trans | Mar. 12th, 2005

There is something that has been bothering me all this evening. It even at one point had me in tears, I was so upset. You see I have this mental picture stuck in my mind and I can't get rid of it. I see myself at the final stage of my transition, ready to take the final big step, and being all alone with nobody there to hold my hand. I see myself with nothing for company except the one thing that stuck with me through thick and thin from birth to now without ever questioning: my Teddy. I'm scared that no-one else will ever care. I don't want to be alone in life.

There are times that I know I wish things were moving faster than they are, when I lament the fact that the tablets seem to take their time. But it's like a conveyer belt that never stops and time flashes by taking me to the goal I have worked for for so long, but now seems so close. Maybe everything goes too fast? No - I think it is the unknown that I fear. But fear it I do.

On the one hand I know with the utmost certainty that this is what I want, but on the other hand I can't get over that mental picture I had of me with just Teddy to hold my hand. It makes me cry even now thinking about it.

Does anybody else get the same feeling?

*hugs*

-Jenny-

This is Teddy: he never questions or pokes fun. He never judges me, and is always there for me with a hug. From the day when I was born and he was laid beside me in the hospital through to now and beyond, he has and will stay with me unswerving through thick and thin.