How confident can I be?
Aug. 15th, 2005 04:47 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
glazedmcguffin.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transThere are times when I'm 100% certain, ready to go, can't wait. Times when it's blindingly obvious; when it makes the most sense in the world, and I'll regret it if I let one more second of my life wasted pretending to be something I'm not. I've been so sure that I should be living like any other girl would -- certainly for the last 3 months.
Then there are times when it doesn't make sense, when I feel fine where I am. I just don't think about my body not being the way that feels right, because, "that's just the way my body's always been". Maybe I'm going too far when I'd be happy as a more gender-ambivalent male. I want to be feminine, but maybe I just want to be, not that I am. My feelings about my gender seem to have more in common with the seasons than a set core of my identity.
One thing I do know is that when I think "maybe I just want to be a trans-girl", I dislike things about myself, and I feel so discouraged. When I'm so certain of my trans-girl status, I feel hopeful and encouraged. I can't pretend that I don't have doubts, but it sometimes feels so based on mood that I'm disoriented. While I know intellectually that I don't have to "choose a gender", sometimes I can't help but feel that I must - and be absolutely certain of my choice.
No one talks about this, because if you're not 100% certain, someone's going to try and pick away at you until you're "cured". Someone's going to say you're not really trans, that you're just confused. I'm tired of not talking about it, and I'm tired of never reading about it. Am I only confused, working on gender issues - not trans unless I'm confident all the time?
also: Hello.
Then there are times when it doesn't make sense, when I feel fine where I am. I just don't think about my body not being the way that feels right, because, "that's just the way my body's always been". Maybe I'm going too far when I'd be happy as a more gender-ambivalent male. I want to be feminine, but maybe I just want to be, not that I am. My feelings about my gender seem to have more in common with the seasons than a set core of my identity.
One thing I do know is that when I think "maybe I just want to be a trans-girl", I dislike things about myself, and I feel so discouraged. When I'm so certain of my trans-girl status, I feel hopeful and encouraged. I can't pretend that I don't have doubts, but it sometimes feels so based on mood that I'm disoriented. While I know intellectually that I don't have to "choose a gender", sometimes I can't help but feel that I must - and be absolutely certain of my choice.
No one talks about this, because if you're not 100% certain, someone's going to try and pick away at you until you're "cured". Someone's going to say you're not really trans, that you're just confused. I'm tired of not talking about it, and I'm tired of never reading about it. Am I only confused, working on gender issues - not trans unless I'm confident all the time?
also: Hello.