Thoughts on progress and change.

[soquili-gitli.livejournal.com]

So, hi. A while back, someone mentioned in response to a comment that I'd made that I should share a bit of my philosophy and how I arrived at where I am. Well, it's taken me a while to find the time to post this, but I figure that I've a bit of time now. So, on with the show.

I'm Mikhaila, 28 year old biological male living in the San Jose area. I'm a great many things, and I wear a great many labels, but none of that's really important. What is important is that I seem to have found some peace and understanding in most of my life in a very direct manner. Please note, this is all MY philosophy. All MY experiences. None of this really applies to anyone else, and how I got where I am simply won't work for everyone. But, if I can help one person by sharing this, then it would be nearly criminal for me not to.

The changes that have allowed me to have this peace and understanding have roots that go a long way back, but I think I can condense just to save you all from the Jerry Springer marathon that is my life's story. Not to say that I regret a single thing about my life, nor to make light of anyone or any of the groups to which I belong, but I can't help but giggle when relating swaths of my life to someone who doesn't really know me well enough. I can actually see the little "What a load of BULLSHIT" light go on behind their eyes.

So, now that we've got a LITTLE context, let's get to the point. My apologies.

Basically, when the dysphoria hit the fan this year, I ran with it. At first it was a "HOLY SHIT!! There's something WRONG with me!" sensation. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'd hazard that at least some can relate. Plotting out the entire rest of your life until SRS, panic-driven, staring at the face in the mirror with an ingot of lead in your guts. But then I realized that there was nothing I could do immediately. Nor even short-term. I'd just have to explore this a lot more, do my homework and give myself a good hard look. There was so much to do before I could even consider myself in transition, before I could 'start' to think of myself as TG.

So, after the initial period of completely freaking out, I relaxed. At some point, I just looked in the mirror one day and made a point of seeing beyond the scruffy boy that was staring right back at me. I resigned myself to the simple fact that I'd been in this body for 28 years, and that, try as I might, it would be some time before I could 'fix' it. I started, at some point, just working to better understand myself. And the kid gloves came off.

The only way that I've gotten to where I am, in the end, is by being 100% honest with myself. By shaking myself bodily and forcing my eyes inward. Surveying the damage done by myself and by others, sorting out the good from the bad, taking inventory. It is through this process alone that I've been able to find peace with myself, and it's resolved a great deal of a number of other issues.

I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. But I am happier, I am more in touch with the parts of myself that are emotional. I've taken as much as I can from the male aspect of my life, dusted it off, and tried to reshape it. Granted, there wasn't a whole lot there that wasn't broken or flawed, but there was something.

If I had three words that could sum up who I am now, they would be: Patience, Understanding, Love.

I've still got a long way to go, but I'm working from a better foundation. I could ramble on about my support structures, but I think that it would be best served if I simply said that I was thankful for each and every person who's helped me get where I am. Everyone who's put up with me as I've worked to better be who I am.

Thanks for listening.

kthxbai

[X-Posted to my personal LJ]