i am okay, please don't worry

[in-vino.livejournal.com]

this is for the purposes of excorsism.

................


for myself

right now,

i truly cannot see being alive past maybe another five years max.

i get told to make a plan, a five year, ten year plan. i find i cannot because the focus of each individual day is make it through without ... what? doing myself in? running away? retreating irrevocably?
seeking oblivion in one way or another.

i also get told that i am young and life should look golden, full of potential, beautiful. "these are the best years of your life so you enjoy or else". and life is ... very good sometimes. just not in the way they mean.

i am tired though of being/feeling so held back.
not being able to
a) walk out the door/get out of bed some days
b) look into a reflective surface
c) have someone i care about take my picture without wanting to run/hide
d) have sex without crying
is very difficult. my one precept in life thusfar has been self sufficiency; if something was wrong or broken, i needed to look no further than myself to fix it or make it better. i liked that a lot, it streamlined life to a fundamental degree.

but i cannot continue to be self sufficient in this, i don't know how. or, haven't found a way yet. "talk therapy" is the word of the day. the very prospect makes me feel like less of a human being. i am having a very hard time not thinking of talk therapy as the ultimate in co-dependancy (my demon of the hour).

i want to change and i don't. while i'de like to be happy - or at least okay - i keep falling back on "what's the point it can't happen". it really seems pointless. and i don't believe people when they say that being alright is an option. i don't mean to be stubborn, but it is one i haven't experienced. i guess i'll believe it when i see it.

someone wrote in hir journal recently that the urge to bump hirself off was growing by the day. i feel this strongly, lines of highway or subway tracks are scarily tempting on most days. and it's not that i want to die, it's that i don't want to live sometimes.

my mother said to me in high school "the greatest revenge you could ever have on these people (my peers) is to succeed". i have just turned twenty-two. i cannot help but think that one of my greater accomplishments will be staying alive through this (forgive the inevitable melodrama; it's how i feel).




i have run out of steam for this in two distinct ways.
so, now for the good news:
i have given myself a faux hawk. it makes me pretty happy. if i ever figure out how to use my camera, i'll post pics.




i love you all very much.





x-posted to my journal