help me please.

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I dont know who I am... I am 19 years old, and I guess im at some sort of crossroads in my life.

I was born male. when I was 13 I fell in love with my neighbor the girl who lived next door, whom I had known since I was 5. when we were younger, she and I were just always friends, but when she was 13 She was a Lesbian, but our love kinda just came from our general caring for each other. And it was great. A little ways into our relationship however she realised that she prefferred girls, and rather than end it, she went about slowly feminizing me. About a year later, I was completely mentally female. And I was basicly fully prepared to have my sex changed when I turned 18. Shortly after this, she moved away. We kept our relationship alive over the internet, but after awhile things just collapsed. A year later, I was realatively back to myself exactly as I was before we started dating. And everything was fine. though as time dragged on I kept going into these regressed phases, where I'd see myself as Female, and think like a Girl again. This fluxated on and off for many years. Ive never publicly cross dressed, but have to myself a few times. I do have a very girlish figure, and semi girlish face aside from the facial hair. and my hair is pretty long.

But Im not sure what I want, I think I would really like to be a girl right now, but at the same time, once I turn 60 Id much rather prefer to be an Old man.
And my Family is very cruel, Im very sure if I turned into a girl no one would forgive me except maybe my mom.

Basicly now theres this girl Im seeing, and things are going ok, I feel like shes the one and I could marry her and be normal and all. But at the same time, I feel like, if we broke up, Id probaly completely give up on being a guy once and for all. Move somewhere else, and start anew. On another note, I really would like to see my Old girlfriend again one last time, but she lives on the other side of the country now.

What the hell should I do...