Love is Understanding

[aubreycolors.livejournal.com]

I believe that everything in the entire universe is absolutely perfect at any given moment. This includes the dent in the back of my car, the money in my bank account, the state of the job market, the number of people in the coffee house down the street... everything is always exactly as it should be.

Whether I like it or not, there is nothing out of place. This includes all of the badness of the world and all of the goodness. The balance is always there.

I believe in God. I do not know what God is, where God is, when God is, why God is or even who God is. I was raised as a hard-core Catholic and though I do not subscribe to Catholicism anymore, I do find it comforting to believe that there's some all-natural force acting like superglue throughout the universe. Keeping it all together. I do not believe this God is a sentient being sitting on a big throne in the sky shaking his head at my masturbation. No, this God is as perfect as perfect can be. This God could be physics, but maybe it's not. This God could be anything whatsoever. I like to think that I know everything about God, yet I know nothing about God.

It was this God that created me, this world, that lamp, that car, that can of Diet Coke, that planet, happiness, sadness, love, hatred, pregnancy, murder, bliss, epiphany, joy, etc.

This God created me perfectly. I may not always say the right thing, I may not always cook the best spaghetti, I may not always eat healthy. But I was perfectly created with human faults. Faults that I have created in my own mind because, for example, what I believe may not be the best cooked spaghetti might be somebody else's favorite.

With this said, I was never born in the wrong body. I hear this said about transsexuals way too often. A man trapped in a woman's body?? No!! I was born in the right body. I was born at the right time. Everything was perfect when I was born.

Does this mean that I was supposed to suffer in my life during all those years of self-hatred before I accepted myself? No and yes. I would not be the person I am today if I hadn't suffered all those years. Every step I have taken in my life has led me to this VERY moment. It's my choice to carry that old badness with me or it's my choice to simply learn from it, drop it off, and continue on with new experiences.

My own self-hatred stemmed from the fact that I believed that I was at fault for being who I am. I believed I was simply Wrong. I couldn't accept that it was all a part of the much-larger paradigm.

There is the whole discussion on whether or not being gay is inherent from birth or whether or not it's a learned experience. Are you born gay or is it a choice? There's a similar discussion out there for transgendered persons like myself. But I believe they are all silly arguments. My belief is that it could be either/or. There are people that are born inherently gay... and there are other people that pick up same-sex attraction along the way.

So what's my answer on being a transsexual female? Did I come out of the womb with a female soul or did I somehow become trans* along the way? Either path is a distinct possibility, but at this point... I don't care. I'll never know the answer. I just know that I've been feeling like myself for as long as I can remember.

Who knows... maybe there was something that happened when I was two or three years old that triggered my mind and set me off. Maybe there wasn't. I still will never know. I don't care about a transgender gene. I don't really care about the Why's.

It *was not* my choice to be mentally and spiritually female... but it *was* my choice to stop hating myself and to physically transition from the miserable person that I was. It was my choice to rearrange my life in a way that would make me happier and much more comfortable (A much needed change from the life I was living).

I simply know that this is who I am here and now... and I would not know how to be anybody else.

Everything is always as it should be.
Everything is always in it's right place.
*Something* triggered me into the direction I am living; much like striking a golf ball on the moon ...and now I'm just going, going, going.

God's perfect universe exists with me in it -- perfectly.

...and I am happy to be me.
Very happy.

Finding a Therapist

[hypnoticmalaise.livejournal.com]

Crossposted from genderqueer.

I have been thinking a lot lately about seeking therapy, both for gender issues and a bunch of unrelated stuff. But I need some advice on how to find a therapist that will fit what I need.

( Read more... )

Bringing up mental illness to others

[dear-kallisti.livejournal.com]

This is only partially related to anything transgender, but it is still slightly related and can't post it anywhere else, so please don't flame me.


Quick background: FtM in my mid-to-late teens, had three therapists in my lifetime and been in therapy for the past four years, one institutionalization for attempted suicide at age twelve and have essentially been in emotional turmoil since that age. I've now been out and transitioning for the past three years, as well as on testosterone for going on a year-and-a-half; happy as a male, absolutely solid with my identity as a transsexual male, excessively pleased with my current life situation and surroundings.

The issue is this: happy though I am with my life, I am still stuck in emotional turmoil and, after a lot of research, am more than fairly certain that what I'm dealing with is Borderline Personality Disorder [BPD]. It isn't enough to just say it; I have a great group of friends and a wonderful partner, and when I am going through periods of what I call 'emotional insanity' I tend to take things out on them. It's making me miserable. I am desperate for help; my inability to control my emotions is slowly dragging me down.

The problem is this: I am aware of the fact that a part of BPD is an instability in identity. I have struggled with that issue for a long time; I have continuously changed beliefs, values, religions, sexual orientation, etc. One issue that I have never wavered in is my gender identity, I am transsexual and I'm sticking to that-- it is entirely unrelated to my possible BPD. However, my fear is that if I bring this up to my therapist, or my family, or anyone who I discuss this with, they will automatically assume that this invalidates my gender identity. I also haven't been entirely open about my problems with my therapist who I have been seeing for seven months now; if I spring this on her now I'm afraid she'll think its a trap and won't offer me any help, in fact there is a possibility that she would refuse to even consider diagnosing me because of my age. I feel like people already see my transsexual status as an 'issue' and if I bring any other issues to the table I'll be marked crazy and a lost-cause. How can I tackfully approach this issue with my therapist? And others?

Thanks much,
-Lucas