coming together

[bluetattoo74.livejournal.com]

i went to camp trans. it was such an amazing experience. as apprehensive as i was about going and anxious about the whole thing, i am so glad that i went. i learned so much, met so many people, discovered so many things about myself, my identity, my ideas about relationships and bodies and love, that i feel like i learned more in the 6 days that i was there than i did during my entire 6 years in college. it was enlightening. there were so many different types of people and people identified in so many types of ways but at the same time, there was a singularity about it all, and i felt interconnected to everyone at the camp. we all were there to celebrate people, bodies, queers, women, men, and everyone in-between that stifling binary. i feel so refreshed.

on that note... i got a new position at the clinic. yeah!!! i can't wait to be doing something different than crunching numbers all the time. i also scheduled my surgery!!!!! october 23rd at 11am baby!! san francisco, here i come! i can't wait. my name change is official. it became official on monday, august 14th, 2006. i wrote my sister a letter, telling her of my decision to transition. i hope she takes it well. i emptied out my retirement account so i can use it to cut off my breasts. i don't care if i have to work until i have one foot in the grave. it will be so worth it.

yup, things are coming together.

and betsy and i are doing the best ever. she really loves me that girl.

(no subject)

[morbioid.livejournal.com]

Massive Depression/Dysphoria Increase

[cross-posted on the advice of someone who read it in another community; apologies if you’ve already read it elsewhere, or if I have taken your advice and improved by the time you read this]

I can’t even really talk about it, partly because I have to be careful how much I say publicly, and partly because I’m so depressed that I don’t even have the energy to articulate it without the hurt overwhelming me.

The bottom line, anyway, is that I see no possible way to ever live publicly as a woman or continue my transition ever again. If I do anything here in Richmond/GVRD (whether it’s just living as a woman part-time; or whether it’s quitting teaching, trying to get on disability until I can make money with my other talents, and living as a woman full-time), it will destroy everything my mom’s worked for her entire life. If I leave the city and move somewhere where people don’t know her, like Seattle or Toronto, I won’t have any support and I’m not strong enough to fight to survive alone. If I had started all this fifteen years ago and if I had been in shape back then, then at least if I fell through the cracks of society I could have become a prostitute, as so many other transsexuals have done in the past when they have no other means of support and there’s no other way that society will accept them. Now I’m old and fat and ugly and even that isn’t an option.

If I limit myself to very specific circumstances I can still live the occasional few hours as Felicity. There are two men who would like to come over to the apartment for a date the next time I’m in girl mode. I could also theoretically haul a bag with my girl clothes, wig, purse, and makeup downtown, get changed in a one-person washroom somewhere, and live as a woman for a few hours, then get changed back and come back to Richmond. But that’s a lot of effort for just a few hours as Felicity, during which I still won’t even really feel all that good anyway because I’m too old, fat, ugly, and unpassable.

There just isn’t any way out. I can’t go on living as a man, I can’t live as a woman here, I can’t survive on my own somewhere else. Between this and all the other ways I’m damaged and unfit to survive, I just don’t think I was meant to exist. When the time comes to kill myself (the other outcome besides prostitution that’s disproportionately high among transsexuals), I can’t even do it as a woman, and be buried dressed as Felicity and with Felicity on the grave, because then I would still out my mom and destroy her life.

Sacred sexuality for transfolk? meetings in MA

[lee93.livejournal.com]

Myself and the folks at Cauldron Farm are starting up a (mostly) weekly discussion group about Sacred sexuality for trans*spectrum, intersex, third-gendered and queer folks. ( more info... )

(xposted lots, sorry)

(no subject)

[pink-miniskirt.livejournal.com]

so okay, today i left early in the morning to take care of a couple things and then got back around 9am after both my parents had left for work(my dad gets off at 5:00 and my mother gets off at 6:00) and so i figured i'd have a day as a woman, just dress up and do what i'd be doing anyway, and i'd even put on makeup(i usually don't get a chance to do that) and so i dressed up and did some stuff and then around 11:30 i thought to myself 'hey, i should take some pictures, especially since i've got on makeup' so that's what i did, i took pictures(i will look through them soon and figure which ones i want to post with this) and i was really getting into it and having fun and i heard the sound of mmy dad's car outside and then a car door closing, and i freaked i took off what i'd been wearing and gathered all the clothes strewn about my room and threw them all in the closet and quickly pulled on my pajamas and tried to wipe off my makeup, then my dad opened my bedroom door to see me standing thre probably looking scared out of my mind(luckily you can't see into my closet from my door) and he asked what i was doing and i quickly said i was taking a nap because i didn't feel good so he walked away and i wiped most of the makeup off and then told him i was going to take a shower, i got in the shower, turned on the water and sat down, almost crying i was so scared, and i kept hearing odd noises and not knowing where they were coming from and i kept thinking that my dad had gone in my room and seen everything and was freaking out(it turns out he was watching a movie) while in the shower i pretty much broke down, i managed to come up with a believable excuse that fit what i'd said in desparation and even my attitude and it worked perfectly, i said that i hadn't felt good when i got home earlier, probably because i ate three bowls of cereal and then rode my bike so i took a nap and then i woke up suddenly and heard footsteps in the hallway and freaked out because of that and i was taking a shower so i could go out and get some coins that i was supposed to pick up today and i found the coin shop and i was going to go ou talone to get them and find someone i could talk to and maybe break down a little(or completely) but he wanted to take care of some errands so we both went so i've been pretending that i'm not a fucking mess since then, it hasn't been easy but i've gotten away with it, so yeah, a little bit ago i put all my clothes in their proper places and got that sorted out and now i'm spilling my guts and then i'm going to go make dinner, so yeah just so this isn't all bad here are some pictures to look at ( Read more... )