"Suck it up." Is that all I can do?

[scissorplay.livejournal.com]

Hey all, I'm Neil, male identified (ftm), 15 and pre-everything. I've yet to come out to my parents about any of this--the questioning, the experimenting, the self-discovery--so far I've gone through this process on my own, keeping them happily oblivious. Through an article I wrote in the school newspaper on LGBTs and a visit to the school counselor on an unrelated issue, I've suddenly found myself surrounded by people standing by me as support and accepting me for who I am. The closest person to me, a teacher, and I were talking just this evening after school and she said some things that were worrying and alarming.


We'd just had a talk the day before about my name, how I've been signing my assignments as Neil instead of my legal name, and somehow we got on the topic again. I mentioned to her the things I might want to do in the future (post-graduate) and the things that would occur in the near-future that worried me (before graduation). I told her I wouldn't go to prom, because my parents would not allow me to leave the house in a suit or tuxedo let alone let me buy one, that I'd only get to go after they'd stuffed me in a dress. I told her how anxious I was about graduation, how I hoped we didn't have to dress up underneath our gowns because again I wouldn't be able to stand wearing a dress, and I don't know how to walk in heels to save my life.

Then came the issue of the colour of the gowns, females wear white and males wear red. I don't want to be grouped with the girls in their white, I want to wear red with the rest of the guys, but she told me in a deadpan voice I would wear white and that I'd have to "suck it up". The day before she told me that I was still a girl, that she wouldn't call me Neil during school hours (and she hasn't) and that everyone would always see me as a girl. The way she said it made me feel hopeless. That no matter what I do no one in this school will respect what I want.

No teacher has approached me yet about signing my work as Neil. I make sure to add my last name so they know who it is. A friend has quoted me in a graded paper using the name Neil and male pronouns. Another friend in Journalism class doesn't call me Neil but doesn't call me by my legal name either, and I'm working on getting him to use male pronouns. I've been thinking about writing this last article for the newspaper with all the skill that I have, and proudly printing my name as Neil to let the whole school know.

But when it comes to functions such as graduation, prom, dances, events. Will I be forced to suck it up? Should I? Should I let this all slide until college, where I can start anew and where people may be more willing to accept my personal decisions? We have quite a lot of lesbian and homosexual students, but no transgendered/gender-variant students (I...think?) So I doubt teachers and staff know what to do with me if I were to make myself 'known'. In fact my teacher has encouraged me to talk to two butch lesbians and get to know them, which annoys me a lot. But I know she's just trying to help. I guess.

So, community. Is she right, in a way? ... Or is there anything I can do at this stage, at this age?

I hope I got the tags right orz