6 month retrospective.

[soquili-gitli.livejournal.com]

So, as of today, it's been six full months since I started on estrogen. .5mg at first, doubling each month until last at which point I hit my steady dose of 6mg. In that time, well, a lot has happened. I've found a good chunk of the calm that I was really looking for, but also found a good amount of passion as well. From a purely physical standpoint, well, let's throw out some photos.

The first two are from January or February of this year.

http://www.fur.com/~mdh/me/archival/IMG_1052.JPG

http://www.fur.com/~mdh/me/archival/IMG_1139.JPG

And then, there's these two, which are from either last month or this month.

http://www.fur.com/~mdh/me/IMG_1321.JPG

http://www.fur.com/~mdh/me/IMG_1306.JPG

For purposes of full-disclosure, I'll add that the current ones are also after two sessions of laser hair removal (Lightsheer, administered by Berman Skin Institute in Palo Alto). Fairly drastic changes, neh?

I haven't actually been measured recently as far as my breasts go, but I can definitely say that they're there. Pronounced. Judged most recently to warrant a Tanner 2 from my endocrinologist. And they didn't go away when I lost 50 pounds this spring, which definitely precludes the possibility of remnants from 'boy-tits'.

My upper body strength is a pale shadow of what it once was. When I first pulled my Girlfriend's collar on to my right arm, it fit comfortably on the bicep. Now, it's constantly sliding off and will go all the way up to my shoulder. I've been working out a bit, intermittently as my energy levels and time allow, to try and head a bit of this off before I find myself completely helpless. But that's been pretty futile apparently.

My hips are definitely there too, now. I can feel a bit of bounce when I jog up a flight of stairs.

Body hair regrowth spikes and ebbs seemingly erratically, there are times when I can go a week between shaving my legs, other times it's 3 days at most.

Complexion and skin tone are drastically different. Softer, less oily and generally just smoother.

Sense of smell has jacked up to nearly ridiculous levels. I can now smell things I previously couldn't at all. And things I could smell before I can now smell from a greater distance. This has had a few drawbacks, namely that I can barely tolerate the smell of unwashed male, nor of male urine. And I live with three boys. *shrugs* It also REALLY sucks when I walk past a perfume counter, I'm almost always a bit queasy by the time I can breathe normally again.

And, last that I can easily relate. My spatial perception has been changing. It started out as me noticing that I was clipping curbs more often, I just didn't notice them, or mis-estimated their correct position during a turn. But then I noticed that I had to change my following distance while driving, or things would sneak up on me. And then, well, I clipped a column in a parking garage and tore up the passenger rear door on my car. That was the clarion call of "Hey, pay more attention". And so, I'm currently retraining myself how to drive properly as a woman. Greater following distances, including the textbook 3+ second 3+ car-length rule. More consistent blind-spot checking. And a hasty retraining on NOT accelerating when I'm not looking forward, I'm finally getting the hang of taking my foot off the gas completely before turning away for even a second.

From a psychological standpoint, well, that's a bit more complicated. I'll admit to expecting the textbook PMS bitchiness, which I honestly never got until after changing my dose at the end of May. I'm still currently in the midst of adapting to that, still having some PMS-ish symptoms. But, overall, it's been tranquil. My emotions are my own, within my control and understanding for possibly the first time in my entire life. There is peace.

But there is also the chaos that is GID. In some ways, it's gotten infinitely better. I feel more feminine, and therefore, I feel that I can relax more and not be read. I have a great deal of confidence in my ability to pass the majority of the time. But then, there is the fact that I'm in this halfway place. I AM the monster that other people expect when they hear that I'm pre-op. I'm neither female nor male, neither fish nor fowl. I've got the decent beginnings of a feminine form, but I've also got male anatomy between my legs.

I've said, and I still believe, that I don't abhor my genitalia. But at the same time, it's a variable discomfort to me, ranging from "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?" to "Oh, that. Yeah." I can deal with it currently on the basis that it is functional and that it is still a source of some physical pleasure. But, there are definitely times where I can feel myself reacting with arousal to something and feel that old (read: pre-clue) sensation of hatred for that. Years ago, long before I'd put all of this together, I would 'hide it' when it started to get aroused when I didn't want it to. And I rarely wanted it to. I would just tuck it back and try desperately to ignore it. Yeah, you'd think I'd've noticed that. But I didn't. *shrugs*

Overall, I'm more stable. More happy. More alive than I have ever been. While all hell breaks loose in various aspects of my life, I'm able to walk through the storms with reasonable calm and composure. I don't think there's any hyperbole in my stating that Danyial would not have survived the shit that I'm going through. The person I was was too unstable, too filled with rage and hatred. And he would have probably offed himself. From an oddly morbid point of view, I can't say that I'd blame him. But that's not my way. I won't give up, I won't give in, and I'm just beginning to live so why the fuck would I want to die?

With the last month or so of transition, there's been a shift in my sexuality. The less context I have with males, the less interest I have in them. Socially, sexually, etc. It's not that I'm developing any misandry, at least I don't think I am. But at the same time, I know what I'm attracted to, and that's girls. All shapes, sizes, colors and body-types. But the moment my eyes click over a boy, that's just what they do. Click over. Next target.

In short, life goes on. Lots of things are changing, but the majority of them are for the better. And I wouldn't trade any of the bad for all of the good. It's all part and parcel of the experience of being me.


Mikhaila

[X-posted to mtf and transgender]