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Jan. 23rd, 2005 03:38 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
chaoticidentity.livejournal.comI'm not completely sure how ready I am to talk about this, I hope you all will understand the desire for anonymity as I write this.
I've joked for years that I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body. This last thursday I realized that it's probably true. I had been contemplating the possibility, not terribly seriously, for about a week leading up to that. But then it all became a bit of a reality when a close friend of mine, we'll call her 'Sara' for now, noticed that I was upset, and wouldn't leave me alone until i had spilled it all to her. It turns out she knew anyway. We talked about it for a long time that night, several hours at least, during which the vague theory that had been in the back of my mind became somewhat more concrete, something I couldn't easily dismiss anymore. We talked about it at length the following two nights as well, and during those days I've been on the verge of tears nearly constantly. It's becoming increasingly obvious, as much as Sara says she doesn't mind doing whatever she needs to do to help me through this (and she's lived up to it to a degree that leaves me in total awe) that my need is weighing on her to an extent that I simply can't allow. She suggested getting professional help, but I know their games too well and I've never trusted them, or been found any real help from them anyway. I can't tell most of my other friends about this, I don't feel comfortable enough to do that yet. And that's why I'm here, turning to you all for advice.
For most of my life (ok, so all of my life that I can actively remember) I've always felt that i have had more in common with girls than with boys, and that, in fact, I feel subtly uncomfortable around men all together, like there was something that separated me from them on some fundamental level. I've always been somewhat effeminate, probably even as a child, though I don't honestly remember anything in any detail before seventh grade. In recent years I've on some special occasions, played around with drag, and found it very easy and comfortable to create a persona to accompany the clothing.
I'm having trouble internalizing this all though, my mind cannot wrap itself around the concept enough to incorporate it into my identity, and worse, the rest of my identity has been crumbling rather painfully over the last few days. I'm still not sure what I am, and some part of me is convinced that there is some of both genders in me, though the female is dominant. Most of all, I feel like I need to know why I am the way I am, what it was that ended up making me different. Sara has at least gotten it ingrained in my head that its not wrong to be like this, but I know I won't feel right until I've come to terms with this. I know there are people here with much more experience than either she or myself dealing with this, any advice you could give would be appreciated more than I can express.
I've joked for years that I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body. This last thursday I realized that it's probably true. I had been contemplating the possibility, not terribly seriously, for about a week leading up to that. But then it all became a bit of a reality when a close friend of mine, we'll call her 'Sara' for now, noticed that I was upset, and wouldn't leave me alone until i had spilled it all to her. It turns out she knew anyway. We talked about it for a long time that night, several hours at least, during which the vague theory that had been in the back of my mind became somewhat more concrete, something I couldn't easily dismiss anymore. We talked about it at length the following two nights as well, and during those days I've been on the verge of tears nearly constantly. It's becoming increasingly obvious, as much as Sara says she doesn't mind doing whatever she needs to do to help me through this (and she's lived up to it to a degree that leaves me in total awe) that my need is weighing on her to an extent that I simply can't allow. She suggested getting professional help, but I know their games too well and I've never trusted them, or been found any real help from them anyway. I can't tell most of my other friends about this, I don't feel comfortable enough to do that yet. And that's why I'm here, turning to you all for advice.
For most of my life (ok, so all of my life that I can actively remember) I've always felt that i have had more in common with girls than with boys, and that, in fact, I feel subtly uncomfortable around men all together, like there was something that separated me from them on some fundamental level. I've always been somewhat effeminate, probably even as a child, though I don't honestly remember anything in any detail before seventh grade. In recent years I've on some special occasions, played around with drag, and found it very easy and comfortable to create a persona to accompany the clothing.
I'm having trouble internalizing this all though, my mind cannot wrap itself around the concept enough to incorporate it into my identity, and worse, the rest of my identity has been crumbling rather painfully over the last few days. I'm still not sure what I am, and some part of me is convinced that there is some of both genders in me, though the female is dominant. Most of all, I feel like I need to know why I am the way I am, what it was that ended up making me different. Sara has at least gotten it ingrained in my head that its not wrong to be like this, but I know I won't feel right until I've come to terms with this. I know there are people here with much more experience than either she or myself dealing with this, any advice you could give would be appreciated more than I can express.