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"There you are."
Oct. 17th, 2004 02:19 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
tay-en-pointe.livejournal.comearlier this week, a friend was over. she left my apartment after coming in after dropping me off. i stood in the doorway, lazily leaning a hand above my head against the doorjam. and she smiled, and she said, "There you are."
it seems to happen more and more frequently these days.
later, chatting with her, i asked her what she meant. (i knew of course, i was just being self-indulgent.)
she says its me, girl me.. just outta nowhere. so i ask... "how does that happen. is it like a switch is thrown, or some bad editting in movie like when the actors get out of the water and are all dried off?"
she says, "no, its more like its just you. all the guards come down, and you sorta show up."
This led to further discussion. because though i'm a girl, i'm also a logician. hence i just cant let anything alone.
i look at that statement--"all the guards come down, and you sorta show up", and logic fails at first, then it seems to reassert itself. have i been guarded most of my adult life? yes. cleverly and completely hidden my true self, for reasons of self preservation, from the rest of the world?
absolutely.
five days a week, on average, i walk 9 blocks into the French Quarter. i'm conscious of my every move, my every step, my every muscle. my posture, the look on my face, hair usually not ponied, but rather flowing in the breeze of my steps, and sometimes hopefully forward blown, to hide my face. friday morning, i showered, and the mirror over the sink got really badly fogged, and instead of wiping it with a towel, i shaved my face looking into fog. i thought how cool it would be to paint such an image, the hazy outline of a face, a hand raised to it, a razor clasped, extended between fingers and chin.
of course, its a lot easier to shave these days, takes all of a minute and a half, and some spots that might have shown up previously no longer exist if i might miss them in haste.
about two hours into my day, though, i realized something. i knew what i thought i'd looked like, but i hadnt seen myself in a mirror or in any other imagic way in close to 24 hours.
isnt there a part of consideration in that alone that should tell me, "here you are"?
continuing to use this logic, when she says, "There you are," she is seeing the simple unguarded truth.
i said, "its the rest of it then, thats a facade, so to speak."
she said, "i dont think its a facade as much as it is protective coloration."
she said, You know... it is as if you grew up in a different country.
i said, you know.. i walk down the street.. a crowded street.. and all my muscles are tense.. everything's seemingly natural, but its like i do the same show every day.. so it seems natural, even when everything is telling me its not.
then i said, i think that we've hit the crux between transgender and transvestite
she said, excellent point. I hadn't thought about it, but it makes perfect sense.
i said, "the transvestite uses her appearance for show... the transgendered wraps herself in disappearance, first out of survival in the wrong gender, and then, upon transition..."
she said, Upon transition, she vanishes into the crowd.
i said, Ohhh.. me likes
she said, the whole process is about becoming visibly invisible in a lot of ways isn't it?
i said, i think.. in the end.. its about being truly visible.. but in an invisible way...
she said, exactly.
then she said, "this is gonna become a post, isnt it."
yep.
it seems to happen more and more frequently these days.
later, chatting with her, i asked her what she meant. (i knew of course, i was just being self-indulgent.)
she says its me, girl me.. just outta nowhere. so i ask... "how does that happen. is it like a switch is thrown, or some bad editting in movie like when the actors get out of the water and are all dried off?"
she says, "no, its more like its just you. all the guards come down, and you sorta show up."
This led to further discussion. because though i'm a girl, i'm also a logician. hence i just cant let anything alone.
i look at that statement--"all the guards come down, and you sorta show up", and logic fails at first, then it seems to reassert itself. have i been guarded most of my adult life? yes. cleverly and completely hidden my true self, for reasons of self preservation, from the rest of the world?
absolutely.
five days a week, on average, i walk 9 blocks into the French Quarter. i'm conscious of my every move, my every step, my every muscle. my posture, the look on my face, hair usually not ponied, but rather flowing in the breeze of my steps, and sometimes hopefully forward blown, to hide my face. friday morning, i showered, and the mirror over the sink got really badly fogged, and instead of wiping it with a towel, i shaved my face looking into fog. i thought how cool it would be to paint such an image, the hazy outline of a face, a hand raised to it, a razor clasped, extended between fingers and chin.
of course, its a lot easier to shave these days, takes all of a minute and a half, and some spots that might have shown up previously no longer exist if i might miss them in haste.
about two hours into my day, though, i realized something. i knew what i thought i'd looked like, but i hadnt seen myself in a mirror or in any other imagic way in close to 24 hours.
isnt there a part of consideration in that alone that should tell me, "here you are"?
continuing to use this logic, when she says, "There you are," she is seeing the simple unguarded truth.
i said, "its the rest of it then, thats a facade, so to speak."
she said, "i dont think its a facade as much as it is protective coloration."
she said, You know... it is as if you grew up in a different country.
i said, you know.. i walk down the street.. a crowded street.. and all my muscles are tense.. everything's seemingly natural, but its like i do the same show every day.. so it seems natural, even when everything is telling me its not.
then i said, i think that we've hit the crux between transgender and transvestite
she said, excellent point. I hadn't thought about it, but it makes perfect sense.
i said, "the transvestite uses her appearance for show... the transgendered wraps herself in disappearance, first out of survival in the wrong gender, and then, upon transition..."
she said, Upon transition, she vanishes into the crowd.
i said, Ohhh.. me likes
she said, the whole process is about becoming visibly invisible in a lot of ways isn't it?
i said, i think.. in the end.. its about being truly visible.. but in an invisible way...
she said, exactly.
then she said, "this is gonna become a post, isnt it."
yep.
