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Oct. 18th, 2005 03:28 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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transCross-posted (And snipped a bit) to my personal journal, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
savannahkestrel
At school today, Ken asked me where I was with transition and how it works and such. I explained to him the various steps and that it generally takes a few years if you work it fast, and that it's pretty rigorous so a person would really need to commit to reach the point of SRS via the normal channels. He also asked me about hormones; One particular question was "If someone is taking them and they decide it isn't right for them, how does that work?".. I answered as best I can, that the brest development doesn't go away and that after a certain amount of time you go sterile. That there's a kind of "point of no return" where there are pemanent changes to your body.
The fact that Ken asked me about that stuff today only reaffirms my desicion to do my senior project on transgender issues and, more specifically, my transition and why I'm doing it. The entire staff is aware of my desicion, and while some call me "Matt" and others call me "Savannah", I still get the strong feeling that not very many, if any at all, are really aware of what "Transgender" means or the reasons behind doing such a thing. However, they've all been respectful about it even if they don't fully understand it.
In my experience, I've had more trouble with people who did not understand or know what it meant fully than with any kind of aimed prejudice. Seems that most people associate it with the closest term they understand, "transvestite" or whatnot. And so after I spend an hour trying to explain to someone they would come back at me with "So.. you just really like to wear women's clothes that much?" or the more accurate but annoyingly phrased "You want to be a woman.. is that right?". I find that phrased awkwardly because I do not want to be a woman.. It isn't that I woke up one day and said "Whoa, it'd really be a trip if I was a chick, huh?". Which is what it seems they think when they phrase it back to me that way. I usually let it go that way because I'm not sure if it's just the way it's phrased or they still don't get it.
That's another thing. "Getting it". When I try to explain it to people, I'm trying to explain a feeling within myself that they've probably never experienced. It's like trying to explain color to a dog. Sure, they try to understand and make an effort.. But it always comes back that the closest thing they can compare it to is a want or an urge to be a woman (Speaking in generalities, this is just the feeling that I tend to get). Maybe it's just me.. but this is something inside me that's unique, this is not me being confused with my sexual orientation or my masculinity / femininity. To this day, I struggle to find words to explain it.. This is a problem for me, I need to find a way to transfer this wad of emotion and feeling in my mind into text and words. A difficult task at best..
Going back to the masculine / feminine issue. My mom is less abrasive about all this but still does not understand. Though, I am thankful it's winded down to her not understanding from her thinking I'm possessed. She feels that I am like this becuase I never had a father in my life and the only male role models in my life have been her boyfriends; The latest of which being the ever infamous Bob. Bob was in our lives four seven years. From the time I was just ending fifth grade to the time I was just entering 11th grade. He tore me up inside, he was brash, crude, and competitive. Traits that I don't indulge in. I remember on the first date with my mom that i was there, he had said something rude and I stood up and said "I do not appreciate the crude way you are speaking to my mother, sir". And that pissed him off.. After that it was a slow process of developing an exterior shell to seem more like the son he wanted. Being regailed with stories of how gay people are bad people and should be "stuck up their ass with a pike" along with being called faggot, queer, and gay only reinforced my shell. So for the time he was in my life I was very much lacking a personality or life. I don't remember many friends, either. My mom believes that because of this negative role-model I am reject my masculinity by retreating into being a girl. Evidence she uses includes; The times I spoke with her about these "feeligns" were in sixth grade and 11th grade. Just before and just after Bob was in our lives. She doesn't remember the first time, but she is steadily set on the fact that I am simply confused and lost because of Bob and my friends who influence and encourage me to go through with this. Anything besides the fact that I made the final realization during a week of extreme solitude. She also does not believe me that this problem has been with me my whole life, she believes it manifested when Bob left us.
All of these can be very valid points. I, however, know in my heart that they are very inaccurate. But it's difficult to counter my mom by saying "It's just something I know. It's something that I can't change.. I don't know how to explain it." doesn't cut it. She says that I was made to think that by my friends brainwashing me and decieving me into believing it. Which is a feasable idea, from her point of view. I just flounder to muster a defense.
Which leaves me with attempting to formulate a more stable explanation of this more easily understood by people hearing of this for the first time. Which is what I'll be doing in my Senior Project. It's an essay and oral / visual presentation to the faculty to exhibit that I am competant enough to graduate. But I also need to utilize this in an attempt to explain why I suddenly wanted to be called Savannah and looked like a girl. I just need to be careful about how I do it.. Some of the teachers may be well-versed others may not have a clue. And, quite frankly, it seems my explanations so far have sucked.
Gosh dang.. Something that I know down to the very fiber of my being and I can't figure out anything similar.. Augh.
When I was younger, like 5 or 6, I never really knew the defining lines between boys and girls so it didn't really matter to me. But as time went on and the deviding lines became thicker and formed walls, I felt trapped on the wrong side of the wall, so to speak. I never really thought of myself as a boy until the image was forced upon me by my mom's first boyfriend (He used to dangle me over the balcony by my ankles to toughen me up) and at that point, I was in third grade.. 10 years old? At that point I started trying to be accepted as a boy, as I never did appreciate the harassment and solitude my strange behavior afforded me. When that boyfriend left, however, I stopped acting the part. This was 4th-5th grade. Had a lot of teasing then, kids through around fag, faggot, gay, etc a lot. Kind of like I had a strange form of cooties. Of course, come the time between 5th and 6th grade Bob shows up and thus starts the forming of my turtle shell.
The next progress I made with myself wasn't until a few months living in RB. And a very solitary few months they were. I was having a lot of depression and anxiety from no specific place I could tell. Met Telan and her group, the tried to draw me out. And did, kind of. After about a year of just being dummed down and depressed, I started remembering and realizing what it was that was upsetting me. And during that time I spent a very long week in my room writing in my livejournal and being extra emo, I'm sure. (It was Spring Break.. fun way to spend it, eh?)
The issue that has plagued me in various force all my life is an unsettled, sickening one. One that tells me who I really am. And it was telling me that I was hiding myself. It seems the longer I stuck these feelings under my pillow the harder and faster the surfaced. After that week and realizing it, I was still unsure and hid it again for a few months.. Of course, they came back.. And I've since accepted them and worked with myself to understand exactly what the heck I can do. I was faced with two choice; Accept it or reject it. Very simple. The implications for either are not few.
If I accept it.. what does that mean? Living a life as a person so many people would view as a freak or odditity and someone to avoid. Be shuned by a lot of people, possibly attacked, be harassed. Not to mention the sheer stress of transition itself. This has not been easy on me. It's been Hell. If I could choose to have avoided all this by being a normal guy, I would have. But ah-hah, I cannot; There are no such easy choices- and like hell there's an easy way out of this. The one thing that I crave.. isn't fame or wealth or even to be beautiful, really. I just want to be accepted for who I am. (Although, the more shallow side of me wants to be pretty.. I feel oh so ugly..)
If I reject it, pretend as if it never happened. Well, I tried that. It turned out to be a stopped up boiler. But, if I did choose to lock it away forever.. I would be faced with it haunting the back of my mind and my underlying thoughts my whole life. As it had so far. Not to mention the extreme depression from no explicable souce until I acknowledged those feelings. It did not take me long to see that rejecting it would only mean a more difficult life than accepting it.
And, really, having to go through all this? It's taught me a great deal. Far more than I would know by being "normal", in many ways it's beneficial to who I am as a person. And I've also learned a lot about others.. Not all good, but I've learned ways to avoid the bad.
Well.. That's quite a lot, I think.. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I've been meaning to write about this for a couple weeks but I've been avoiding it because it still seemed a bit garbled in my head.
~Savannah~
savannahkestrelAt school today, Ken asked me where I was with transition and how it works and such. I explained to him the various steps and that it generally takes a few years if you work it fast, and that it's pretty rigorous so a person would really need to commit to reach the point of SRS via the normal channels. He also asked me about hormones; One particular question was "If someone is taking them and they decide it isn't right for them, how does that work?".. I answered as best I can, that the brest development doesn't go away and that after a certain amount of time you go sterile. That there's a kind of "point of no return" where there are pemanent changes to your body.
The fact that Ken asked me about that stuff today only reaffirms my desicion to do my senior project on transgender issues and, more specifically, my transition and why I'm doing it. The entire staff is aware of my desicion, and while some call me "Matt" and others call me "Savannah", I still get the strong feeling that not very many, if any at all, are really aware of what "Transgender" means or the reasons behind doing such a thing. However, they've all been respectful about it even if they don't fully understand it.
In my experience, I've had more trouble with people who did not understand or know what it meant fully than with any kind of aimed prejudice. Seems that most people associate it with the closest term they understand, "transvestite" or whatnot. And so after I spend an hour trying to explain to someone they would come back at me with "So.. you just really like to wear women's clothes that much?" or the more accurate but annoyingly phrased "You want to be a woman.. is that right?". I find that phrased awkwardly because I do not want to be a woman.. It isn't that I woke up one day and said "Whoa, it'd really be a trip if I was a chick, huh?". Which is what it seems they think when they phrase it back to me that way. I usually let it go that way because I'm not sure if it's just the way it's phrased or they still don't get it.
That's another thing. "Getting it". When I try to explain it to people, I'm trying to explain a feeling within myself that they've probably never experienced. It's like trying to explain color to a dog. Sure, they try to understand and make an effort.. But it always comes back that the closest thing they can compare it to is a want or an urge to be a woman (Speaking in generalities, this is just the feeling that I tend to get). Maybe it's just me.. but this is something inside me that's unique, this is not me being confused with my sexual orientation or my masculinity / femininity. To this day, I struggle to find words to explain it.. This is a problem for me, I need to find a way to transfer this wad of emotion and feeling in my mind into text and words. A difficult task at best..
Going back to the masculine / feminine issue. My mom is less abrasive about all this but still does not understand. Though, I am thankful it's winded down to her not understanding from her thinking I'm possessed. She feels that I am like this becuase I never had a father in my life and the only male role models in my life have been her boyfriends; The latest of which being the ever infamous Bob. Bob was in our lives four seven years. From the time I was just ending fifth grade to the time I was just entering 11th grade. He tore me up inside, he was brash, crude, and competitive. Traits that I don't indulge in. I remember on the first date with my mom that i was there, he had said something rude and I stood up and said "I do not appreciate the crude way you are speaking to my mother, sir". And that pissed him off.. After that it was a slow process of developing an exterior shell to seem more like the son he wanted. Being regailed with stories of how gay people are bad people and should be "stuck up their ass with a pike" along with being called faggot, queer, and gay only reinforced my shell. So for the time he was in my life I was very much lacking a personality or life. I don't remember many friends, either. My mom believes that because of this negative role-model I am reject my masculinity by retreating into being a girl. Evidence she uses includes; The times I spoke with her about these "feeligns" were in sixth grade and 11th grade. Just before and just after Bob was in our lives. She doesn't remember the first time, but she is steadily set on the fact that I am simply confused and lost because of Bob and my friends who influence and encourage me to go through with this. Anything besides the fact that I made the final realization during a week of extreme solitude. She also does not believe me that this problem has been with me my whole life, she believes it manifested when Bob left us.
All of these can be very valid points. I, however, know in my heart that they are very inaccurate. But it's difficult to counter my mom by saying "It's just something I know. It's something that I can't change.. I don't know how to explain it." doesn't cut it. She says that I was made to think that by my friends brainwashing me and decieving me into believing it. Which is a feasable idea, from her point of view. I just flounder to muster a defense.
Which leaves me with attempting to formulate a more stable explanation of this more easily understood by people hearing of this for the first time. Which is what I'll be doing in my Senior Project. It's an essay and oral / visual presentation to the faculty to exhibit that I am competant enough to graduate. But I also need to utilize this in an attempt to explain why I suddenly wanted to be called Savannah and looked like a girl. I just need to be careful about how I do it.. Some of the teachers may be well-versed others may not have a clue. And, quite frankly, it seems my explanations so far have sucked.
Gosh dang.. Something that I know down to the very fiber of my being and I can't figure out anything similar.. Augh.
When I was younger, like 5 or 6, I never really knew the defining lines between boys and girls so it didn't really matter to me. But as time went on and the deviding lines became thicker and formed walls, I felt trapped on the wrong side of the wall, so to speak. I never really thought of myself as a boy until the image was forced upon me by my mom's first boyfriend (He used to dangle me over the balcony by my ankles to toughen me up) and at that point, I was in third grade.. 10 years old? At that point I started trying to be accepted as a boy, as I never did appreciate the harassment and solitude my strange behavior afforded me. When that boyfriend left, however, I stopped acting the part. This was 4th-5th grade. Had a lot of teasing then, kids through around fag, faggot, gay, etc a lot. Kind of like I had a strange form of cooties. Of course, come the time between 5th and 6th grade Bob shows up and thus starts the forming of my turtle shell.
The next progress I made with myself wasn't until a few months living in RB. And a very solitary few months they were. I was having a lot of depression and anxiety from no specific place I could tell. Met Telan and her group, the tried to draw me out. And did, kind of. After about a year of just being dummed down and depressed, I started remembering and realizing what it was that was upsetting me. And during that time I spent a very long week in my room writing in my livejournal and being extra emo, I'm sure. (It was Spring Break.. fun way to spend it, eh?)
The issue that has plagued me in various force all my life is an unsettled, sickening one. One that tells me who I really am. And it was telling me that I was hiding myself. It seems the longer I stuck these feelings under my pillow the harder and faster the surfaced. After that week and realizing it, I was still unsure and hid it again for a few months.. Of course, they came back.. And I've since accepted them and worked with myself to understand exactly what the heck I can do. I was faced with two choice; Accept it or reject it. Very simple. The implications for either are not few.
If I accept it.. what does that mean? Living a life as a person so many people would view as a freak or odditity and someone to avoid. Be shuned by a lot of people, possibly attacked, be harassed. Not to mention the sheer stress of transition itself. This has not been easy on me. It's been Hell. If I could choose to have avoided all this by being a normal guy, I would have. But ah-hah, I cannot; There are no such easy choices- and like hell there's an easy way out of this. The one thing that I crave.. isn't fame or wealth or even to be beautiful, really. I just want to be accepted for who I am. (Although, the more shallow side of me wants to be pretty.. I feel oh so ugly..)
If I reject it, pretend as if it never happened. Well, I tried that. It turned out to be a stopped up boiler. But, if I did choose to lock it away forever.. I would be faced with it haunting the back of my mind and my underlying thoughts my whole life. As it had so far. Not to mention the extreme depression from no explicable souce until I acknowledged those feelings. It did not take me long to see that rejecting it would only mean a more difficult life than accepting it.
And, really, having to go through all this? It's taught me a great deal. Far more than I would know by being "normal", in many ways it's beneficial to who I am as a person. And I've also learned a lot about others.. Not all good, but I've learned ways to avoid the bad.
Well.. That's quite a lot, I think.. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I've been meaning to write about this for a couple weeks but I've been avoiding it because it still seemed a bit garbled in my head.
~Savannah~
