Very confused...
Jul. 20th, 2006 09:42 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sharktooth99.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transKay, I'm just gonna let everything fly and see what happens:
So I've been questioning my gender for several years now, but just recently I've begun to really confront it seriously, rather than pushing that kind of thought away. I have a very female body: big breasts, big hips, very 'pretty-girl' feminine face, but I'm also sturdily-built and muscular for a girl. I haven't been comfortable with being female for a long time, and have often wished I were male, but I'm not sure how far that desire actually carries.
I've shaved my head and stopped shaving my legs and armpits. I wear tight bras, and want to have breast-reduction, but I'm not sure how small I want to go. Now and then, someone who only catches a glimpse of me mistakes me for a guy, and that always makes me feel great. I visualize myself without breasts and it looks really good, but I don't know how to figure out how far I want to go with this anti-feminization thing, or how to go about it even if I wanted to change anything.
Another problem is, I'm really attracted to men, both straight and gay. I once fell in love with a woman, but I think that was an anomaly; I don't really find women physically attractive (or am I just repressing it?). I'm very attracted to men, but the idea of having sex in my female body really disgusts me, whereas the idea of having sex with a male as a male myself is extremely appealing.
But straight men aren't attracted to me, probably because my personality and mannerisms are often too masculine.
Also, I want to have children someday, but I'm not sure if I want to be a mother or a father. I guess as science stands, I only have one option, huh ...
I'm really confused about how far my masculine leanings go, about this twisted-around sexuality, and, well, everything. I've talked to a couple people about it, and they're really confused, too. It seems like you either have to be straight or gay, or transexual, but I don't fit in anywhere! Does this happen to other people? Any tips on figuring this kind of thing out? Books to read, people to talk to, things to consider, etc?
So I've been questioning my gender for several years now, but just recently I've begun to really confront it seriously, rather than pushing that kind of thought away. I have a very female body: big breasts, big hips, very 'pretty-girl' feminine face, but I'm also sturdily-built and muscular for a girl. I haven't been comfortable with being female for a long time, and have often wished I were male, but I'm not sure how far that desire actually carries.
I've shaved my head and stopped shaving my legs and armpits. I wear tight bras, and want to have breast-reduction, but I'm not sure how small I want to go. Now and then, someone who only catches a glimpse of me mistakes me for a guy, and that always makes me feel great. I visualize myself without breasts and it looks really good, but I don't know how to figure out how far I want to go with this anti-feminization thing, or how to go about it even if I wanted to change anything.
Another problem is, I'm really attracted to men, both straight and gay. I once fell in love with a woman, but I think that was an anomaly; I don't really find women physically attractive (or am I just repressing it?). I'm very attracted to men, but the idea of having sex in my female body really disgusts me, whereas the idea of having sex with a male as a male myself is extremely appealing.
But straight men aren't attracted to me, probably because my personality and mannerisms are often too masculine.
Also, I want to have children someday, but I'm not sure if I want to be a mother or a father. I guess as science stands, I only have one option, huh ...
I'm really confused about how far my masculine leanings go, about this twisted-around sexuality, and, well, everything. I've talked to a couple people about it, and they're really confused, too. It seems like you either have to be straight or gay, or transexual, but I don't fit in anywhere! Does this happen to other people? Any tips on figuring this kind of thing out? Books to read, people to talk to, things to consider, etc?