life, strangers, and just how the world works I've taught myself not to feel, I locked up myself up long ago and now I'm afraid to let her out, can she handle the outside world? Sometimes I wish I were a true girl. If I start taking hormones will I have some big break down and go crazy and kill myself or will everything just fall into place and just be peaceful? Sometimes I wonder if there will be anybody there to help me on my journey someone real not just on the computer someone I can talk and they listen. They don't need answers just love and support. I wonder if my family will abandon me or will I try to abandon them first? Will my friends I've known for years suddenly abandon me in disgust of me? Will I ever be convincing? Sometimes I I hope that everything will some how turn out for the better without any hassle and stress, but I think I'm headed for a big down fall. I don't think my parents, sister, or any other family will accept me or get passed the whole guy in girl clothes thing. Maybe not all of my friends will abandon me, but I don't want to lose any. How will I get through collage, how will I find a job, how will I date? Sometimes I think I'm a fool, but sometimes I know what feel is true. I don't want to die inside so I can live a "normal" life. I don't want to be shut off for being who I am. These only options are killing me.