![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
heartslaught.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transThis was posted in my personal lj... and didn't cross-post to this community.
My dad called me about a week ago to tell me that he was 1. moving away over the weekend and then off ot florida in a few months (those on my f-list know this intro stuff here) and 2. he was getting remarried on May 24th of next year. I was at first incredibly estatic for my father. He deserves this for all the shit he has taken over all the years. To say I'm still estatic would be correct, actually.
Then came the the next line that knocked the wind out of me: "I want you three to be IN the wedding". The three being my older sister(25), my young brother(19), and I.
I broke down in tears after I hung up the phone. I know what it means. I have to be in that wedding. My father wants the three best things that ever happened to him (he's honestly feels the days the three of us were born were the best of his existence) to be there for his special day.
I'm making this clear though. I WILL be at this wedding. Come hell or high water, I will be there.
The issue comes that I want to be there as Cat. The person I really am, and not Michael, the act I put up for 20 years. I've been living as Cat full-time for the last month and a half. My mind has never been so relaxed. When I'm at school, I don't have the anxieties I used to. The first with being Michael and acting, and the second with hoping I coudl be accepted there as Cat. I can just go with the flow, sit down, and do what I need to do now. I no longer have worries about my gender going through my head. I know who I am.
Knowing who I am is where the problem is now. If I go to my father's wedding as Mike, could I live with myself? Yes, everyone else would be content. But would I be? Then there is the issue of hormones. Even if I could live with myself, could I even be convincing as that act anymore? It would be two years and two months at that point. I'm already pass the point of no return. I'll be much further along by then.
Which comes the other issue. Even if I can sit my dad down and be clear, concise, and respectful that this is how I want to live my life; and we are agreement that it me being Cat is for the best. There's the issue of will the rest of the family be convinced about me, or will they even accept me? I'm going to start talking with my therapist tomorrow about how to sit down with my father. What I'm stonewalled at is if all goes well, how far do I need to go? What are the goals I should set for myself if I am to go as Cat? I'm not going to the wedding as Cat to draw attention onto myself. I'm going because two people are getting married, and I was asked to be a part of this special occassion, for which I'm honored.
I'm just at a crossroads for what I need to do. I'm completely confused with so many scenarios, situations, and possible problems that I have no clue what steps I should take.
I will always remember one thing though. This is my father's day. I will do what I have to to make this day as special as to the day when my siblings and I were born. I just don't want to go to this wedding, and know that I went there as a lie.
Thank you for reading this mess of jumbled thoughts,
Catherine Olsen.
My dad called me about a week ago to tell me that he was 1. moving away over the weekend and then off ot florida in a few months (those on my f-list know this intro stuff here) and 2. he was getting remarried on May 24th of next year. I was at first incredibly estatic for my father. He deserves this for all the shit he has taken over all the years. To say I'm still estatic would be correct, actually.
Then came the the next line that knocked the wind out of me: "I want you three to be IN the wedding". The three being my older sister(25), my young brother(19), and I.
I broke down in tears after I hung up the phone. I know what it means. I have to be in that wedding. My father wants the three best things that ever happened to him (he's honestly feels the days the three of us were born were the best of his existence) to be there for his special day.
I'm making this clear though. I WILL be at this wedding. Come hell or high water, I will be there.
The issue comes that I want to be there as Cat. The person I really am, and not Michael, the act I put up for 20 years. I've been living as Cat full-time for the last month and a half. My mind has never been so relaxed. When I'm at school, I don't have the anxieties I used to. The first with being Michael and acting, and the second with hoping I coudl be accepted there as Cat. I can just go with the flow, sit down, and do what I need to do now. I no longer have worries about my gender going through my head. I know who I am.
Knowing who I am is where the problem is now. If I go to my father's wedding as Mike, could I live with myself? Yes, everyone else would be content. But would I be? Then there is the issue of hormones. Even if I could live with myself, could I even be convincing as that act anymore? It would be two years and two months at that point. I'm already pass the point of no return. I'll be much further along by then.
Which comes the other issue. Even if I can sit my dad down and be clear, concise, and respectful that this is how I want to live my life; and we are agreement that it me being Cat is for the best. There's the issue of will the rest of the family be convinced about me, or will they even accept me? I'm going to start talking with my therapist tomorrow about how to sit down with my father. What I'm stonewalled at is if all goes well, how far do I need to go? What are the goals I should set for myself if I am to go as Cat? I'm not going to the wedding as Cat to draw attention onto myself. I'm going because two people are getting married, and I was asked to be a part of this special occassion, for which I'm honored.
I'm just at a crossroads for what I need to do. I'm completely confused with so many scenarios, situations, and possible problems that I have no clue what steps I should take.
I will always remember one thing though. This is my father's day. I will do what I have to to make this day as special as to the day when my siblings and I were born. I just don't want to go to this wedding, and know that I went there as a lie.
Thank you for reading this mess of jumbled thoughts,
Catherine Olsen.