trans | Jul. 11th, 2005

I’ve never really intro’d myself. Today I had this weird revelation and it made me really need to vent so…intro/my revelation…

Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted to be a boy. I remember hanging out with my friends in preschool and being like “boys only” and telling everyone it was okay for me to be around ‘cause I was a boy. I remember telling everyone my favorite color was brown because I thought it would make people think I was a boy (yeah kids have weird logic). When I was about twelve I decided that I wanted gender reassignment surgery. I started to try to bind my breasts then, but it just gotten harder and harder to sucessfully do it since I’ve grown to be a D cup.

Here’s the weird thing- im really feminine. I mean, I’m really crass and I do some things that are masculine, but I love wearing makeup. I don’t mind wearing tight shirts and often do (although skirts, dresses and tight pants are a different thing altogether…) I still know I’m a boy.

Today I was looking in the mirror and I was wearing a loose button up shirt that hid my breasts. I filled in my eyebrows and tied my hair back. I looked somewhat passing. I started to get choked up. Maybe it sounds lame, but I felt so…I don’t know…wrong. I felt so wrong knowing that that wasn’t who I was. That I couldn’t be that…

God, im getting choked up now thinking about it again. I just feel so alone. I mean, I never hear about ftm’s who are feminine. I think if I was a boy I’d still wear makeup. I’d be like a boy in drag. I want to have a boyfriend as a male, not as a female.

I don’t know whats wrong with me. I honestly havent told anyone about this. I asked my bf tonight if he’d still love me if I got a sex change (he’s bi) and he got all weird. He was like “why’d you do that? I love you as my girlfriend…”

I told him I was just asking hypothetically. I don’t know what to do. I feel so…wrong