Milestones

[0nlymemories.livejournal.com]

I've known that I was trans (or at least, "a boy in a girl's body", which was as close as I could get for a long time) for probably three years now, and I've known that I wasn't "supposed" to be in the body that I had since I hit puberty and my body betrayed me. I was a very active kid (and a Military brat, which brings a whole 'nother set of issues entirely to the table) and I never thought about what gender I was until suddenly I couldn't hold myself up on the monkey bars and my breasts and hips got into the way of my activities.

I had a moderate weight problem as an early-to-mid teen, because I used food as a coping mechanism and went out of my way to avoid thinking about my body at all, but when I was 16 I decided I needed to change. At first I thought that it was about being slimmer, more "attractive", but as I transformed (from 196 and 5'4" at 16 to 5'9" and 138 as of my Dr. appointment this afternoon) I realized that it wasn't my size that made me unhappy, but the very immutable aspects of my female body.

I'm not a "boyish" girl from the neck down, I have large breasts (30DD) and precious little spare ribcage to hide them on, a 24 inch waist and big hips (35 inches, and a little bigger around the bum), and putting on weight only makes it more obvious that I put on weight in an estrogen-determined pattern, which I find very stressful entirely apart from the societal prejudice against people of size (I topped out at a 16 or 18, and was all too aware of how people presenting as female are treated when they fail to fit into the "perfect" mold in a high school setting) so weight gain really isn't a legitimate passing strategy for me. (That, and I dare anyone to find a flattering and/or comfortable bra in a 32G. Srsly, even female-identified persons would be pissed about something like that. They DON'T EXIST.)

So I've been tip-toeing around the issue for a while now, and with the change of dropping out of college and leaving my "home" state for the first time since my father got out of the military, I've decided to take the initiative to really take jump to become the person I really am inside.

Tomorrow I'm calling to make my first appointment with the Psychologist who's going to be determining if I'm a good candidate for hormone therapy, and today I took the plunge and "presented" as masculinely as I can really think of right now. I got massive shit from my roommates (lesbians, and dating, bless their lucky, getting-some-regularly hearts) for looking "preppy" in my snap shirt layered under a long sleeved sweater, even though my jeans were still covered in mud from Warped tour, but... For the first time, I saw me when I looked in the mirror, instead of "That girl who people see when they look at me, isn't she pretty, I wish I weren't living in her body so I could hit on her".

It was pretty sweet, and I hope it starts happening more often.

Even though I sort of feel the need to get a neck tat so people can't ignore my stretched ears and multiple facial piercings and read me as some sort of respectable type...

I've got emo boy cred to maintain, after all. :)

(crossposted a few places because I'm one of those people who craves outside imput... Sorry if you get it more than once.)

more thoughts about the MWMF

[sophiaserpentia.livejournal.com]

( read only if you're not completely exhausted by this )

Relationships and disclosure......

[terry-terrible.livejournal.com]

Some background first, I'm a 27 year-old MtF, I've been crossdressing for years, but have in the last month come to the realization that I very well may be transsexual and subsequently have been trying to sort things out in my mind and thinking out my next step is.

So I've been thinking about love relationships and how they can be influenced and complicated by my trans issues lately.

I haven't dated in forever and with going back to school and being social again I really want to start dating again. I've been abysmally lonely for the last two years and for obvious reasons I want to share my life with someone as all do.

But I'm having doubts on doing this due to my recent self-discovery and what the future may hold for me because of that. After about a month of deep introspection I'm now pretty sure (80%-90%) sure that I'm a transsexual woman, I'm not a man internally, and that I might be doing something in the future to reconcile my body with my mind. But I'm taking it slow, any kind of permanent change is a long ways off as I want to know for sure that this is what I need to do to be myself and happy with that.

But where does that leave my love life? I don't want to be dishonest or unethical, getting into a relationship with someone and then popping my gender issues on them in a year or sometime when I've made a final decision. That, IMHO, would be despicable.


On one and, if my feelings do turn out to be true, I'm willing put off getting into relationships for a few years for the sake of finding out who I truly am.

(Yes, I know you're all reading this wavering and saying, She's still in denial, I can see that too)

But one the other hand, if this just turns out to be something else then I doesn’t want to waste more of my life alone when I could be having some wonderful relationships with some awesome people.

So, I'm thinking of a compromise of seeking out dates actively and whatever happens happens. With luck I can find a pansexual/bi/lesbian that could have no problem with this, but that's a crapshot. But I would tell them about my issues and that transitioning could be in my future within the first month or two so if they bail neither one of us would have invested much time or emotion into the relationship.

I was wondering how other people have handled this while they were questioning or unsure and what you might think of my solution.


Cross posted to
terry_terrible
mtf
transgender

The T-girls are alright

[marionmashni.livejournal.com]

First of all, I'm going to stress one thing that the audience here should already know but the outside world may not know so strongly and therefore the confidence you may have in it may be shaken: THE T-GIRLS ARE ALRIGHT. Contrary to what sensationalised media outlets report, we don't do most of the crime or take most of the substance abuse. We don't see things, hear voices or think strange thoughts. In fact, a lot of us are the most rationally thinking high achivers. There may occasionally be the trans murderer, but how many more cis murderers are there? I'm pretty sure that our rate is lower.
Okay, so we're all right. That means we don't have to become completely what other people think of as normal to be normal, and we can get on with our lives now. So what do we need? We need as much as the next person - friends, beauty, love, family, freedom etc. How can we get it? The fact that we are different means that we need to sort our own life out ourselves. And each of us is different, and special in our own ways. But believe me, there is a good life lying ahead of you no matter where you go, as long as you don't think the conventional way is the only way to go by things.
Do we have to be 100% like the cis people to be happy? I guess not, since they have individual differences too. They are beautiful in different ways, and have different needs, just like you and me. We are all trying to find a life that suits us, and we are no different in this. Some people need more shaving, some need less. Some people need prostheses, some don't. Some people have the standard parts and structures, some don't (read up on anatomical variation if you don't know what I mean). At the end of the day, they all try to make the most beautiful out of their bodies, and get the most function out of this. How are we outside this norm? How ar wee freaks, or errors, more than any other person. How come we have to all do some standard thing that some might need but some might not need (i.e. The op, medical treatment etc, suitible for some people with some conditions but not for all) to be recognised as us? Nobody should embrace this silly idea, especially not ones in our community who should know better.
Trans people seem to be sadder than the average person in a lot of places. But this ain't have to be. Once we understand that we can equally get on with life, we become just as well adapted as everyone else. If every trans person could think that way, we will be very sane as a group - probably saner than most groups since we have more insight for the need to think rationally. Nobody can really say we're psycho, can they?

perhaps a little TMI:

[in-vino.livejournal.com]

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