(no subject)

[tsdrummergurl.livejournal.com]

So I took this test online called the COGIATI or COMBINED GENDER IDENTITY AND TRANSSEXUALITY INVENTORY and my score was 280. Is that good or bad? And while reading my results, my mom tried to point out certain parts that would try to make her seem that she is right, and that there is a way to "cure" me. When u take this test, the offer their "Suggestions for Actions". Take #2 for instance. It says: "2. Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a
woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers to observe
how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a
transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take severe or permanent actions without long thought and the
help of counselors and professionals". She keeps trying to tell me there are ways around this. and the only option in #2 she mentioned was taking more testosterone to see how i feel. I asked her" What about the other options?" "What other options? It says that you should try other things like taking more doses of testosterone and i think that will help you, she replied." I thought to myself, "Yeah, help me kill myself, because i'd be to depressed that i wouldn't be able to cope with my life anymore". Because if I would have said it out loud for her again, she would threaten to have me institutionalized, like she does everytime we always argue. And lately I've been beginning to think that it would be better than living with that bitch. The night before, we had an arguement and and she would get angrier and angrier everytime it was my turn to talk. And she had said some pretty hurtful things. I broke down and cried. One Of them went like this.....Mom: So you say that you need to be a girl? And that there is nothing wrong with your mind that is causing you to think this way? Me: Yes. This is who I am and the only thing wrong is my outside. Mom: Then answer this for me! What do you have between your legs? Me: A Penis. Mom: And why do you wear men's clothing? Me: Because that's all you buy me and that's all i've got to wear. Mom: BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN! Me: NO I'M NOT!!!! Mom: When you were conceived, you were born a boy. Me: I'm gonna say this, and I know you've said it many times, but mistakes happen, that I was born with a female mind and a male body, and if everyone were perfect, then we wouldn't learn from our mistakes and we probaply wouldn't survive as a species for very long. Even some of the greatest inventions ever made were actually mistakes. Mom: Oh, so this is my fault? I made a mistake? Me: No, I'm not saying it's your fault! And then she had to bring God into the situation, by saying that now i was blaming God for this mistake. Now let's get back to tonight. While i have been writing this entry, i have been tshowing her where she has totally proven herself wrong. I knew it wasn't gonna make the situation any better, but i suggested that she go back to school and brush up on her reading comprehension. And when i asked her to read my COGIATI score analysis, that she just skimmed through and read out loud the parts that made her seem like she is right about everything wrong with me. So i said lets just wait and see what the psychiatrist has to say, i mean, they are the PROFESSIONAL! And i emphasized the word professional when i said it. And then i said, "I mean she is the smart one that went to college", and usually when my mom gets angry, she thinks people are talking about her, but I wasn't. I'm not in college, I just go to a technical school and after attending for one year, i will recieve a technical degree that will allow me to earn maybe $3 above minimum wage. So then she gets really angry and slides everything off of the coffee table in a animalistic rage and then goes to try to punch me! Reminds me of a gorilla. Anywho, so i grab both of her hands as she tries to punch my with both, and then she starts to bend my fingers back, as if we were playing a game of mercy, and then I said, "And I thought you said that you supported me!! This isn't support, It's abuse!! Damn, I wish i was 17, 'cause then i could call the cops and have her put away. Well, thats all Metal Mistress Adi has for storytime tonite kiddies lol. Lates! I'm out......

Why must I do this???

[jennyemily.livejournal.com]

Another job interview for me on Friday, and as I run through all my stuff to take with me up to Durham tomorrow, I've suddenly been hit by a grim dawn of realisation that there is something that I am doing that is fundamentally wrong. You see; whilst I am 'out' as it were, even to the point where the people I work with have known for a good long while and accept it as normal, I am still applying for and going to job interviews as him. I feel compelled to ask myself the question why?

If I can do everything else as Jenny, why do I feel obliged to make one exception still? What am I frightened of? Well - I thought about it long and hard and I've come to the following conclusion - discrimination. It is a sad but true fact of life that there are a great many people out there in businesses, industry and even local government who are of the backward mindset that they believe it is perfectly acceptable to not give some-one a job because they are different from the society norm in some way. That is the fear.

Of course discrimination on grounds of gender, sexual orientation, race, and everything else down to being trans is completely ilegal in this country.

But since when did the law ever stop some-one from doing what they wanted. There are 101 reasons why they could not offer me this job if they knew I was trans. Too experienced, wrong experiences, a better candidate who had more apt qualifications came along - there are so many excuses that would get them off the hook. But every job that I applied for as Jenny, I did not even get a letter back saying "thanks but no thanks". They just ignored me. He, however has far more luck on *exactly* the same qualifications and work experience. Of course you are thinking, why is she giving them all the details? Well what am I supposed to do when the obvious sore thumb in my CV is that I went to an all-boys school. And not some unknown one; I went to the same school as the bloke who played Gandalf in LOTR, a couple of famous explorers, and several prominant actors from UK television amongst other people. So you can see it's going to be kind of hard to explain how there could be a girl who got her education at one of the top all-boys schools in the country. There are other anomolies that are easier to not have to explain by just using his name - that way I seem to stand a chance of getting to interview. And the big problem is that all of my ID is in his name.

But then I am in a position that they are expecting a man to turn up to interview. I have resolved that this is the last time that I am going to put myself through this; the last round of job applications that acknowledge his existance alone. I feel bad, like a phoney, a fake to have to dress as him for an interview to get a job to have to go through the heartache of picking the time to come out again to a new workplace crowd. The bottom line is that I see the potential for them to discriminate, and I need this job that will let me move somewhere to have my own space and to carve out my own life.

I hate doing this, but it appears to be the necessary evil for now. How things like to make it difficult for me again!

Bah!