(no subject)

[princesstanya.livejournal.com]

Crossposted to mtf and my own journal

Last August I told my wife that I am transgendered. We were supposed to move to across the country a week later but I didn't want her to commit to such a thing without telling her everything about myself. After I told her, I still moved away, but she stayed behind. Now, next month I am supposed to move back to where she is. She wants to get therapy and work things out with me, but hasn't really told me what she means by that. I am scared that she wants things to just go back to the way they used to be before she knew, even though I am now pretty much out of the closet as trans and I don't want to go back into hiding. I have written a letter telling her how I feel. I am posting it here so that I can maybe get some feedback. Does anyone have any suggestions on things I should add or take out? Thank you.


I am really scared to write this. I honestly do love you very much and the thought of you leaving terrifies me, but I need to be true to my heart too. Both of us deserve that.

I have written this because I'm wondering about your expectations of me once I'm back in Oregon. You've talked about wanting to go through therapy together but you haven't said what you hope to achieve with that therapy. I didn't ask to be transgendered but it's a part of who I am. Even if there was a way to turn off that part of me, it would make me a different person. That's not the way therapy works though. Therapy can help us accept who we are but it is not a cure. It won't make me accept being a man and I am worried that is what you are expecting.

I have grown since I've been down here. For one thing I have grown spiritually. I have become much more accepting of other teachings and look forward to finding a church where we can attend together. Even more than spiritual growth though has been personal growth. For the first time in my life I have looked deep within my soul and accepted myself unconditionally. Things I have been struggling with my whole life are no longer holding me down and it feels like a great weight has been lifted. Rose has told me that, even though my mother has just died and I have been away from my wife for months, that she's never seen me as happy as I am now. I'm happy because for the first time in my life I am not feeling the pressure to hide a part of who I am. Now there's just one thing missing, I just wish you were here to see it.

Though I miss you very much, I'm scared of your reaction when you see me again. I'm scared that you are going to try to turn me back into a "normal" guy. While that person was me, it was me hiding behind a mask. I don't want to hide anymore. Just as I have accepted myself, I want others to accept me for who I am. Right now I am scared and confused because I feel like I only have two choices. I can either hide a big piece of who I am and be with the woman I love, or I can be free to be myself but lose the one I love. Can't there be a third choice? Can't I be true to my heart and still be with you? I love you. I want us to have kids and grow old together. I want to be your husband but still be free to be myself. I really don't feel like that is too much to ask.

You might think it's weird that I like to feel pretty, but if wearing nailpolish at home or growing my hair long makes me happy, then I hope that you can accept it and just be happy because I am happy. Please don't be afraid. I'm not going to do things to embarass either of us. I have told you before that I do not want to do things that would draw attention to me in public and I mean that. I can live with just being myself in my own home, away from prying eyes, but I don't want to hide from you anymore. Not from the woman I love. I want to share all of who I am with you. I'm not asking you to treat me like a woman or to call me a different name. I do not expect you to do anything that you aren't comfortable with. I am simply asking you to accept me for who I am and not try to change me or force me to hide.