Ramble

[prototypical]

If this is completely OT, I apologize. I just need to ramble and I don't know where else to do it.

I know very well what I say I am (FTM). I know very well that I feel more comfortable in men's clothing, with my binder on, and having people call me "sir" until I open my mouth and my voice gives me away. But at the same time, I'm scared I'm just saying and wanting this because I hate myself. Kind of a "female" Jame Gumb in Silence of the Lambs. What if I just think I'm this way because I think a new name and body will make all of my issues go away? What if T doesn't make me more comfortable with myself if/when I start it? And what if changing my name doesn't feel right? I'm hesitant to even think about changing pronouns with my gender-neutral name right now because part of my brain insists that it's not right, despite what makes me happy.

I know I worry too much about everything. I know this has a tendency to fuck up my life. And I hate it. I want to be more sure with myself, but I can't because I doubt every single thing I decide to do. It sucks, quite badly.

hormones

[robyn-dunbar.livejournal.com]

Alright, let me be frank. I've been wondering about how to start testosterone. I have no idea. Do I go to my famly doctor and tell him I'm trans and go from there, or what? I've tried looking up info on the net, but I suck at finding things. Any information would be grand, thanks.

Edit: Oh, and is there any costs in Canada?

Man, I feel like a woman?

[cougirl.livejournal.com]

So I was talking to my friend about this as I've been thinking a bit about it, and I decided I needed more input. I brought up the fact that many transgendered people say that they feel like a boy or girl inside, depending, and therefore want to change their appearance/genitals/what have you. I understand that. However, my real question is, what does being a boy or girl feel like? Is it a "I like cars, sports, mud, and cologne, so I'm a boy?" or a "I feel I should have a penis" to be a man? I mean, if it's the stereotypical "manly" things that would make you a man, then there would never be any feminine transguys, which is untrue. If it's the desire of a certain set of parts downstairs, there wouldn't be transguys who are perfectly happy with what they were born with, but there are.

So really, what is it to be a man or a woman? Or maybe there really isn't an answer to this.

[x-posted to any_bodied_men, femme_ftm, and transgender]