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transIm not sure if it shows up but im 16.
Well, I was born male, but I don't think I ever liked it, and have wanted, and even dreamed and wished nearly every night that I could wake up as a girl. When I used to go online, it was as a girl and chatting and playing online games was fun that way, and when I don't do this my joy goes down, and im likely to quit it early...
Still more behind it, but im in a dilema and was crying earlier and this is why I even found this place.
It started last summer, I finally decided to look up what I had to see if I was crazy or not, and well im not. I found tons of sites and learned about TS quite quickly, but then I knew I had it, and my stomache began to twist and ache. It went on for a week like that, with me in a depressed mood unable to do much of anything till I finally managed to tell someone, my younger sister (13). Lets just say it didn't turn out so well and to keep her from more crying I had to tell her I was just going crazy and it was something else. It made me so miserable that I didn't get any sleep that night and my stomache was killing me so I decided to tell my mom the next day. She said it was unexpected, and would do what she could to help (though she believed that It was a phase or something). My dad said he didn't want to know what my problem was, but that I could go to a phychiatrist if I needed to.
Going to theropy DID help, and back then I was more trying to find away to stop the feeling of depression I got from not being able to achieve being a girl. I went to the theropy till november, which I kind of stopped saying I would figure a way to stop this myself (and she was sure I would come back to this and gave me some resources that I can't find right now ;_;) but this was done for my mother. She found it unexpected that I would suddenly stop the theropy but I did it for her because when I began thinking of the possibility that I might actually transition, she had an expression worse then ive ever seen on her and it pained me to see it so I just told myself I'd live through without it and she seemed glad, and told me "it's just a phase, and you'll be much happier in coledge" or something like that.
Well, through december I was fine, I still found myself wishing I could wake up as a girl every night, and my dreams never stopped, but I didn't feel depressed besides a time where for about an hour I thought my life was pointless and would have let myself stay outside in the cold in shorts if my dad didn't tell me to stop... (ok, looking back it wasn't that small) but now,It's gotten worse...
Last week I was pretty much sleeping all day and awake all night, doing next to nothing and getting REALLY bored (my social life doesn't exist ;_;) and then I stooped into depression of there being no point in me staying as I was now, the need to be a girl raised as I thought about trying to socialise with people (even on the internet) and I fealt alone and wanted to fall asleep to never wake up. I looked up more stuff on transexuals because a big part of me wanted to, and somehow transition seemed like it would be perfect for me but the stomach-ache returned as I thought of telling my mom this, and then fear of it and the fact that if I tried to become a girl I would look horible and never pass on, and possibilities of my family breaking because of me, and it just hurt... I lost two days of school this week because my ache was so bad it hurt to move around (plus nausia and a severe head-ache).
Thats my dilema, I feel horrible mentaly AND physicaly, this entire thing scares me to death, I fear going insane from pain and sorrow if I stay quiet, and hurting my family to be potentially freak is scary as well. I don't know what to do, it's making me sick and want it to just end. Im a coward, and not willing to end my life because that too would hurt my family (possibly worse then becoming a girl) and again, im a coward. I hate this and it hurts...
Well, I was born male, but I don't think I ever liked it, and have wanted, and even dreamed and wished nearly every night that I could wake up as a girl. When I used to go online, it was as a girl and chatting and playing online games was fun that way, and when I don't do this my joy goes down, and im likely to quit it early...
Still more behind it, but im in a dilema and was crying earlier and this is why I even found this place.
It started last summer, I finally decided to look up what I had to see if I was crazy or not, and well im not. I found tons of sites and learned about TS quite quickly, but then I knew I had it, and my stomache began to twist and ache. It went on for a week like that, with me in a depressed mood unable to do much of anything till I finally managed to tell someone, my younger sister (13). Lets just say it didn't turn out so well and to keep her from more crying I had to tell her I was just going crazy and it was something else. It made me so miserable that I didn't get any sleep that night and my stomache was killing me so I decided to tell my mom the next day. She said it was unexpected, and would do what she could to help (though she believed that It was a phase or something). My dad said he didn't want to know what my problem was, but that I could go to a phychiatrist if I needed to.
Going to theropy DID help, and back then I was more trying to find away to stop the feeling of depression I got from not being able to achieve being a girl. I went to the theropy till november, which I kind of stopped saying I would figure a way to stop this myself (and she was sure I would come back to this and gave me some resources that I can't find right now ;_;) but this was done for my mother. She found it unexpected that I would suddenly stop the theropy but I did it for her because when I began thinking of the possibility that I might actually transition, she had an expression worse then ive ever seen on her and it pained me to see it so I just told myself I'd live through without it and she seemed glad, and told me "it's just a phase, and you'll be much happier in coledge" or something like that.
Well, through december I was fine, I still found myself wishing I could wake up as a girl every night, and my dreams never stopped, but I didn't feel depressed besides a time where for about an hour I thought my life was pointless and would have let myself stay outside in the cold in shorts if my dad didn't tell me to stop... (ok, looking back it wasn't that small) but now,It's gotten worse...
Last week I was pretty much sleeping all day and awake all night, doing next to nothing and getting REALLY bored (my social life doesn't exist ;_;) and then I stooped into depression of there being no point in me staying as I was now, the need to be a girl raised as I thought about trying to socialise with people (even on the internet) and I fealt alone and wanted to fall asleep to never wake up. I looked up more stuff on transexuals because a big part of me wanted to, and somehow transition seemed like it would be perfect for me but the stomach-ache returned as I thought of telling my mom this, and then fear of it and the fact that if I tried to become a girl I would look horible and never pass on, and possibilities of my family breaking because of me, and it just hurt... I lost two days of school this week because my ache was so bad it hurt to move around (plus nausia and a severe head-ache).
Thats my dilema, I feel horrible mentaly AND physicaly, this entire thing scares me to death, I fear going insane from pain and sorrow if I stay quiet, and hurting my family to be potentially freak is scary as well. I don't know what to do, it's making me sick and want it to just end. Im a coward, and not willing to end my life because that too would hurt my family (possibly worse then becoming a girl) and again, im a coward. I hate this and it hurts...
