(no subject)

[snugglebitch.livejournal.com]

So, I realized I've been reading and commenting on several people's posts here and never actually introduced myself. As I realized I had a request to make of the community, I figured now would be as good a time as any.

I'm twenty-one years old and living in New York State...

I'm male bodied. When I was little I played with both Barbies and Tonka trucks, I broke into my mom's makeup, I hated sports, but none of it meant anything because, well for me at least, I wasn't really aware of my gender one way or the other. I was just a little kid. I first started to realize I was having gender issues when puberty hit, and I started getting things I really didn't want (though til that point I didn't really know I didn't want them). Even at that point, though, I didn't realize that this was what it meant to be transgender. I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and my parents home-schooled me and my siblings. My only information about transgender people was the occassional glimpses of "Jerry Springer" (probably the worst source of information about, well, anything) so I didn't identify what I was going through with what transgender people go through until I got to college.

That was three years ago. Since then I've been exploring myself, trying to figure out who I am. It started with just dressing up, but since then I've admitted to myself that I'd be much happier if the world saw me for the woman I feel I am, I know I am. I'd like to... No, sometimes it feels like I need to transition physically, though I know I won't be in a position financially to do so for some time.

Coming out to myself was hard enough, coming out to my parents has been terrible. Technically I've done so twice already. The first time was a year ago when out of the blue my mom asked me why I don't like being a man. I don't know for sure what tipped her off. I'd been shaving my legs at that point, but it seems like an extreme jump from that to the talk about being a transsexual that she was giving me. Anyway, that conversation took me so off guard that I was only able to half articulate my feelings before I was in tears. Since then she's pretty much ignored the fact that we had the convrsation, though she did send my dad to talk to me about some things that happened in my childhood that she thinks caused it to happen. It happened again a few months ago. I told her I can't stand being a boy, and she talked like she was being supportive, but only supportive of "It's okay to be a 'feminine man'. It's okay to be 'in touch with your feminine side.'" Again she was being so ignorant and so frustrating I wound up in tears before the end of the conversation.

I've also had to tell them that I'm leaving their religion. This has resulted in several threats to disown me. I've moved out, I have an apartment that I'm paying for with college loans, and I live with my partner (who's been more supportive than anyone I could've asked for, and I probably wouldn't be able to do any of this without her). Still they call and try to get me to come to meetings with them, and they still get furious and emotionally manipulative (which, as aware as I am that it's happening, I still fall for nearly every time) when I tell them I'm not interested.

So, I didn't want to just ramble about my story, but I also had a request. Obviously I've had a difficult time coming out, and I need some help. At this point I know I'm not going to make it through another conversation, and have been trying for the past few months to compose a letter that will give them everything I'm feeling. I know no one else can tell them what I'm going through, but I thought it would be helpful to give my mom links to a website about transgender information. Something concise but accurate that I could use so I don't muddy my point too much. Maybe something geared for parents of trans youth. Does anyone know of someplace I could get such information?

Thank you so much for your time...