Milestones

[0nlymemories.livejournal.com]

I've known that I was trans (or at least, "a boy in a girl's body", which was as close as I could get for a long time) for probably three years now, and I've known that I wasn't "supposed" to be in the body that I had since I hit puberty and my body betrayed me. I was a very active kid (and a Military brat, which brings a whole 'nother set of issues entirely to the table) and I never thought about what gender I was until suddenly I couldn't hold myself up on the monkey bars and my breasts and hips got into the way of my activities.

I had a moderate weight problem as an early-to-mid teen, because I used food as a coping mechanism and went out of my way to avoid thinking about my body at all, but when I was 16 I decided I needed to change. At first I thought that it was about being slimmer, more "attractive", but as I transformed (from 196 and 5'4" at 16 to 5'9" and 138 as of my Dr. appointment this afternoon) I realized that it wasn't my size that made me unhappy, but the very immutable aspects of my female body.

I'm not a "boyish" girl from the neck down, I have large breasts (30DD) and precious little spare ribcage to hide them on, a 24 inch waist and big hips (35 inches, and a little bigger around the bum), and putting on weight only makes it more obvious that I put on weight in an estrogen-determined pattern, which I find very stressful entirely apart from the societal prejudice against people of size (I topped out at a 16 or 18, and was all too aware of how people presenting as female are treated when they fail to fit into the "perfect" mold in a high school setting) so weight gain really isn't a legitimate passing strategy for me. (That, and I dare anyone to find a flattering and/or comfortable bra in a 32G. Srsly, even female-identified persons would be pissed about something like that. They DON'T EXIST.)

So I've been tip-toeing around the issue for a while now, and with the change of dropping out of college and leaving my "home" state for the first time since my father got out of the military, I've decided to take the initiative to really take jump to become the person I really am inside.

Tomorrow I'm calling to make my first appointment with the Psychologist who's going to be determining if I'm a good candidate for hormone therapy, and today I took the plunge and "presented" as masculinely as I can really think of right now. I got massive shit from my roommates (lesbians, and dating, bless their lucky, getting-some-regularly hearts) for looking "preppy" in my snap shirt layered under a long sleeved sweater, even though my jeans were still covered in mud from Warped tour, but... For the first time, I saw me when I looked in the mirror, instead of "That girl who people see when they look at me, isn't she pretty, I wish I weren't living in her body so I could hit on her".

It was pretty sweet, and I hope it starts happening more often.

Even though I sort of feel the need to get a neck tat so people can't ignore my stretched ears and multiple facial piercings and read me as some sort of respectable type...

I've got emo boy cred to maintain, after all. :)

(crossposted a few places because I'm one of those people who craves outside imput... Sorry if you get it more than once.)