(no subject)

[nekoko.livejournal.com]

I'll bet y'all were just dying to read another life story, huh? You've probably heard a hundred thousand variations on this theme, but --


This whole mess, as I've started to call it, started off around last year. I didn't feel happy at all with myself, and while this wasn't anything new (hell, teenagers are like that all the time), it felt worse than it had before. I felt trapped by my body more than ever, and everything seemed to revolve around it -- you know, in that bad way, where biology is like a cage almost. It went on pretty steadily over the summer -- no big jumps, up or down -- and really kicked up when school started. Watching people walking down the hallways was killing me, it felt like. Thinking back, this sounds like pretty typical high school student stuff, though. Everyone seemed better off than me and less trapped and more beautiful -- all that jazz, you know. The important thing, I think, is that I discovered that pretending to be a boy made me feel a heck of a lot better. Mostly I did it just in my head to make my day go a little bit better, but it got more serious and more important to me as time went on.


So I talked about it with my girlfriend (a real sweetheart that accepted me and told me she'd stick with me, which she has, and I gush about her every chance I get, it's really disgusting -- we'd been going out for about two and a half years by then) and the farther I got, the more I saw that being a boy was just something that made me much happier. I felt like I could be myself much more easily. My self-confidence sky-rocketed, and that's a big deal for me. I hadn't felt so good in what felt like my entire life. It was like finding myself, I guess.


So I got my hair cut short in December (from down to the middle of my back, which seems insane now) and started wearing boy clothes. I really don't think I've ever been happier with myself. Every day I feel better and better about myself.


Next week I've decided to come out to my parents. I figure they'll have had some idea about what I'm going to say -- I mean, they must have noticed something. I'm nervous, but they mean so much to me, and I feel like I'm lying to them by not saying something. I feel like they'll be alright with it, though. I know they care about me and want me to be happy. (Mostly I feel bad for my mom. If they count me with my little brother and my dad, she'll be the only chick left in the house!)


And there's another story to add to your list of "Introductions From FTM Boys". (And, uh. About the username: I've had this account for years and years, and I think it'd be kind of silly to change it now just because it sounds girly.)





Well, now that that's out of the way, I have a couple of questions. I'm curious about some things.


If you picked a new name, how did you decide? I picked out Allen (from Kora, "back then", Greek for maiden or girl, which is possibly the most ironic thing I've ever heard in my life) because it sounds normal -- I guess I'm shooting for being a normal boy about something. I like the letters in it, and I like the way it sounds. Basically, I just think it's a nice name.


What do you call yourself? I opt for boything (because I like the way that sounds, and it's also what I call "this whole mess" when I'm talking to my friends or my girlfriend: the boy thing) or trannyfag (because being able to smile at things makes me feel better, plus it pretty much sums me up -- except for my girlfriend, but she's the only exception, and we all know sexuality can be a tricky thing anyway). I'm curious what people use for themselves.


And here's one I'll bet a billion people have asked: Are restrooms really that different? I'm tempted to assume that it depends on where you're at, but...! I always think about asking biological guys, but the answer might be skewed by the fact that they have (probably) never been in a girls' restroom. So I figure that anybody that's seen both sides will have a better idea.


In any case: this community seems friendly and, at the very least, interesting. I'm glad there are people I can relate to -- it makes me feel a lot less alone for all of this.