Bloggability

[stacis-leak.livejournal.com]

I should not be allowed to think.

There should be some kind of law passed to stop me or a neural inhibitor tagged onto my temples to suppress this kind of thing.

Currently it's like my mind has a filter which loops back things I've already thought or heard or seen but with all the goodness and innocence strained out, like a purifying filter that collects up all the dark scummy foam from the top of my brain and concentrates it.

I mention this because regularly I will blog things as an alternative to thinking about them. If I smear my dark depressing thoughts online for everyone to see like a psychological dirty protest, the feedback tends to clear them up somewhat, and leave me feeling cleaned of anything depressing lurking in my head.


But sometimes something will come along which is completely unbloggable. The main cause for things being unbloggable is when I weight up the relief I'll feel from getting the issues of my chest against the possible damage to other people involved. That's why usually you'll never see me argue with or complain about regular readers of this blog.

Bu this one is complicated.

Really complicated.

And it's been in my head for over a week now and It's been getting worse and worse and this weekend other stuff compounded it and I am really scared that if I wait too long I'll no longer be able to explain it properly and piss off the people involved way more than if I let it out now.

I want to start out by saying that this isn't Cathy's fault, and I don't blame her at all for having started this thought process. I already pointed out her error and she apologised profusely. Cathy's one of my best supporters in my transition and probably one of the most active in that she offers constructive criticisms and was a real driving force in helping me actually go out in public the first few times.

But now all my good thoughts about her have been tarnished, through no fault of her own, due to a single unintentional linguistic slip up on her part which has stuck like a splinter in my head.

It all started when we were talking about style and makeup and she said I shouldn't base my look too much on her or Becca.

I told her that she and Becca both look fantastic and her reply was "Well yeah, but we can get away with it because we're women".

You can probably see already how that irked me. I didn't want to say anything because I knew she can't possibly have meant it how it sounded but after an hour biting my tongue with a lump firmly in my throat I repeated it back to her and said she'd better not let anything like that slip if I invited her to a party with any of my transfriends.

She apologised profusely and verified as I thought that all she meant was what I already knew, if I dress masculine I look masculine because it's just what shape I am, whereas Becca and Cathy have great curves to show off pretty much any clothes.

So it should have been okay. But somehow it wasn't, and on the bus home from work last monday it bounced around in my head like an angry bumblebee, knowing that at least on some subliminal level there was that degree of separation. I've always felt it, the way how when Becca and Cathy and Josie are fooling around groping each other, I can't join in because my origins would make any involvement of mine seem sexually motivated. I still find myself playing the boyfriend role to Becca even when I'm not in guymode.

I'll never feel like a guy and when these situations arise I dont feel like a woman either and I just feel like nothing.

To try and cheer myself up I reminded myself how good afriend Cathy was and also how I couldn't expect her to change the most deeply buried parts of her psyche for me, the fact that she's buried it should be enough, and that's presuming it was even a slip into subconscious thought at all, and not just a fuckup in the tongue department.

I can't visualise Cathy having any prejudices whatsoever, or any of my supporters really, it just wouldn't fit. Having decided that I buried this and assumed I wouldn't worry about it again. But for reasons you'l llater learn I'd like you all to keep this in your memory as point one.

Point two was after I stopped thinking about that and started TRYING to think positive. Cathy is supportive, she's just offering advice: that no matter how good I look there'll always be the slim chance that I'll get read so I should avoid doing anything outlandish to draw attention to myself. Whereas she has to fear of being read and as such can stick out as much as she wants.

Which should have been a straight forward matter of fact thought... Except... Well if I was in the habit of not doing outlandish things I wouldn't be here. I like to think I'm a rather unique person and for me transition is the first step in really being able to express myself the way I'd like to. If I go by what cathy said, it'll be the last step too because I have to mould myself into the most avergae woman around so as to not stand out too much. But what about all my stuff? I want to be an artist and write a book and make a podcast which gets a million hits and go to burning man one day and make my own clothes and have a groovy hairstyle and if I go by this theory I can't do any of that because I have to stay in the "finishing shcool for girls" mindset to not end up getting read and beaten to a pulp.

This still concerned me all week but with the usual shutting things out mechanism in my head I was able to pretty much ignore it for the majority of the week because when I'm in boymode all I can think about is how much better it'd be if I wasn't and the troubles seem to fade away.

When I went to see Cathy this weekend just gone I didn't even take any girl clothes. Incase you don't keep up, when I go to visit people I can't leave the house in my girl clothes because of the gestapo back home, so I usually take a bag of clothes and changer on the way or when I arrive.

I didn't even bring any clothes this time. I made up a lame excuse but when it got down to it my brain was stuck in the gear that said it didn't matter. As far as I knew we weren't meeting anyone new and I don't pass to anyone so all the people who accept me as a girl do so knowing that my body isn't really that shape anyway so why should I go through the effort for Cathy, whom at that point in my mind was still on record as basically saying that I don't look good enough to pull of the style she does and the night before she'd been off on one about how ugly she felt (which places me where exactly on the scale?).

She asked why I didn't have my breasts on and I nearly just blurted out and said "Because 'I'm not a woman' remember?" but I was able to fight it back into my head. Which is where it stayed.

The main issue was that I was hoping to use this weekend to iron out point one, about feeling excluded and it probably would have worked if not for Jen.

Incidentally this isn't Jens fault either. Jen's a lovely beautiful person who rehabilitated a stray cat, looked after a girlfriend with a serious disability and has the voice of an angel. How could anything be her fault?

The problem is that as wide ranging as my social circles go, very few of the women I regularly talk to actually have periods. Cathy has this little contraceptive implant which stops them and Becca has some kind of ovary issue and either way it normally never comes up.

Until Jen (who has no reason to assume I'm not just a guy called Stacy, after all I didn't even have my breasts on) mentioned the arguments she has living with her GF.

I point out that Becca and I hardly ever argue and get informed that it's "different for two women".

Then of course it goes overto cycle-talk and I'm basically out of the conversation. Singing comes up and while Jen wins karaoke contests all the time Becca and Cathy are there hitting all the notes along with her and I didn't even want to open my mouth.

I just felt sick, there was no other word for it, I felt physically ill and under all that I hated myself for feeling that way because I knew none of it was intentional, and I knew I'd really fuck things up for Cathy and her new friend Jen if I said anything.

Then the conversation turned to cannabis, which incidentally is another thing those three have all tried and I haven't. It wasn't even a girly topic and I felt left out.

I just felt dirty and ill by the end of it all and even now at work with nothing to occupy my thoughts it'd troubling me how I feel like no matter how much I'm told that I'm accepted I might never believe it because as nice as people try to be my brain can just enchance the tiniest little unpleasant detail to make me feel like people who love me actually hate me and resent the amount of pity they have to show to make me think otherwise.

And for the first time ever I really have thought myself into a corner because at the very root of this I know it's nobody's fault but my own. I feel like my friends don't like me and I'm ignoring it when they say they do.

The most worrying thing extrapolated from all this is that if I feel like an outsider I'm 99% sure that it's not because I'm being made to feel like an outsider, I just cast myself in the outsider role, feeling like I don't belong, no matter how much I want to. I feel tarnished by my own biology, a dirty spot that won't wash away, paranoid and ignorant to the fact that most other people probably can't see it.

I feel like I should be proactive and try to explain it to Cathy how I feel like an outsider so she can reassure me, because if I don't tell anyone, no one's going to know I feel like this and so they'll have no reason to reassure me. But at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be forcing my psychological well being onto everyone else. Part of the mindset my family drummed into me is that you just have to deal with life, no complaining, get on with things.

But I just really really really need to talk to someone, and I have no idea who.

So that's what's currently inside my head. I feel ugly, alone, and I'm hiding behind layers and layers of false faces and platitudes. Having read what I've written does anyone think it's worth me bringing this up with Cathy, even though it's not even her fault, or possibly have a word with Jen about feeling like an outsider when she turned up, even though it's not her fault either, or just moan at Becca some more like I did the other night, even though it's nothing to do with her at all.

Or should I just keep pretending nothing's going on and try to think my way out of it all, as it gets more and more unbloggable?