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Jun. 11th, 2004 01:46 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
lostiden.livejournal.comhi all. been kind of a lurker in these forms and some related to these, so im kind of new here. didn't really have any intent to sign up for lj in general. maybe ill make some good use out of this. im in a bit if dilemma and i was hoping that maybe a few of you could give me some advice, i have no where else to really turn to, and it's making me miserable.
i should introduce myself, seems kind of rude if i dont ^^; anyway..
im 19 and i live in new york, down in the southern area, about 45 minutes from the city in a small area called westchester. all my life i have dressed like a boy, except for the few times that i couldnt have helped it (ie, toddler stages), and i really do feel like that i have a male spirit and i was born in the wrong body. all during elementary school, all the girls use to play skip rope and go on the playground, and the boys always use to play dodgeball and kickball. i never played skip rope. i always played with the boys, and did their kind of things. be it outside playing kickball, being addicted to video games and mechanics along with technology.
since kindergarden and above, the way i dressed has always influenced my family and the way they had their views upon myself. they always use to ask me, "why don't you dress like a girl?" and say comments such as "you're not a boy, you shouldn't act that way", and when it came the time to go to parties, hours upon hours there would be a heated argument about what i was going to wear. the few times that i ever had to put on a dress or something that looked feminine, it was a true depression point for me. i felt odd and out of place, but most of all i felt like an embarassment to myself. i knew i wasn't female.
backwards caps and shorts that went past my knees, 15 years later, im still in the same box. the kids at school always use to make fun of me saying i was a "manly woman", but it didn't bother me - rather, it was a compliment to myself.
in middle school almost the same situation. all my friends were guys. when puberty hit in 6th grade, i think that was around the time i wanted to kill myself. the most dissapointing and unsatisfactory thing to know that i was going to bleed the rest of my life every month, and that i was going to start growing skin covered door knobs. through middle school i never wore anything under my shirt, hoping that they wouldnt grow or anything. naive, oh how naive i was. boy was i wrong.
( some problems that i don't have answers to... )
i should introduce myself, seems kind of rude if i dont ^^; anyway..
im 19 and i live in new york, down in the southern area, about 45 minutes from the city in a small area called westchester. all my life i have dressed like a boy, except for the few times that i couldnt have helped it (ie, toddler stages), and i really do feel like that i have a male spirit and i was born in the wrong body. all during elementary school, all the girls use to play skip rope and go on the playground, and the boys always use to play dodgeball and kickball. i never played skip rope. i always played with the boys, and did their kind of things. be it outside playing kickball, being addicted to video games and mechanics along with technology.
since kindergarden and above, the way i dressed has always influenced my family and the way they had their views upon myself. they always use to ask me, "why don't you dress like a girl?" and say comments such as "you're not a boy, you shouldn't act that way", and when it came the time to go to parties, hours upon hours there would be a heated argument about what i was going to wear. the few times that i ever had to put on a dress or something that looked feminine, it was a true depression point for me. i felt odd and out of place, but most of all i felt like an embarassment to myself. i knew i wasn't female.
backwards caps and shorts that went past my knees, 15 years later, im still in the same box. the kids at school always use to make fun of me saying i was a "manly woman", but it didn't bother me - rather, it was a compliment to myself.
in middle school almost the same situation. all my friends were guys. when puberty hit in 6th grade, i think that was around the time i wanted to kill myself. the most dissapointing and unsatisfactory thing to know that i was going to bleed the rest of my life every month, and that i was going to start growing skin covered door knobs. through middle school i never wore anything under my shirt, hoping that they wouldnt grow or anything. naive, oh how naive i was. boy was i wrong.
( some problems that i don't have answers to... )