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Jun. 20th, 2006 09:07 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
serendipitygirl.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transA bit uneven, but that's because I did this at work.
(cross posted to my own lj)
So how did this all start and how did you end up here?
Shall I spare you the childhood descriptor? You've either heard it or know it by heart I expect. Suffice to say that it was well into ... *thinks* third or fourth grade before I realized I actively had to hide it. *le sigh* As time went on, it wound up getting tangled up with lots of other things I was suppressing (an attraction to boys for one thing).
The first time I really grasped that this was what was happening was when I was about nineteen or so. It coincided (well, not really, but see below) with my recognition that I was *not* heterosexual (well, as I then defined it). That I also had someone in my life who not only knew about this by this point, but was fine with it, made things faaaaar better.
Mind, at that time, somehow (and it seems bizare to me now) I didn't quite grok that there was a way ... "out" - to actually affect change. I managed to get some measure of release by "cross"dressing - but that ultimately was a very limited thing. Especially as I spent some years thinking it was pro'lly just a kink. Well, I was wrong about that.
Ultimately, it took meeting another girl like myself to realize that there *was* a way to affect change, but that was many years later. (Just before moving to Austin, actually). Around 1996 or so, I was again (trying) to move forward on this. Initially, I thought I was doing rather well, becoming more comfortable with this aspect of my identity (tho not deconstructing the artificial one that was already in place, go figure). I was, for a while, in a very good place.
Shortly after moving back up to Dallas, well, that died on the vine; a number of reasons; most of which do not directly pertain to this - tho clearly, a deep and abiding fear of undertaking this was underlying.
Time passed. For a number of years this, as with other things, got pushed down further and further out of my consciousnes. This was a pretty bleak period. And it went on for a while. Eventually it led to a wacky period wherein I *tried* to be some sort of Uber-male. Wow...that sucked. It also blew up in my face. (( which really shouldn't suprise anyone ))
Sometime mid 2002 (shortly after the above) it began to stir. Within a year it was pushing itself to the surface, complicating an already messed up situation. I wound up having to sit on it for a while longer...until late summer of 2004. Then, well, it was coming out, hell or high water.
On November 18, 2004 I had what is best described as a total uber meltdown. That's pretty much what led me here. Thankfully.
What is your plan to transition? Are you aware that many transsexuals never live a "normal" female life and end up involved with other trans people and in the trans community for the duration of their lives?
*blinks* Normal? Never heard of it. I mean really, have you seen what all else I get up to? *laughs*
Mind, post op (in all honesty) I will pro'lly (only pr'lly because until I get there I can't really know) identify as female, as opposed to trans. If anyone *needs* to know otherwise, they will. (see below) OTOH, that doesn't mean I'll seperate myself from *any* community (any more than I have now. That's ... kind of stupid).
By the same token, I'm head over heels in love with another girl like myself. Clearly, I don't have any issues with that........der.
If you pass perfectly in 3 years, will you tell others about your past?
If it's any of their business yes. If. Keep in mind that 99.999% of the world population is *not* on the "it's their business list". I have no intention of residing in the closet ever again - but by the same token I don't feel some implicit need to tell everyone. *shakes head* I just don't get that last bit.
Why do you want to transition?
This is a silly question. Because I'm Female Damnit. Really. That's what it all boils down to in the end.
What is your sexual orientation and how does your changing your gender effect that?
Hee. This is a tricky and/or complicated one. When I first came to accept that I was the way I was, it was wrapped up in my realization that I was bisexual. Or rather, so it seemed. I spent a looooong time trying, and for the most part, faililng, to seperate sex from gender. Only in the last two years have I really had any success on that front.
Since starting transition, I have steadfastedly identified as bi/pan/sapio -sexual. Over the last few months, however, my Kinsey rating has been slowly drifting from around a 3 to ... somewhere in the range of a 5. I do *not* (at this point) think it will stay there, but that's definitely where I'm heading at the moment. (to add a bit of context, last fall the pendulum swung *vastly* in the other direction - this past spring has seen it level out to this point.)
What will you do about employment? Do you plan to transition at work?
Well, it's that or not work isn't it? Where I'm working now has full job protection for that sort of thing - literally. Unfortunately, I'm a contractor and not a full time permanent employee. Yes, becoming a permanent employee is priority one.
If that doesn't happen, honestly, I'm not sure what I'll do following. Pro'lly go a bit more stealth (....argh) and look for something else, likely under the maxim of max. cash in minimum amount of time. Clearly, nothing that doesn't afford some level of such protection, by definition, cannot be permanent for me.
Are out to your friends and family? How are they reacting to your decision?
Obviously. The only sectors of my life that are at all in the dark would be
a) work
b) those wierd biofamily peoples (well, okay, the Torg, and members of the extended family that I've not spoken to in nary a decade. Mom's known for a while now. She does *not* know that I'm moving forward on this, but then, having only spoken to her once in the past 18 months makes that difficult)
Obviously, neither of these situations are tenable. The first is, at the moment, somewhat nessecary (see above). The other one, is - honestly - kind of a nonissue. They'll find out. Sooner or later. But I've bigger fish to fry. (Considering that they've never even *met* their granddaughter, yeah, this is standing in line as issues go)
What is your goal? After you go full-time will you pursue other surgeries?
Well, yeah. To me, anyway, that is the whole point of the excercise. Mind, I have *zero* idea under present circumstances when the hell I'll be able to afford SRS. One way or the other, I mean to have it done by (latest) 2010. I've waited all my life and patience is *not* my strong point but I'm standing fast.
(cross posted to my own lj)
So how did this all start and how did you end up here?
Shall I spare you the childhood descriptor? You've either heard it or know it by heart I expect. Suffice to say that it was well into ... *thinks* third or fourth grade before I realized I actively had to hide it. *le sigh* As time went on, it wound up getting tangled up with lots of other things I was suppressing (an attraction to boys for one thing).
The first time I really grasped that this was what was happening was when I was about nineteen or so. It coincided (well, not really, but see below) with my recognition that I was *not* heterosexual (well, as I then defined it). That I also had someone in my life who not only knew about this by this point, but was fine with it, made things faaaaar better.
Mind, at that time, somehow (and it seems bizare to me now) I didn't quite grok that there was a way ... "out" - to actually affect change. I managed to get some measure of release by "cross"dressing - but that ultimately was a very limited thing. Especially as I spent some years thinking it was pro'lly just a kink. Well, I was wrong about that.
Ultimately, it took meeting another girl like myself to realize that there *was* a way to affect change, but that was many years later. (Just before moving to Austin, actually). Around 1996 or so, I was again (trying) to move forward on this. Initially, I thought I was doing rather well, becoming more comfortable with this aspect of my identity (tho not deconstructing the artificial one that was already in place, go figure). I was, for a while, in a very good place.
Shortly after moving back up to Dallas, well, that died on the vine; a number of reasons; most of which do not directly pertain to this - tho clearly, a deep and abiding fear of undertaking this was underlying.
Time passed. For a number of years this, as with other things, got pushed down further and further out of my consciousnes. This was a pretty bleak period. And it went on for a while. Eventually it led to a wacky period wherein I *tried* to be some sort of Uber-male. Wow...that sucked. It also blew up in my face. (( which really shouldn't suprise anyone ))
Sometime mid 2002 (shortly after the above) it began to stir. Within a year it was pushing itself to the surface, complicating an already messed up situation. I wound up having to sit on it for a while longer...until late summer of 2004. Then, well, it was coming out, hell or high water.
On November 18, 2004 I had what is best described as a total uber meltdown. That's pretty much what led me here. Thankfully.
What is your plan to transition? Are you aware that many transsexuals never live a "normal" female life and end up involved with other trans people and in the trans community for the duration of their lives?
*blinks* Normal? Never heard of it. I mean really, have you seen what all else I get up to? *laughs*
Mind, post op (in all honesty) I will pro'lly (only pr'lly because until I get there I can't really know) identify as female, as opposed to trans. If anyone *needs* to know otherwise, they will. (see below) OTOH, that doesn't mean I'll seperate myself from *any* community (any more than I have now. That's ... kind of stupid).
By the same token, I'm head over heels in love with another girl like myself. Clearly, I don't have any issues with that........der.
If you pass perfectly in 3 years, will you tell others about your past?
If it's any of their business yes. If. Keep in mind that 99.999% of the world population is *not* on the "it's their business list". I have no intention of residing in the closet ever again - but by the same token I don't feel some implicit need to tell everyone. *shakes head* I just don't get that last bit.
Why do you want to transition?
This is a silly question. Because I'm Female Damnit. Really. That's what it all boils down to in the end.
What is your sexual orientation and how does your changing your gender effect that?
Hee. This is a tricky and/or complicated one. When I first came to accept that I was the way I was, it was wrapped up in my realization that I was bisexual. Or rather, so it seemed. I spent a looooong time trying, and for the most part, faililng, to seperate sex from gender. Only in the last two years have I really had any success on that front.
Since starting transition, I have steadfastedly identified as bi/pan/sapio -sexual. Over the last few months, however, my Kinsey rating has been slowly drifting from around a 3 to ... somewhere in the range of a 5. I do *not* (at this point) think it will stay there, but that's definitely where I'm heading at the moment. (to add a bit of context, last fall the pendulum swung *vastly* in the other direction - this past spring has seen it level out to this point.)
What will you do about employment? Do you plan to transition at work?
Well, it's that or not work isn't it? Where I'm working now has full job protection for that sort of thing - literally. Unfortunately, I'm a contractor and not a full time permanent employee. Yes, becoming a permanent employee is priority one.
If that doesn't happen, honestly, I'm not sure what I'll do following. Pro'lly go a bit more stealth (....argh) and look for something else, likely under the maxim of max. cash in minimum amount of time. Clearly, nothing that doesn't afford some level of such protection, by definition, cannot be permanent for me.
Are out to your friends and family? How are they reacting to your decision?
Obviously. The only sectors of my life that are at all in the dark would be
a) work
b) those wierd biofamily peoples (well, okay, the Torg, and members of the extended family that I've not spoken to in nary a decade. Mom's known for a while now. She does *not* know that I'm moving forward on this, but then, having only spoken to her once in the past 18 months makes that difficult)
Obviously, neither of these situations are tenable. The first is, at the moment, somewhat nessecary (see above). The other one, is - honestly - kind of a nonissue. They'll find out. Sooner or later. But I've bigger fish to fry. (Considering that they've never even *met* their granddaughter, yeah, this is standing in line as issues go)
What is your goal? After you go full-time will you pursue other surgeries?
Well, yeah. To me, anyway, that is the whole point of the excercise. Mind, I have *zero* idea under present circumstances when the hell I'll be able to afford SRS. One way or the other, I mean to have it done by (latest) 2010. I've waited all my life and patience is *not* my strong point but I'm standing fast.
