"Where did you go?"

[justanormalgirl.livejournal.com]

That's Tamar. The person looking back at me in those pictures looks like they're looking at me and wanting something from me, like they're saying "Where did you go? Why did you leave me?" -- 'cuz I did, I left her.
-- TJ (trannytrent) on "Transgenerations"

I just changed my name on Tuesday finally and now I'm getting all my records corrected. Last night I got my IDs out and thought about the changes I went through (I have school IDs from 6th grade through two years of college, in addition to the one I just got with my real name on it finally) -- I remember the feelings, the events, how much I was struggling because over the course of that entire time I was struggling very seriously with gender issues. I ended up sharing them with my roommate and thus coming out to her (it didn't really phase her, she's known enough trans people for it to not be a big deal -- that's a different post).

But as I was looking for those pictures, I couldn't find them and I almost cried, saying "not yet".


(22:33:05) Tamara: i am so disconnected from him
(22:33:11) Tamara: i don't know how to relate
(22:35:47) Sasha: do you feel like he is a end in his own
(22:36:00) Sasha: or does he just exist to satisfy ppl in your life
(22:36:05) Tamara: i don't know
(22:36:20) Tamara: he's a very sad boy
(22:36:25) Tamara: like i said
(22:36:29) Tamara: i think he killed himself
(22:37:01) Sasha: how?
(22:38:02) Tamara: i don't know
(22:38:09) Tamara: he's gone
(22:40:02) Sasha: did he leave anything behind
(22:40:11) Sasha: an explanation
(22:40:14) Sasha: a symbol?
(22:41:02) Tamara: i don't know
(22:41:04) Tamara: i don't have closure
(22:41:09) Tamara: i'm carrying him
(22:41:14) Tamara: but i don't know what happened
(22:41:29) Tamara: i want to bury him
(22:41:32) Tamara: but i'm scared
(22:41:38) Tamara: that i will miss him
(22:41:43) Tamara: even though he's gone


How do you relate? How do you deal? I'm carrying this burden but I'm afraid to let go. What do you think?