A Letter To My Mom (any suggestions)...
Jan. 1st, 2007 04:16 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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transDear Mom,
When I came out to you as transsexual, the circumstances were far from ideal and we were unable to discuss any aspect of it at all. Since that time we have vary rarely discussed anything and when we have the conversations tended to focus mainly on the aspects of hormones and while it is one of the major parts it is far from the only one. We have both been stuck on that issue and neither of us have been able to get past it I hope however I can make the first step moving forward. I have decided to cut my hormones back by 50%. That will stop any further feminization while still preventing any more masculinizing as well. It will in a sense place me in a point of limbo until I can get a proper prescription, which should happen in the next month.
I know reading the book and other information I have given you is hard and involves heavy thought but will help you understand what and who I am a lot better. It will also help you deal with a lot of the things you are feeling. I don’t know if you think that my transsexualality will go away, you ashamed of it, or you’re just overwhelmed. Either way we need to discuss this because it’s really starting to eat away at me. Even after I gave you my therapist’s information so you can set up a meeting with her you seemed uninterested and somehow disappointed. I still don’t even know if you’ve called her, made an appointment, or even already had an appointment.
Over the next couple of months I also want to start scheduling laser hair removal (or electrolysis) to start to remove unwanted facial hair. I have already put off calling someone to set up an appointment for over a month out of respect because it is another one of those irrevocable (for the most part) steps in transition to take.
Another very large subject I have been unable to discuss is pronouns and name use. I have mentioned a couple of times about going by a different name (Lilly) and each time I have sensed an serious uneasiness from you preventing me from furthering the discussion about it and about how you feel. It has also prevented us from discussing pronoun use and how I prefer female pronouns (she and her). The pronouns and name has started becoming a lot more important over the next several months as I start going out as my True Self more often.
I don’t even know if you fully understand what me being transsexual really is and what it entails. I don’t know what you understand or what you know about it so I can’t try and help you figure it out. From my point of view you seem to be ignoring all my attempts to help you understand. I know it’s overwhelming but it’s not going to go away this is still the path I have to take.
Even though everything I’ve been going through has been a bit overwhelming for me as well I hope you have noticed the benefits that have happened over the last several months. The amount of huge yelling arguments have all but disappeared, I think we’ve only really had 2 in the last several months. We used to have one at the very least once a week and it would be over completely stupid and trivial matters. I really hope you have noticed that I am actively becoming a lot calmer and more compassionate. My impulsive anger has pretty much vanishes as well, I haven’t felt this mentally clear in all my life.
I’m also concerned about how dad is handling all of thins. I don’t know if I’m over reacting and seeing things that aren’t there but it seems he is more hostile. I know you have both said you accept what I am doing as long as I know it’s the right path but the lack of communication between us on this subject has brought doubt into my mine.
I know this letter seems a bit jumbled and skips from one subject to another quickly but there are a lot of things on my mind and I feel this is the only way I can verbalize it. Please take everything to heart, I know this journey is difficult for all of us but if we don’t communicate it will become even harder.
I want to know that you accept my journey even if you don’t support my path.
Your Loving Daughter,
~ Lilly
When I came out to you as transsexual, the circumstances were far from ideal and we were unable to discuss any aspect of it at all. Since that time we have vary rarely discussed anything and when we have the conversations tended to focus mainly on the aspects of hormones and while it is one of the major parts it is far from the only one. We have both been stuck on that issue and neither of us have been able to get past it I hope however I can make the first step moving forward. I have decided to cut my hormones back by 50%. That will stop any further feminization while still preventing any more masculinizing as well. It will in a sense place me in a point of limbo until I can get a proper prescription, which should happen in the next month.
I know reading the book and other information I have given you is hard and involves heavy thought but will help you understand what and who I am a lot better. It will also help you deal with a lot of the things you are feeling. I don’t know if you think that my transsexualality will go away, you ashamed of it, or you’re just overwhelmed. Either way we need to discuss this because it’s really starting to eat away at me. Even after I gave you my therapist’s information so you can set up a meeting with her you seemed uninterested and somehow disappointed. I still don’t even know if you’ve called her, made an appointment, or even already had an appointment.
Over the next couple of months I also want to start scheduling laser hair removal (or electrolysis) to start to remove unwanted facial hair. I have already put off calling someone to set up an appointment for over a month out of respect because it is another one of those irrevocable (for the most part) steps in transition to take.
Another very large subject I have been unable to discuss is pronouns and name use. I have mentioned a couple of times about going by a different name (Lilly) and each time I have sensed an serious uneasiness from you preventing me from furthering the discussion about it and about how you feel. It has also prevented us from discussing pronoun use and how I prefer female pronouns (she and her). The pronouns and name has started becoming a lot more important over the next several months as I start going out as my True Self more often.
I don’t even know if you fully understand what me being transsexual really is and what it entails. I don’t know what you understand or what you know about it so I can’t try and help you figure it out. From my point of view you seem to be ignoring all my attempts to help you understand. I know it’s overwhelming but it’s not going to go away this is still the path I have to take.
Even though everything I’ve been going through has been a bit overwhelming for me as well I hope you have noticed the benefits that have happened over the last several months. The amount of huge yelling arguments have all but disappeared, I think we’ve only really had 2 in the last several months. We used to have one at the very least once a week and it would be over completely stupid and trivial matters. I really hope you have noticed that I am actively becoming a lot calmer and more compassionate. My impulsive anger has pretty much vanishes as well, I haven’t felt this mentally clear in all my life.
I’m also concerned about how dad is handling all of thins. I don’t know if I’m over reacting and seeing things that aren’t there but it seems he is more hostile. I know you have both said you accept what I am doing as long as I know it’s the right path but the lack of communication between us on this subject has brought doubt into my mine.
I know this letter seems a bit jumbled and skips from one subject to another quickly but there are a lot of things on my mind and I feel this is the only way I can verbalize it. Please take everything to heart, I know this journey is difficult for all of us but if we don’t communicate it will become even harder.
I want to know that you accept my journey even if you don’t support my path.
Your Loving Daughter,
~ Lilly