confessions

[rebooten-tag.livejournal.com]

Hey guys, this is secret_sakura.  I recently decided to come out to most of my lj friends and real life friends.  The comments were very supportive and most of the people stand by me.  [ The others just ignored the post and didnt comment].

This is what I said:

is is pretty much more than i've ever told most of you:

Heh, I hate posting important stuff like this on days that I work; right before work, because I'm going to be thinking about the possible responses all night at work and it's going to drive me nuts...

Ever since Elementery school, I've never felt like I fit in with others.  I never had very many friends, never talked much or socialized, and was picked on a lot.   I never felt like I belonged.  Around 5th grade I started having these feelings that I am the wrong gender, and that my life would be better if I had been female.  It was then that I started crossdressing and at that time, it was mostly 'borrowing' clothes from my mother as I have no sisters.  In about 6th grade, I had a friend named tom, that I experimented with and I would usually play the female role with him.  I stopped talking to him in middle school.

In middle school, I went through life without very many friends and I usually talked to the teachers more than other students.  I was picked on and because of Tom's idiocy, someone found out about our experiments and pretty soon for the three years of middle school and even a little in to highschool I was made fun of and called gay by the popular crowd.

In middle school, I continued to dress up at home, and nobody else knew about it at that time.  I have to admit that it has always been a little sexual to me, dressing up in the clothes.  I thought that if someone else saw me dressed up, they might think that I was a girl.  that was the start of  me thinking that I wanted others to beleive that I was a girl.  I went outside one time dressed up to get the mail, and the mail man was still there.  He said something about me and I got in trouble for indecent exposure.  I was given two choices, either talk to a phycologist or go on trial [juvee?] for indecent exposure.  I don't know what would have happened because I went to talk to the doctor.  I really didn't want to talk to her at this time.  I pretty much lied about what I was feeling in order to get out this.  I think now that I should have told the truth and maybe I would have been farther along in my transition.  I kind of stopped dressing for a while but i'm not completly sure why that was.

Emotionally, I feel like I itentify myself more with being feminine than being masculine.  I feel sensitive and more emotional.  I find myself crying more than normal.  Also, I feel like if I were born female, I would have had more friends or less social problems.  I admire how girls or women socialy interact and want that for myself.  I want to be feminine and sexy and I want to feel this way.  I want to be able to wear nice clothing and be pretty.   I want to be intentified as feminine.   I want to go out and see if I can pass for a girl, it's an adventure, if people think that I am a girl, it makes me feel more like a girl.  I feel like everything in my life is wrong and i'm suppose to be a girl, then my life would have been more of a success.  In short I feel like i'm trapped in the wrong body.  I feel somewhat as that I am a lesbian trapped in a males body.  no, I am not gay, I do like girls.  Also, i dont feel comfortable in my body.  I think my whole chemical unbalance issue is evidence of that.   I feel more comfortable in girl's clothing and I think male clothing is boring.  Also, I often ponder and want to experiance what life is like as a girl.  growing up as a girl, prom, going shopping with mom, with friends, slumber parties, sex? feelings, emotions, sexuality.  I want to experiance life in a female body.  I wish to experiance life as a girl would have.  I dress again, since 8th/9th grade.  I have bought a lot of things from ebay, but I have also physically purchased some things in stores.  I have gone out dressed a few times, even though I don't think I pass very well.  most notibly would be the recent halloween party at Dan and Liz's.

Religion:  for a long time I blamed god for putting me in the wrong body.  I prayed to him to somehow 'magically' make things right over night even though now i know how stupid of an idea that is.  That is part of the reason why I fell out of christianity.  I never felt like I fit in, is another reason.  christians are suppose to be supportive and friendly and not judge people.  to me, my church was just like high school, and just like in highschool, i couldnt find anywhere that i fit in.   I never told anyone in the church about how I felt with the whole transgender issue because i didnt know how they would respond to it and i didnt want to be expidited or anything like that.  I feel strongly that if I am going to beleive in something I need there to be physical evidence of its occurance, and i feel like i was let down for not being put in the right embodyment in the first place.  I stopped going to church in about 10th grade.  Another thing that always buged me was how hypocritical my church experiance was.  what's this about only wearing one mask in your life? 

I think jme might have been the first person in real life to help me.  Lindsay did not like my crossdressing and thought it was because she was not feminine enough for me.  Ashley [and alex] helped me out a lot until she became a bitch and told everyone about my secrets and that I was bad at sex and etc [all Lies].  Shortly after this I decided to tell most of the people the truth about my life so a lot of people already know the basics of what i've said here.  Shortly after joining the cult known as ISH, I gained a lot of new friends most of which I dont even talk to anymore.   I miss the Ish, but not the dharma er I mean drama.   I went to a couple GSA meetings at grcc, but i'm pretty sure davenport does not have one.   I'm trying to meet new people here at Davenport but it hasn't really happened yet.

I consider myself to be a crossdresser [one who likes to wear the clothing of the other sex], transgendered [right now mostly mentally and somewhat physically]  [one who feels like they do not belong in their body and goes through steps to actually change their body to set things right. 

Thanks to everyone who has helped me over the years, Jme, andrea, alex, ashley, darryn, tori, laura, liz, audrey, tricia, nate, and anyone else i forgot to mention.

Thanks to those that commented on my last post.  even if you already commented, please feel free [and  encouraged] to comment again.  It was really hard to me to say all this in such an open way.   I felt like most people already knew about it so I wanted everyone important to me to know. 

I've decided that my girl name is Kristen.

I've got some new pictures but i'm going to be lazy and not directly post them in this entry.  Please look at them anyhow!

http://s91.photobucket.com/albums/k302/secret_sakura/11_22/

**This is me trying different outfits, seeing which one looks the best**

http://s91.photobucket.com/albums/k302/secret_sakura/halloween/

**This is what Kristen wore to a halloween party**

http://s91.photobucket.com/albums/k302/secret_sakura/hawt/

**Kristen fooling around**