Meme from Max_bialystock

[stacis-leak.livejournal.com]

---So how did this all start and how did you end up here?

It's a very strange background actually. As a child I was a strange mixture of acceptance and denial. There were lots of stereotypically femenine things I really liked.
I enjoyed needlework and attempted to learn to knit (I didn't have the attention span for knitting though), I used to watch adverts for sylvanian families longingly and all my imaginary friends and TV role models were female.
But at the same time I tried my best to act as male as possible. I don't know if it was out of fear at looking bizarre or because I felt belittled by my parents reactions to me doing anything cute, but from an astoundingly early age I refused to watch things like the Care Bears in fear of looking too wimpy.

I suppose being bullied at school just compounded things and on some level I've always associated a false facade of masculinity with confidence. It was sort of visible on some level when I did any kind of performance, I sort of magnified it all, concentrating the essence of the personality I project, that's why in private Chris is the one who's really in charge in Dragster but on stage I sort of dominate him because that side of me is more prevalent while the rest hides away. It's easy to look confident when you're being someone else.

I've always known I hated being male, the stereotypes I was expected to fill, and I was fascinated with transsexual women for years, wishing it was possible to really become a woman. Of course I didn't realise at the time that it was, I made the classic uneducated mistake of thinking that they were men with an extreme fetish and they went back to work as men after getting their jollies.

In short I was a bloody idiot.

What it took to make me realise it was more than that was an online friend of mine dating a trans man and having the time to actually rant at me about what transition was really about. That night I came around to the fact that this was something I had to do.

---What is your plan to transition?

I used to think I'd do it all in private, by private means, making sure the world couldn't see my monsterous transformation until I emerged glamorous and beautiful. I dunno, perhaps too many fairytales as a kid addled my brain.
Fact is I'm going to continue doing temp work throughout my transition. It'll basically allow me to test my durability of coming into contact with lots of strangers, something I currently don't feel comfortable about when I'm out as myself (an ocurrence which mostly happens at weekends).

The theory is that I can build up a wealth of experience and a workplace which is comfortable with my transitioning on the job will offer me a permanent contract.

The only prerequisite I have is that I want laser hair removal first, which I'm going to hopefully be able to afford very soon. My reasoning for this is that my stubble is very dark and dense even right after shaving and my skin breaks up and goes scabby if I try to shave more frequently than every 3 days.

I'm going through the NHS because of three things. Firstly it's free, or if the wind changes, still much cheaper than private. Secondly, my doctors require complete transparency about what's going on with me medically. The first person I told about my desire to transition was actually my heart specialist, because I wanted to know what was and wasn't possible with my condition.
But mostly because it's a braver option... I've spent too long in a safe little shell, I want to thicken my skin by doing some RLT. A trans friend of mine said that no matter what anyone tells you, no one passes 100% of the time. No one. Even genetic women get mistaken for men sometimes. If I went the private way and got all this treatment to try and look like a model before even stepping out and such, I would have no defences what so ever against the first jerk who decides to open their stupid trap.
My theory is that by making it hard, the NHS puts people through the worst parts first, and basically gives transsexuals the burn-in test of their gender roles.

The only thing really stopping me now (other than the stubble thing, which I could probably workaround with insanely thick makeup) is the fact that I want a letter to shove into the face of my parents, employers, or anyone who tells me I'm being stupid or inappropriate. Something official to tell them that it's real and they should either support me or just let me get on with it.

---Are you aware that many transsexuals never live a "normal" female life and end up involved with other trans people and in the trans community for the duration of their lives?

Newsflash: I wouldn't have lived a 'normal' male life either. I'm a nerd, that immediately cuts me off from a large percentage of the population. I want to become an artist, so I'm vain, pretentious and won't shut up. I'm 24 and my hobbies are crochet and writing folk songs.

Besides I don't spend enough time with my trans friends. I feel sort of disconnected and ashamed around them because I'm the only one still presenting as male at all.

---If you pass perfectly in 3 years, will you tell others about your past?

Selectively.

I have done many things in my past that I am particularly proud of and made many friends in the past whom I have no intention of leaving behind. I know that they're all super conscious of using new pronouns and my new name but I also know that accidents happen. The fewer people who know the better but if it comes out or becomes relevant I'll own up.

The only people I don't want to know are the jackasses who'd harass me for it (the same sorts of people whom in my childhood told me I as a total girl will rise up against me for agreeing with them, go figure) and frankly I don't expect to socialise with those sorts of people anyway.

---Why do you want to transition?

Everything I've wanted in life I've ignored. Perhaps not everything, I did buy a guitar, and a hamster, and the futurama box set. Let me rephrase that.
Everything I've wanted to DO with my life I've ignored. I wanted to be an artist or a writer, but I totally wasted my youth studying engineering and computers. It just seemed impossible that I could actually have the life I wanted.
My gender is another thing which I thought was impossible to change and since buying my first dress I have never wanted to go back. If I transition and go fulltime, I'll never have to.

---What is your sexual orientation and how does your changing your gender effect that?

Well I'm mostly bi I think but I only ever got hit on by guys who didn't do it for me, and the one guy I made a pass at was a best friend of mine who had this big speech about not being gay and we 'drifted apart' soon after, so I've only ever dated women.
I guess after my transition that'll make me a bicurious lesbian.
I don't really have any plans to play the field or anything. I'm happy staying with Becca but if something happens to split us up, I don't expect to ever be particularly beautiful or even pass well enough to get a date from a straight guy so I guess my best bet for sraight sex would be chasers or gay guys who want to experiment with a grey area...

---What will you do about employment? Do you plan to transition at work?

Hopefully my agency will still pimp me as tech support after my transition. Failing that I live near a call cantre that will hire anyone. I mean who cares if I look like a bearded sack of spuds in a skirt and blouse so long as I sound okay on the phones right?

Plus when my voice gets passable It'll be great for practice.

---Are out to your friends and family? How are they reacting to your decision?

Hmm. That old chestnut.
I am out to my parents although you wouldn't think so. I don't dress or act female around them and even though they know my female name they won't call me it or acknowledge it.

My brother on the other hand has been nothing but supportive and has only slipped on pronouns once and never slipped on the name. He even calls me Sis.

My gran, and none of my other extended family even know. Frankly I hate having to tell people because of that sort of weird feeling in the gut moment when you're not sure how they'll react. I have no problem with my whole family knowing about my transition I just don't want to have to tell them. I mean christ does no one gossip anymore?

I've told virtually every friend I've got about my transition and I've only had one bad reaction so far... and she lives in china so fuck her.

---What is your goal? After you go full-time will you pursue other surgeries?

My goal is to start doing what I want with my life instead of what people tell me to. I know that sounds a little vague but transition itself isn't really a destination, it's more of a step along the way to becoming Stacy Smith : World Renound Artist Writer and Musician.

I'm definately going to be fulltime long before any surgery so yes, I'm going to seek the all important genital reassignment. My main reason for this is partly because it'd be a constant reminder, and partly because I know no one likes to admit it but tucking hurts, and often fails (for me at least., you don't want to know the list of swellings and such I have in my scrotum). In a big solid heavy ruffled skirt it's hard to see a testicle escaping, but what if I wanted to go to the beach or swimming or wanted to powerdress in a nice pair of form fitting trousers and a lump was fairly obvious?
Also, personally I think the ugliest sight in the world is an erection showing through a skirt. I've been there and never want to revisit that particular territory.

I used to think that I'd want FFS and vocal cord stretching and everything but I sort of want to be able to still recognise myself at the end of it.

I don't associate my entire being with a male identity, my main reason for transitioning is that I associate very little of myself with a male identity. It'd be foolish to just try and become a completely different person. I like the person.

Given the option of having some sort of brain swap for a completely original female body I'd leap at it, but only because of the functionality, but I'd be sort of freaked out at looking completely different. If I chase after losing every last scrap of myself I'll never be happy. I just want to look like a female me, and many people think I already do. I'm hoping hormones will add the finishing touch.



Discussion as always is welcome. What do people think a gender counseller would make of these answers?