Looking for advice on my relationship
Apr. 8th, 2010 06:17 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
kristalin.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
trans** crossposted to partners_of_tg
Hello all,
I'm in desperate need of some advice from partners out there as well as anyone else with thoughts on the matter. I'm a MTF transperson, and my partner/wife of over 8 years informed me a few months ago she wanted to leave me, and this whole thing has caught me off guard, as I wasn't really aware things had gotten that bad.
I've identified as trans since before I met my wife. After leaving one trans-supportive girlfriend of 3 years that wasn't quite working out for other reasons, I started dating again. Knowing that transition was likely on the table for me, I made sure to tell the person I became interested in I was TG/TS before the very first date. I tried to educate her, and she seemed to sort of fancy me a little bit because of it. (Perhaps more attracted to notion of me as feminine guy rather than an actual female... first potential warning sign i missed?)
That person eventually became my married spouse 2 years later. I tried to be pretty clear that transition was an option from the get-go, but I admittedly didn't do much towards transition. Went to a therapist, got approval for hormones, debated it, discussed it with her, decided to wait as having a family was more important to me. In the bedroom our activities were, without being TMI, very clearly not typical of a heterosexual couple, though maybe this just seemed Transvestic to her. She was obviously uncomfortable at times, but still supportive in the bedroom.
At home, I dressed as I chose without any concern, my female wardrobe slowly replacing the daily male (androgynous) clothes over the years. I occasionally went out dressed, but very rarely as the years spanned on. She went out with me a few times, even to support meetings and maybe I should have honed more in on the fact she was always very distressed after going out with me. She was even supportive to the level of trying to explain to my mother in private about how I saw myself as female, not a male. There were plenty of signs she was uncomfortable with SOME things, but every attempt I made to address the issue (suggesting counseling, for her, or both of us), was mostly rebuffed as "not necessary". She always indicated that she would stay with me no matter what.
To make things extra difficult, for the last 5 years I worked nights, 12am-8am. It definitely affected my personal life, intimate relations, and increased my depression. Partly because I wasn't doing much of anything with my life. We ran into fertility issues trying to have a child. First she, then unexpectedly *I* started having issues. Add into this I somehow ended up getting permanent vestibular damage in 2009 that gave me terrible vertigo and made my already depressed mood even worse.
I tried to be a good partner to her in spite of dealing with all these issues of my own, but I have my flaws like anyone, and I wasn't as attentive as I could have been. I stopped going out to do things with my friends or family and she would attend these things without me. I effectively stopped living life, I was just drifting and not realizing it. I tried to make HER happy but was effectively ignoring my own happiness and avoiding conflict by addressing any of our issues with her to keep her happy. I even pushed her to get out and make new friends because she didn't have a job and wasn't in nursing school because we took a year off to try and get pregnant.
Around September of 2009, I came out to a couple more of my close friends I had never told. My dysphoria was severely diminished by this, but my depression was not. Just after Christmas, where I was in a terrible mood and I wouldn't leave the house or do ANYTHING, and just as I was realizing how far I had sunk, she dropped the bomb that she felt transition was imminent with me, and that she had come to the realization she will never be comfortable with my gender issues, because of her social anxiety/anxiety disorders. That it has made things anxious/unpleasant for YEARS (but never really telling me about this, ever.) and she thought about leaving me years ago but didn't want to break my heart. That for some reason she claims she figured my female side would always remain a private thing, and not become public. She said she is always keenly aware of my dysphoria and cant stop thinking about it or worrying about me or wincing every time someone called me Sir or something similar(even though I presented as male) because she knew I didn't like it. However, a lot of the things she was worried about and assumed I resented her for were just plain out WRONG. Some of it had elements of truth to her concerns.
Since she broke this news to me, I've been trying to evaluate what I need to do to be happy, how far down the spectrum of transition I need to go live a fulfilling life, for myself, not her. With her or without her, I feel that I wont be truly happy in my life without a partner and child of my own. I don't necessarily think I need full transition to be a happy person. I don't hate being male, even though I've acted like it for many years, I realized simply hated myself. (That hate wouldn't have gone away if I simply tried to toggle my life with no other changes from M to F), however, there is a part of me that still wants full transition.
I've made changes to my life and started living a real life again, getting out, getting depression meds, losing weight, being less of a sloth, and generally trying to be a happier person. My friends and family, and even my wife all state I do seem to be doing a LOT better.
However, in spite of all of this, she remains firm in this notion that "She tried for years to make things work" (I have argued, how is that true when you've never shared these feelings with me and have never done ANYTHING different in her approach to the issues.), that she feels a lot less anxious having made the decision to leave me, and while she keeps on wanting to go to therapy to keep things civil (and I think she hopes we can remain friends). Until recently she has been adamant that she doesn't want to work on the relationship at all.
My sister(who until recently was her best friend) and the rest of my friends are surprised and baffled by her behavior. It seems like she's thrown up her hands and just wants to run away from the issues, rather than do anything to try and fix them, even though she has NEVER told me about them until recently. I've come out to pretty much everyone in my small family and group of friends at this point, and the results have been amazingly positive and supportive.
This whole thing infuriates me. I can sort of understand, even if it hurts deeply, that she doesn't feel she can be comfortable with me living full-time as female. (Not that she's ever even tried, she's only been dealing with super depressed closeted me for 5+ years). What I don't understand is her completely lack of willingness to try to work on the relationship in any way. To try something new with me, not go back to the messed up life we had before. She says she doesn't want to hurt me, but I think she's the one afraid of getting hurt. She's very emotionally guarded.
We're supposed to go to a couples therapist tonight (our last one sucked, neither of us liked her.) and start all over again. I love her, but she's hurting me very badly at this point. I've gotten really angry at the way she's been treating me lately by being incredibly inconsiderate of me and my feelings in a variety of ways. I don't know how much more I can take, and she doesn't seem to be giving me much hope. I'm ready to ask her to move out if she wants to leave me so badly. I'm fed up, and I've been too nice about everything.
Apologies for this massive yarn, but I need advice from any partners out there or anyone who has been through something even remotely similar. Am I just setting myself up for more heartbreak? Should I try to let go? I love her more than anything, my GID never made me suicidal, but this stuff has. I know the majority of marriages in our community don't survive transition, but I guess I had foolishly assumed that since I told her before the 1st date that I could buck the trend. A part of me feels lied to, and betrayed.
Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Christine
Hello all,
I'm in desperate need of some advice from partners out there as well as anyone else with thoughts on the matter. I'm a MTF transperson, and my partner/wife of over 8 years informed me a few months ago she wanted to leave me, and this whole thing has caught me off guard, as I wasn't really aware things had gotten that bad.
I've identified as trans since before I met my wife. After leaving one trans-supportive girlfriend of 3 years that wasn't quite working out for other reasons, I started dating again. Knowing that transition was likely on the table for me, I made sure to tell the person I became interested in I was TG/TS before the very first date. I tried to educate her, and she seemed to sort of fancy me a little bit because of it. (Perhaps more attracted to notion of me as feminine guy rather than an actual female... first potential warning sign i missed?)
That person eventually became my married spouse 2 years later. I tried to be pretty clear that transition was an option from the get-go, but I admittedly didn't do much towards transition. Went to a therapist, got approval for hormones, debated it, discussed it with her, decided to wait as having a family was more important to me. In the bedroom our activities were, without being TMI, very clearly not typical of a heterosexual couple, though maybe this just seemed Transvestic to her. She was obviously uncomfortable at times, but still supportive in the bedroom.
At home, I dressed as I chose without any concern, my female wardrobe slowly replacing the daily male (androgynous) clothes over the years. I occasionally went out dressed, but very rarely as the years spanned on. She went out with me a few times, even to support meetings and maybe I should have honed more in on the fact she was always very distressed after going out with me. She was even supportive to the level of trying to explain to my mother in private about how I saw myself as female, not a male. There were plenty of signs she was uncomfortable with SOME things, but every attempt I made to address the issue (suggesting counseling, for her, or both of us), was mostly rebuffed as "not necessary". She always indicated that she would stay with me no matter what.
To make things extra difficult, for the last 5 years I worked nights, 12am-8am. It definitely affected my personal life, intimate relations, and increased my depression. Partly because I wasn't doing much of anything with my life. We ran into fertility issues trying to have a child. First she, then unexpectedly *I* started having issues. Add into this I somehow ended up getting permanent vestibular damage in 2009 that gave me terrible vertigo and made my already depressed mood even worse.
I tried to be a good partner to her in spite of dealing with all these issues of my own, but I have my flaws like anyone, and I wasn't as attentive as I could have been. I stopped going out to do things with my friends or family and she would attend these things without me. I effectively stopped living life, I was just drifting and not realizing it. I tried to make HER happy but was effectively ignoring my own happiness and avoiding conflict by addressing any of our issues with her to keep her happy. I even pushed her to get out and make new friends because she didn't have a job and wasn't in nursing school because we took a year off to try and get pregnant.
Around September of 2009, I came out to a couple more of my close friends I had never told. My dysphoria was severely diminished by this, but my depression was not. Just after Christmas, where I was in a terrible mood and I wouldn't leave the house or do ANYTHING, and just as I was realizing how far I had sunk, she dropped the bomb that she felt transition was imminent with me, and that she had come to the realization she will never be comfortable with my gender issues, because of her social anxiety/anxiety disorders. That it has made things anxious/unpleasant for YEARS (but never really telling me about this, ever.) and she thought about leaving me years ago but didn't want to break my heart. That for some reason she claims she figured my female side would always remain a private thing, and not become public. She said she is always keenly aware of my dysphoria and cant stop thinking about it or worrying about me or wincing every time someone called me Sir or something similar(even though I presented as male) because she knew I didn't like it. However, a lot of the things she was worried about and assumed I resented her for were just plain out WRONG. Some of it had elements of truth to her concerns.
Since she broke this news to me, I've been trying to evaluate what I need to do to be happy, how far down the spectrum of transition I need to go live a fulfilling life, for myself, not her. With her or without her, I feel that I wont be truly happy in my life without a partner and child of my own. I don't necessarily think I need full transition to be a happy person. I don't hate being male, even though I've acted like it for many years, I realized simply hated myself. (That hate wouldn't have gone away if I simply tried to toggle my life with no other changes from M to F), however, there is a part of me that still wants full transition.
I've made changes to my life and started living a real life again, getting out, getting depression meds, losing weight, being less of a sloth, and generally trying to be a happier person. My friends and family, and even my wife all state I do seem to be doing a LOT better.
However, in spite of all of this, she remains firm in this notion that "She tried for years to make things work" (I have argued, how is that true when you've never shared these feelings with me and have never done ANYTHING different in her approach to the issues.), that she feels a lot less anxious having made the decision to leave me, and while she keeps on wanting to go to therapy to keep things civil (and I think she hopes we can remain friends). Until recently she has been adamant that she doesn't want to work on the relationship at all.
My sister(who until recently was her best friend) and the rest of my friends are surprised and baffled by her behavior. It seems like she's thrown up her hands and just wants to run away from the issues, rather than do anything to try and fix them, even though she has NEVER told me about them until recently. I've come out to pretty much everyone in my small family and group of friends at this point, and the results have been amazingly positive and supportive.
This whole thing infuriates me. I can sort of understand, even if it hurts deeply, that she doesn't feel she can be comfortable with me living full-time as female. (Not that she's ever even tried, she's only been dealing with super depressed closeted me for 5+ years). What I don't understand is her completely lack of willingness to try to work on the relationship in any way. To try something new with me, not go back to the messed up life we had before. She says she doesn't want to hurt me, but I think she's the one afraid of getting hurt. She's very emotionally guarded.
We're supposed to go to a couples therapist tonight (our last one sucked, neither of us liked her.) and start all over again. I love her, but she's hurting me very badly at this point. I've gotten really angry at the way she's been treating me lately by being incredibly inconsiderate of me and my feelings in a variety of ways. I don't know how much more I can take, and she doesn't seem to be giving me much hope. I'm ready to ask her to move out if she wants to leave me so badly. I'm fed up, and I've been too nice about everything.
Apologies for this massive yarn, but I need advice from any partners out there or anyone who has been through something even remotely similar. Am I just setting myself up for more heartbreak? Should I try to let go? I love her more than anything, my GID never made me suicidal, but this stuff has. I know the majority of marriages in our community don't survive transition, but I guess I had foolishly assumed that since I told her before the 1st date that I could buck the trend. A part of me feels lied to, and betrayed.
Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Christine
