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transHello, This is my first time posting to any kind of transgender discussion board.
I'm afraid I... don't even know what I am. Too many years not even being in touch with myself, I think. I'm only just starting now to really dig deep down inside me and find out who I am.
I've just created this LJ profile so I didn't have to use my main one. I'm fearful of my friends discovering this aspect of me at this point. I am a male, 28 years old, and up until recently I probably only considered myself a fetishist and a closet crossdresser.
But, it certainly isn't uncommon for me to be in denile about myself. It's happened before.
I just recently took the COGIATI test out of curiosity. I took it a couple times actually. The results are always the same, ANDROGYNE inner identity. I actually found this a bit shocking. Up until now, I've never considered myself to be androgynous. Never crossed my mind at all. But the more I think about it, the more the shoe fits...
I've never particularly seen myself as overly feminine or anything. But I'm certainly not stereotypical masculine either. Physically, I have a very slim build for a guy. Slender arms and fingers. I've actually always liked this about myself for some reason, even though when in a large group of guys, I admit I find I get a bit self conscious about it. Yet, when my mother makes a approving comment about some physical masculine feature of mine, it makes me uncomfortable. Socially, I've never identified with either men or women very well. I've "felt" like an outsider to all. I've also always felt like I could never truely be myself, even if I didn't really know what that is. I've also have had long hairstyles for years. I can't really say why, just the idea of having short hair makes me uncomfortable... much to the detriment of my aforementioned mother.
Recently, the more I think about it, I find that I like the idea of having either more feminine features or being able to express certain feminine aspects more. In a perfect ideal world, I could see myself embracing my masculine and feminine sides equally. I know a lot of androgynous people consider themselves being neither male or female... but a 3rd gender. But I kind of see my inner self not being "neither" but "both." Maybe that's just splitting hairs, maybe being both automatically makes it neither. I don't know.
I like women's clothing. They just seem nicer, more creative & interesting, and comfortable. I've even spent a lot of time thinking about having breasts lately. Actually, for years, I've had a few dreams where I had female breasts, yet I wasn't really a true woman in them.
I know sexual preference and gender identity do not directly correlate, but I feel I should mention I am attracted to women and don't wish that I didn't have a penis. Not in the usual "woman trapped in a man's body" way anyway. I guess I have a interesting qwirk in that I am rather turned off by genitalia of any kind, male or female. I'm not very fond of standard sexual intercorse at all, although I do enjoy my fetishes and I still love the idea of getting closely intimate with someone.
The frustrating part is that I live in a very rural midwest area, so I am not going to just suddenly come out and openly express what I feel is inside of me. After leaving graduate school, I have since come back home and live with my parents in the family home for the financial benefits. I find that I'm very frightened of the idea of having them know these aspects of me... I know they love me, a lot in fact. But that love even creates it's own pressure to be the son they always wanted. I really don't want to ever hurt them. And if between them and rural life I have to stay all bundled up inside, then perhaps its better if I just keep pushing it all deep down and try to just live on with daily life as I am.
Am I just mixed up in the head? Am I androgynous? Am I something else entirely? I really don't know. I guess I just really needed to get this off my chest and this seemed like the perfect outlet.
Thank you,
Mixxi (the mixed up person)
I'm afraid I... don't even know what I am. Too many years not even being in touch with myself, I think. I'm only just starting now to really dig deep down inside me and find out who I am.
I've just created this LJ profile so I didn't have to use my main one. I'm fearful of my friends discovering this aspect of me at this point. I am a male, 28 years old, and up until recently I probably only considered myself a fetishist and a closet crossdresser.
But, it certainly isn't uncommon for me to be in denile about myself. It's happened before.
I just recently took the COGIATI test out of curiosity. I took it a couple times actually. The results are always the same, ANDROGYNE inner identity. I actually found this a bit shocking. Up until now, I've never considered myself to be androgynous. Never crossed my mind at all. But the more I think about it, the more the shoe fits...
I've never particularly seen myself as overly feminine or anything. But I'm certainly not stereotypical masculine either. Physically, I have a very slim build for a guy. Slender arms and fingers. I've actually always liked this about myself for some reason, even though when in a large group of guys, I admit I find I get a bit self conscious about it. Yet, when my mother makes a approving comment about some physical masculine feature of mine, it makes me uncomfortable. Socially, I've never identified with either men or women very well. I've "felt" like an outsider to all. I've also always felt like I could never truely be myself, even if I didn't really know what that is. I've also have had long hairstyles for years. I can't really say why, just the idea of having short hair makes me uncomfortable... much to the detriment of my aforementioned mother.
Recently, the more I think about it, I find that I like the idea of having either more feminine features or being able to express certain feminine aspects more. In a perfect ideal world, I could see myself embracing my masculine and feminine sides equally. I know a lot of androgynous people consider themselves being neither male or female... but a 3rd gender. But I kind of see my inner self not being "neither" but "both." Maybe that's just splitting hairs, maybe being both automatically makes it neither. I don't know.
I like women's clothing. They just seem nicer, more creative & interesting, and comfortable. I've even spent a lot of time thinking about having breasts lately. Actually, for years, I've had a few dreams where I had female breasts, yet I wasn't really a true woman in them.
I know sexual preference and gender identity do not directly correlate, but I feel I should mention I am attracted to women and don't wish that I didn't have a penis. Not in the usual "woman trapped in a man's body" way anyway. I guess I have a interesting qwirk in that I am rather turned off by genitalia of any kind, male or female. I'm not very fond of standard sexual intercorse at all, although I do enjoy my fetishes and I still love the idea of getting closely intimate with someone.
The frustrating part is that I live in a very rural midwest area, so I am not going to just suddenly come out and openly express what I feel is inside of me. After leaving graduate school, I have since come back home and live with my parents in the family home for the financial benefits. I find that I'm very frightened of the idea of having them know these aspects of me... I know they love me, a lot in fact. But that love even creates it's own pressure to be the son they always wanted. I really don't want to ever hurt them. And if between them and rural life I have to stay all bundled up inside, then perhaps its better if I just keep pushing it all deep down and try to just live on with daily life as I am.
Am I just mixed up in the head? Am I androgynous? Am I something else entirely? I really don't know. I guess I just really needed to get this off my chest and this seemed like the perfect outlet.
Thank you,
Mixxi (the mixed up person)