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transHello, my name is Jasmine and I am a smoker. There, I've said it. I am facing my problem, yet I still can't quit. It really disturbs me to no end that I am having so much trouble trying to quit. Those little flaming bastards of cancer do nothing for me, yet I always want them. Okay, this is the mantra of all smokers trying to kick the habit, but there is more to it as you will soon see.
Being transgendered, I discovered that I was a female in the wrong body at around 13 years old. I would raid my moms closet, dress up, then return the clothes and myself to the closet. I thought there was something wrong with me and this created some really serious guilt issues. By 17 years of age I was purchasing my own clothes and even going out to clubs on weekends. It was at this same time that I discovered the joy of self inflicting cancer by smoking. So here we have it, I became a smokin' tranny girl.
At this point I am sure you are wondering where the hell is this wacky gal going with this? Well here's my dilemma. I started smoking because I saw others do it, read magazines with all the flashy people with cigarettes dangling from their lips. On the other hand, my transition started because I just woke up one day and realized that is who I am. Being trans, there were even times I contemplated suicide because I was so racked with guilt because of who I wanted to be. Here's the real kicker. Even with such an unbelievably strong urge to be a woman, feelings of astonishing guilt for being "different" caused me to purge. If you don't know, purging is when you take all of your femme stuff and throw it in the trash and attempt to deny "it" ever happened. That's right folks, a need so strong that it would cause me to consider suicide, yet I would still try to make it go away because of some self imposed feelings of guilt.
Now we have smoking. I feel guilty about that too. Maybe it's all those damn anti-smoking commercials...you know the ones...the guy in the shower talking out of this disturbing hole in his throat, telling about how cigarettes caused it. I have never considered suicide if I couldn't have a smoke, and I never purged myself of my packs of cigarettes either. Instead of throwing out the pack I would tell myself..."I'll quit right after the last cig in this pack."
I realize this is one hell of a go nowhere rant, but it just popped into my twisted little mind. I just thought it was strange how something as harmless, but extremely necessary to my well-being as my transition is, I had attempted to "purge." Then on the other hand, something as dangerous and unnecessary as smoking I never attempted to "purge." Screw it...I'm going outside to have a smoke.
F U Marlboro Man!!!!!
At this point I am sure you are wondering where the hell is this wacky gal going with this? Well here's my dilemma. I started smoking because I saw others do it, read magazines with all the flashy people with cigarettes dangling from their lips. On the other hand, my transition started because I just woke up one day and realized that is who I am. Being trans, there were even times I contemplated suicide because I was so racked with guilt because of who I wanted to be. Here's the real kicker. Even with such an unbelievably strong urge to be a woman, feelings of astonishing guilt for being "different" caused me to purge. If you don't know, purging is when you take all of your femme stuff and throw it in the trash and attempt to deny "it" ever happened. That's right folks, a need so strong that it would cause me to consider suicide, yet I would still try to make it go away because of some self imposed feelings of guilt.
Now we have smoking. I feel guilty about that too. Maybe it's all those damn anti-smoking commercials...you know the ones...the guy in the shower talking out of this disturbing hole in his throat, telling about how cigarettes caused it. I have never considered suicide if I couldn't have a smoke, and I never purged myself of my packs of cigarettes either. Instead of throwing out the pack I would tell myself..."I'll quit right after the last cig in this pack."
I realize this is one hell of a go nowhere rant, but it just popped into my twisted little mind. I just thought it was strange how something as harmless, but extremely necessary to my well-being as my transition is, I had attempted to "purge." Then on the other hand, something as dangerous and unnecessary as smoking I never attempted to "purge." Screw it...I'm going outside to have a smoke.
