To be who I am physically, or not..

[rainbow-roo.livejournal.com]

Well..I'd probably get along in life well enough staying as I am, male, physically. But, ..I dunno...the idea of possibly going through the big switch has its appeal. I just..well..I don't know how I could ever really explain something like that to my folks. I love both of them *dearly* with all my heart and would sacrifice anything to keep them from unhappiness. We are on good terms.. I still live with them - and well..it's very very possible that they would support me - as long as it made me happy..in fact.. I think they would (if not just given time to digest it all) - But I have a horrible fear that I will upset/depress them over it. I don't know if it's an illogical fear since I have a feeling they would want whatever makes me happy as long as I'm not hurting myself..but I don't know how they would deal with such a thing. The notion of being the femme me on the outside does have its appeal. I've wondered inside my mind what the scenario would be like if I went to them and explained it all..just laid all the cards on the table and see what happens. Doing something like that would take a tremendous leap of faith..and I'm just afraid I'd screw up the wonderful bond that we have. I could also wait until they pass on..but then they would never know the real me..at least..not in this life so to speak. That would probably weigh heavily on my conscience and I'd probably look back wishing I had told them and talked to them.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I mean..they already know I'm a furry..that I roleplay a kangaroo character online and that I like to be treated as a 'kangaroo furry' irl by my other 'fur' friends. Maybe I could elaborate on that and see how they take it..and if it's taken well, then eventually get into how I feel female inside.

I dunno.. I guess I could always just stay with things the way they are... *Holds her tail and hrms..*

All these questions ... When I don't even understand it, how should somebody else have to be able to

[http://users.livejournal.com/suzanne_/]

How the hell can you explain there's something wrong with you when you can't say what it is? I'm falling behind in school badly, and everybody thinks I'm just very lazy, while I just get very tired because of the whole depression thing. I mean, I want to work, but my mind always wanders off and I end up crying or sleeping. How do I tell them there's something wrong, without even saying what it is?

Also these cuts, everytime I cut, I cut deeper, longer and more. It's not good :\.

How the hell am I going to tell anybody something that I am deeply ashamed for, and I feel horrible about? How am I supposed to tell them while I haven't even come to peace with it myself? When I don't even understand why I feel this way?

...I'm at the end of my rope :(

- Suzanne