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Jun. 11th, 2004 01:46 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
lostiden.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transhi all. been kind of a lurker in these forms and some related to these, so im kind of new here. didn't really have any intent to sign up for lj in general. maybe ill make some good use out of this. im in a bit if dilemma and i was hoping that maybe a few of you could give me some advice, i have no where else to really turn to, and it's making me miserable.
i should introduce myself, seems kind of rude if i dont ^^; anyway..
im 19 and i live in new york, down in the southern area, about 45 minutes from the city in a small area called westchester. all my life i have dressed like a boy, except for the few times that i couldnt have helped it (ie, toddler stages), and i really do feel like that i have a male spirit and i was born in the wrong body. all during elementary school, all the girls use to play skip rope and go on the playground, and the boys always use to play dodgeball and kickball. i never played skip rope. i always played with the boys, and did their kind of things. be it outside playing kickball, being addicted to video games and mechanics along with technology.
since kindergarden and above, the way i dressed has always influenced my family and the way they had their views upon myself. they always use to ask me, "why don't you dress like a girl?" and say comments such as "you're not a boy, you shouldn't act that way", and when it came the time to go to parties, hours upon hours there would be a heated argument about what i was going to wear. the few times that i ever had to put on a dress or something that looked feminine, it was a true depression point for me. i felt odd and out of place, but most of all i felt like an embarassment to myself. i knew i wasn't female.
backwards caps and shorts that went past my knees, 15 years later, im still in the same box. the kids at school always use to make fun of me saying i was a "manly woman", but it didn't bother me - rather, it was a compliment to myself.
in middle school almost the same situation. all my friends were guys. when puberty hit in 6th grade, i think that was around the time i wanted to kill myself. the most dissapointing and unsatisfactory thing to know that i was going to bleed the rest of my life every month, and that i was going to start growing skin covered door knobs. through middle school i never wore anything under my shirt, hoping that they wouldnt grow or anything. naive, oh how naive i was. boy was i wrong.
it didnt occour to me until a year or two ago about who i really was. but the problem of all my choices and decisions of what i really want, is family related. im screwed, and i know that if i do anything for myself for a change on my own will, ill probably end up losing everything i have.
my family is not very supprotive for me at all. the only thing that they're supportive on is with anything that has to do with education. that is it.
when i cut my hair that was down to the bottom of my ass into a boys haircut, with a buzzer, my mother was in tears, and my grandparents looked at me in awe like i was some kind of alien or someone they didn't reconize. my mother was bawling, and talking to herself all night. i could hear her crying in her bathroom to herself, asking herself "where did i go wrong? where did i go wrong? what have i done? is this what i get for trying?"
she has told me stories over and over again about how she was so happy when she was pregnant that she was having a girl as a baby with my father. but now a days its more like dissapointment that her daughter is more like a man, and not a woman.
my father passed away when i was in the 5th grade and left a huge trama in my life. because of incidents like that, i always judge my decisions on whether or not some of my decisions he would accept, or whether he would decline. he died of a brain tumor, downstairs. i remember that day like no tomorrow... and he will always be in my heart.
sometimes i think that because of my fathers death my mom has become a brick in the wall, but im not sure. my family is the same exact way as she is. a few years ago i went to a school in new york city, and constantly she would remind me to "watch out" for the gay and lesbian people. even then, we got into an argument about that, because these people are as human as the rest of us are, and have feelings as well. i do not understand why people have such obligations to the nicest people in the world.
my delimma, im petrified to say anything to my mother about being transgendered and wanting surgery on the top and about wanting to go to a therapist about going on t. im petrified that she will give me the utter look of disgust and confusion in her eyes, following with a "what?!?", then followed by men with white jackets after me. im petrified of bringing any of this up to anyone else besides the few that i have told so far, in the initiation of being disbanded by my entire family, and never being spoke to again. im petrified that my father would look down upon any decision that i do make, most of all.
i dont know what to do, and i need some advice. i can't talk to her, i can't really talk to anyone else about this. i have to only a few other people, and now all of you. the three people who i have, they support me no matter what i do, my cousin kristin, and my best friends sarah and laurence. why can't this world be like animals, and they will love you no matter what choices you decide to make?
i have no one to turn to, and i cant open my mouth. opening my mouth only leads to disaster, and i don't want to ruin the family even more then it's already ruined. however, i also don't want to be dissapointed about myself for more then i already have been my entire life. amazingly enough, i have not touched one drug nor cigarette.. my father should be proud of that, and im sure he is.
im petrified, because i have a reason to be. im petrified because i know what will happen.
i should introduce myself, seems kind of rude if i dont ^^; anyway..
im 19 and i live in new york, down in the southern area, about 45 minutes from the city in a small area called westchester. all my life i have dressed like a boy, except for the few times that i couldnt have helped it (ie, toddler stages), and i really do feel like that i have a male spirit and i was born in the wrong body. all during elementary school, all the girls use to play skip rope and go on the playground, and the boys always use to play dodgeball and kickball. i never played skip rope. i always played with the boys, and did their kind of things. be it outside playing kickball, being addicted to video games and mechanics along with technology.
since kindergarden and above, the way i dressed has always influenced my family and the way they had their views upon myself. they always use to ask me, "why don't you dress like a girl?" and say comments such as "you're not a boy, you shouldn't act that way", and when it came the time to go to parties, hours upon hours there would be a heated argument about what i was going to wear. the few times that i ever had to put on a dress or something that looked feminine, it was a true depression point for me. i felt odd and out of place, but most of all i felt like an embarassment to myself. i knew i wasn't female.
backwards caps and shorts that went past my knees, 15 years later, im still in the same box. the kids at school always use to make fun of me saying i was a "manly woman", but it didn't bother me - rather, it was a compliment to myself.
in middle school almost the same situation. all my friends were guys. when puberty hit in 6th grade, i think that was around the time i wanted to kill myself. the most dissapointing and unsatisfactory thing to know that i was going to bleed the rest of my life every month, and that i was going to start growing skin covered door knobs. through middle school i never wore anything under my shirt, hoping that they wouldnt grow or anything. naive, oh how naive i was. boy was i wrong.
it didnt occour to me until a year or two ago about who i really was. but the problem of all my choices and decisions of what i really want, is family related. im screwed, and i know that if i do anything for myself for a change on my own will, ill probably end up losing everything i have.
my family is not very supprotive for me at all. the only thing that they're supportive on is with anything that has to do with education. that is it.
when i cut my hair that was down to the bottom of my ass into a boys haircut, with a buzzer, my mother was in tears, and my grandparents looked at me in awe like i was some kind of alien or someone they didn't reconize. my mother was bawling, and talking to herself all night. i could hear her crying in her bathroom to herself, asking herself "where did i go wrong? where did i go wrong? what have i done? is this what i get for trying?"
she has told me stories over and over again about how she was so happy when she was pregnant that she was having a girl as a baby with my father. but now a days its more like dissapointment that her daughter is more like a man, and not a woman.
my father passed away when i was in the 5th grade and left a huge trama in my life. because of incidents like that, i always judge my decisions on whether or not some of my decisions he would accept, or whether he would decline. he died of a brain tumor, downstairs. i remember that day like no tomorrow... and he will always be in my heart.
sometimes i think that because of my fathers death my mom has become a brick in the wall, but im not sure. my family is the same exact way as she is. a few years ago i went to a school in new york city, and constantly she would remind me to "watch out" for the gay and lesbian people. even then, we got into an argument about that, because these people are as human as the rest of us are, and have feelings as well. i do not understand why people have such obligations to the nicest people in the world.
my delimma, im petrified to say anything to my mother about being transgendered and wanting surgery on the top and about wanting to go to a therapist about going on t. im petrified that she will give me the utter look of disgust and confusion in her eyes, following with a "what?!?", then followed by men with white jackets after me. im petrified of bringing any of this up to anyone else besides the few that i have told so far, in the initiation of being disbanded by my entire family, and never being spoke to again. im petrified that my father would look down upon any decision that i do make, most of all.
i dont know what to do, and i need some advice. i can't talk to her, i can't really talk to anyone else about this. i have to only a few other people, and now all of you. the three people who i have, they support me no matter what i do, my cousin kristin, and my best friends sarah and laurence. why can't this world be like animals, and they will love you no matter what choices you decide to make?
i have no one to turn to, and i cant open my mouth. opening my mouth only leads to disaster, and i don't want to ruin the family even more then it's already ruined. however, i also don't want to be dissapointed about myself for more then i already have been my entire life. amazingly enough, i have not touched one drug nor cigarette.. my father should be proud of that, and im sure he is.
im petrified, because i have a reason to be. im petrified because i know what will happen.