Transition Fears
Feb. 10th, 2008 06:45 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
omnimodus.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
trans(posted on my personal LJ, ftm, transyouth, closeted_ftm, and transgender)
I worry a lot about transition sometimes. I'm afraid what my family might think or do, what people who know me would do, and most importantly - what I would do.
I constantly debate with myself about whether or not I should go on T and get my breasts removed. I know I want to transition socially, and I plan to. I have already started very slowly in my high school. My one teacher now calls out, "Darian", when checking for my attendance in class. Physically transitioning, is a really big deal. On one hand I want to know what I really look like. What Darian looks and sounds like instead of "Emma". I am a short guy. I only stand at 4'11 and weigh about 95 Lbs. In this female body, I can get away with being short. As an outward boy, I don't know that my height would be as ...appreciated. I am also not very butch. I feel masculine yes, but I've had it mentally beaten into my brain not to show it.
What if I hate how I look after transition? It's not like I can go back to the way I was after all that. I like my soft skin, and Jacqui likes how I smell. My scent will change with T and my skin will become more coarse. I'll be a candidate for male pattern baldness, which is a big no no. Will I be more prone to anger? Will my personality change?
There are so many reasons not to change my body. Yet of course, there are just as many reasons to do it.
I worry a lot about transition sometimes. I'm afraid what my family might think or do, what people who know me would do, and most importantly - what I would do.
I constantly debate with myself about whether or not I should go on T and get my breasts removed. I know I want to transition socially, and I plan to. I have already started very slowly in my high school. My one teacher now calls out, "Darian", when checking for my attendance in class. Physically transitioning, is a really big deal. On one hand I want to know what I really look like. What Darian looks and sounds like instead of "Emma". I am a short guy. I only stand at 4'11 and weigh about 95 Lbs. In this female body, I can get away with being short. As an outward boy, I don't know that my height would be as ...appreciated. I am also not very butch. I feel masculine yes, but I've had it mentally beaten into my brain not to show it.
What if I hate how I look after transition? It's not like I can go back to the way I was after all that. I like my soft skin, and Jacqui likes how I smell. My scent will change with T and my skin will become more coarse. I'll be a candidate for male pattern baldness, which is a big no no. Will I be more prone to anger? Will my personality change?
There are so many reasons not to change my body. Yet of course, there are just as many reasons to do it.
