Posted this in my journal, I think maybe some of you might like to read it.

[bilijana.livejournal.com]

Some of it may seem obvious, some of it won't. The second is much, much shorter than the first. Either way, enjoy, I guess



I am not the man I was a week ago
For today I am perhaps myself but nothing more
Back then I could stand and be proud, not so small
Not not anymore for it's difficult to get hard
Why that is, I neeed to know soon
Do I want to be known with boobs and skirts and dressers and fancy panties
Are they adventures taken too far, pereverted fantasies?
It seems I'm unsure of all and that is all I know
I can hope that one day my fear will be less
As I start to acquire a wardrobe more suited for what fits me best
I fear stree is not depleated with my head all over everywhere
What would I tell my family that are way over there?
Hey last time you saw me I was 3 foot 2
"Oh my look hwo you're grown!"
Is this too much cleavage to be showing?
Soemtimes I want it and I need it and other times I need it so much more
Feel like a whore and sometimes I wish I was
Why's it a war and not a treaty please butlet me decide
One or the other not this that and then switch back as I please
It's easy to say go get help but get help and shit gets so much more complex
My mind is a flux that flows hoever it likes, one day this, another that
I should just be 'it' but the option cannot it ticked
The system's jipped and for this I scream at myself
'Whats's wrong with you, behold your great tool, serves us all well'
And then I get not so well as I debate with myself about which half is right
When I realize both halves are right and wrong
Seperation needs to be gone coz goddamn I'm always gonna be sitin' on the line
Why can't I just be fine, why aren't I fine?
Mind's working fuckin' over-time and it's startin' to show, I lose myself
Angry and pissed off coz of some stupid shit
It's not worth the fight but I'll scream anyway just to know I still can
Then somebody yells back and I knew they could've so maybe I shouldnt've
But that's i nthe past like a grnade explodes it's gone
Not to worry son, God is with you now to show you what you cannot become
Close those eyes and forget the past, all you need is rest
You do not understand that I am simply a man
A man with a little more than expected in his plans
I do not understand stand where, who or what I am
Just fortunatley I do have a mate and because of this I'm saved
It's pretty fuckin' great except you could say that it truley infuriates
Me that she's so far away
And I'm fuckin' crazy coz I've got nothin' to lose with everything at stake
This is my life, in it I feel like a stranger standing by
Casually watching as everything I know dies
I don't wanna know you, I just can't handle anymore
I can't handle myself





Paper is to book as ink is to pen
My pants are to me what ice cream is to cold steam
Laces are to shoes like my lust is to confuse
The way my mind works is when an egg needs to be scrambled
Sense is to christmas as my gender is to rambling
Music is to ear as love is to me
Gender's like lube where I'm sure missing some
Living's to breathe as I am to Billie
Which way it goes, nobody knows
Monday's to Friday what Saturdays to someday
I dont' even know if I like standing using the wizzer
Here I must quote an old geezer
"Mann Gegen Mann" means war with oneself
Which side wins?
It's yet to be told



That's basically it.

I love you Cait.

Billie.